don't know what to say
Feel nauseous. Backlash upon backlash upon backlash.
I've finished the little felt tip pen sun sketch. Even though it's only a sketch, it's the first thing I've started and finished in years.
Another afternoon, relaxation occurred again in my chest, this time for several hours, which is unheard of.
It is like a release valve, because the amount of stress, fear, panic and adrenalin that came out was sickening, I'm still reeling from it.
Of course it has its sources on the outside, like my sister being in so much pain and going to the doctor again, which is always terrifying after you've had cancer, or so I imagine. I imagine a lot: the worst, naturally, because that's what life has always thrown us, so why stop now? Waiting for her to text me. I am so not beyond the big sister worrying myself sick part. Which isn't helpful to her in any way.
This coincided with discovering that the back-door neighbour not only comes into my backyard at night to place silly things like rocks or bricks, or other signs he's been there, but also stands at the front of the house at 3 am, looking at my bedroom window.
Two days ago I woke up as I had the night before because of I don't know what, but I actually heard his cell phone ring and him picking up saying "hello" like it was the most natural thing in the world to be standing outside someone's house at 3 am.
He has been coming into the yard for years and yes, I did find little signs he'd come by the front of the house as well, but I didn't realise he's standing outside looking at where I'm sleeping, although that might explain why I wake up all the time. Anyway. It made me sick so much that I dreaded going to bed at night, so I made a bed for myself in the other, still disorganised room. That way I don't know where he's standing, even though he goes to the back and front. So I'm not sleeping in my lovely little bedroom.
Tried to visit the neighbourhood cop but he wasn't at the weekly walk-in hour, so I'll just wait it out. The police didn't help things with the other psychopath neighbour at all, their 'help' only escalated the situation, so I'm in no hurry to involve them again.
The adrenalin was bad. I lay awake until 5 am, completely high-strung, sick with stress and a lead ball in my gut.
I still attract psychopaths. I won't ask why because I know why and am working on it.
I want this heaviness to lift off my shoulders, off my life. I want light, lightness, good stuff, nice things to happen, I know this shit by now, I know the shit part of life, I get it. Let it be good now, let it be light and fun and awesome, as it can be.
I watch Tree-house Masters, I know what an inspired life looks like and I want it (and a tree-house).
It's human to keep thinking good things are just around the corner, but that's apparently where they live, they stay there, around the corner, not ever getting closer. I am just like everyone else in that respect. It's how I keep going. Would anyone keep going without hope of things eventually getting better?
I've finished the little felt tip pen sun sketch. Even though it's only a sketch, it's the first thing I've started and finished in years.
Another afternoon, relaxation occurred again in my chest, this time for several hours, which is unheard of.
It is like a release valve, because the amount of stress, fear, panic and adrenalin that came out was sickening, I'm still reeling from it.
Of course it has its sources on the outside, like my sister being in so much pain and going to the doctor again, which is always terrifying after you've had cancer, or so I imagine. I imagine a lot: the worst, naturally, because that's what life has always thrown us, so why stop now? Waiting for her to text me. I am so not beyond the big sister worrying myself sick part. Which isn't helpful to her in any way.
This coincided with discovering that the back-door neighbour not only comes into my backyard at night to place silly things like rocks or bricks, or other signs he's been there, but also stands at the front of the house at 3 am, looking at my bedroom window.
Two days ago I woke up as I had the night before because of I don't know what, but I actually heard his cell phone ring and him picking up saying "hello" like it was the most natural thing in the world to be standing outside someone's house at 3 am.
He has been coming into the yard for years and yes, I did find little signs he'd come by the front of the house as well, but I didn't realise he's standing outside looking at where I'm sleeping, although that might explain why I wake up all the time. Anyway. It made me sick so much that I dreaded going to bed at night, so I made a bed for myself in the other, still disorganised room. That way I don't know where he's standing, even though he goes to the back and front. So I'm not sleeping in my lovely little bedroom.
Tried to visit the neighbourhood cop but he wasn't at the weekly walk-in hour, so I'll just wait it out. The police didn't help things with the other psychopath neighbour at all, their 'help' only escalated the situation, so I'm in no hurry to involve them again.
The adrenalin was bad. I lay awake until 5 am, completely high-strung, sick with stress and a lead ball in my gut.
I still attract psychopaths. I won't ask why because I know why and am working on it.
I want this heaviness to lift off my shoulders, off my life. I want light, lightness, good stuff, nice things to happen, I know this shit by now, I know the shit part of life, I get it. Let it be good now, let it be light and fun and awesome, as it can be.
I watch Tree-house Masters, I know what an inspired life looks like and I want it (and a tree-house).
It's human to keep thinking good things are just around the corner, but that's apparently where they live, they stay there, around the corner, not ever getting closer. I am just like everyone else in that respect. It's how I keep going. Would anyone keep going without hope of things eventually getting better?
posted by M. at 1:39 PM
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