A week in the life of
Sunday 22/3/15
Frustrated with... the process? Even though I saw this coming, this period of massive clean-up, I am still frustrated. Partly because of the hypochondriac thing. What's wrong? Should I go to the doctor? Still listening to the voice within and it says NO every time. Still..
No happy moments anymore, no elation, no joy. Just the lowest points getting lighter, less heavy.
But continuously, this process, hardly ever on social media. Just to show I'm still alive.
-
Monday 23/3/15
Finally walked again. It's been weeks(?) ((lost track of time a bit)). Woke up with even more tension in my gut than usual, so that was a a sign I'd be going for a walk. Less limping so that's nice. Spontaneous rash/eczema thing on my left wrist, all kinds of stuff, pains, weirdness going on in my body.
Going for the juice-thing again, the big one. Coinciding with all this mental crap coming to the surface, old stuff (even some helpful past lives' images) in body and mind, and with me seeing my reflection in the living room window.
I can tell myself to 'be the whale' but this isn't me, it doesn't suit me. (It does, however, fatsuit me.)
Hopefully at some point I'll be done with making myself fat. First the juice thing, I'm planning that, then for two or three weeks after that I'll be eating small meals and after that I'll let it go and see what happens, cos I'm no good at getting forced to do something. Thinness has to come from inside, by itself. But for now this seems the right thing to do. Cleanse body and mind.
It's hard to be sincere while writing, but it's hardest when I'm putting food in my mouth. There's a voluntary blindness, I can almost feel myself pushing away questions and observations with an alarming ease I could use in other areas of my life.
Read "Play". Will definitely be reading it again soon.
-
Tuesday 24/3/15
Interesting rash spread to both wrists, red crocodile skin. My body's immune system seems a bit down; been having a cold for three weeks (although in almost everybody else it's been a heavy case of six days paralized-in-bed-flu so I'm still spoiled).
Lots of tension in belly.
Annoyed, close to anger.
Want to rise above all this crap, am I not done yet with this smallish life? What is still holding me back? Stirrings of anger again.
I saw this coming, I did.
I told myself "better to have it all at once, one period of dug-up mess and muck and all things old and over." Yes, but.. Yes Osho. There is no 'yes, but'. There is only a real yes. Or a no.
WHY IS THERE NO???
Anger. Better than frustration, I guess.
Also, need to know why I eat/stuff myself.
-
Wednesday 25/3/15
Poor wet kitty shaped shadow behind the living room curtain. When I pulled it up she breathed a little blue cloud on the window and it slowly evaporated. Poor thing was waiting there in the rain.
So. I want to understand why food/eating has been such an issue, in a continuous cycle from hardly eating at all to overeating and stuffing myself like a Christmas turkey.
I want to understand. If I say it enough times, maybe some clarity will arise in a dream or idea. And now I do want to know. While eating there is no thinking, but a clear shoving aside of any food-related questions. Stronger pushing away than in other areas. Can only examine this while not eating. So maybe I can find some explanation, a cause, in the next few weeks. If I don't really know where this is coming from, it won't stop being an issue.
Well, I could always completely and wholeheartedly accept and surrender to the situation, but, you know, I can't. Maybe when I Know. Maybe not.
It's foggy in my head. Can't think clearly so I better take it one step at a time.
-
Thursday 26/3/15
I need to know, I want to know.
The cravings are creeping back in (and I haven't even begun the juice thing yet). It always starts slowly. I want to find out what this is before the blindness kicks in again. I want to Know, I don't want to choose blindness over seeing ever again. No more games. Am I strong enough? Yes. Despite bloating, cramping, spraining and all that jazz, yes I am. I can handle things as they are without the blinders.
Still on with the juice plan, going on intuition. Not so much planning it as moving towards it and handling accordingly, prompted by the inner voice. Stocking up on 2liter-boxes of water.
If I can do without the blinders, does this mean I can do without the protective layers of fat? Yes. Yes, it does. I don't need this fat anymore.
Still need to know though, to understand, take away the cause.
Permanently.
-
Friday 27/3/15
In all three books I'm reading this week, people are dealing with starvation. The Universe's irony?
One fiction - Oliver Twist - two non-fiction. Both people/writers ending up in concentration camps, one of them voluntarily going there, then getting killed, after having written the first *diary/spiritual autolysis process I have ever (re)read, the other coming out to write "Man's Search for Meaning".
*Etty Hillesum
0:35 (in bed)
Seen in real life examples of what it means to close your eyes to certain aspects of yourself. There is progress, but it will always be limited until there is a readiness to see, to shed light on the dark, scary places. Enough examples to know that this is not the way for me. I must know. I want to know. I am ready to know. No more protection from either fat or selective blindness.
And maybe no more protection is needed if I genuinely stop beating myself up with that cynical mental voice. If I become the safe place.
-
Saturday 28/3/15
Stayed in today. Only two and a half walks this week.
More cravings. Asked myself why I wanted (needed) to eat, but no answer came, which is strange. I'm just not used to that with my intuition talking to me so readily about almost anything but this. Weird.
Still no answer. What's going on in this area? This cannot remain in the dark. Although until now, it's doing a hell of a job.
Is it as cliché as filling up a void?
Or a substitute for some other nourishment, which I do need?
Why am I in the dark about this, how is that even possible? Do I not want to know? Do I not want to be my beautiful self again, effortlessly? Will I lose myself along with my fat? Is it fat or is it 'my' fat?
Are memories and experiences stored in it which will be lost forever if the fat goes? Am I afraid to lose this part of myself? Am I afraid to let go of all that (old) pain even though I don't need it anymore?
No more games. I can be without the past. I can.
-
Sunday 29/3/15
A week in the life of, and no pristine, nice little conclusion or solution. Just anger and frustration and fed-up-with-it-ness.
Is this a case of the mind needing to play itself out? Of not forcing things? Of 'over-intention'? Well F%CK YOU. F&CK. YOU.
Been up for only a few hours - typing - and feeling dead tired again. In the morning it takes me at least an hour to get up, sometimes two.
I simply don't know. I don't possess the clarity needed for an insight. That's how it is right now. Okay. I'll pet a cat instead.
Life's poetry.
I am fat
I don't know what to do about that
Instead
I'll pet a cat
Frustrated with... the process? Even though I saw this coming, this period of massive clean-up, I am still frustrated. Partly because of the hypochondriac thing. What's wrong? Should I go to the doctor? Still listening to the voice within and it says NO every time. Still..
No happy moments anymore, no elation, no joy. Just the lowest points getting lighter, less heavy.
But continuously, this process, hardly ever on social media. Just to show I'm still alive.
-
Monday 23/3/15
Finally walked again. It's been weeks(?) ((lost track of time a bit)). Woke up with even more tension in my gut than usual, so that was a a sign I'd be going for a walk. Less limping so that's nice. Spontaneous rash/eczema thing on my left wrist, all kinds of stuff, pains, weirdness going on in my body.
Going for the juice-thing again, the big one. Coinciding with all this mental crap coming to the surface, old stuff (even some helpful past lives' images) in body and mind, and with me seeing my reflection in the living room window.
I can tell myself to 'be the whale' but this isn't me, it doesn't suit me. (It does, however, fatsuit me.)
Hopefully at some point I'll be done with making myself fat. First the juice thing, I'm planning that, then for two or three weeks after that I'll be eating small meals and after that I'll let it go and see what happens, cos I'm no good at getting forced to do something. Thinness has to come from inside, by itself. But for now this seems the right thing to do. Cleanse body and mind.
It's hard to be sincere while writing, but it's hardest when I'm putting food in my mouth. There's a voluntary blindness, I can almost feel myself pushing away questions and observations with an alarming ease I could use in other areas of my life.
Read "Play". Will definitely be reading it again soon.
-
Tuesday 24/3/15
Interesting rash spread to both wrists, red crocodile skin. My body's immune system seems a bit down; been having a cold for three weeks (although in almost everybody else it's been a heavy case of six days paralized-in-bed-flu so I'm still spoiled).
Lots of tension in belly.
Annoyed, close to anger.
Want to rise above all this crap, am I not done yet with this smallish life? What is still holding me back? Stirrings of anger again.
I saw this coming, I did.
I told myself "better to have it all at once, one period of dug-up mess and muck and all things old and over." Yes, but.. Yes Osho. There is no 'yes, but'. There is only a real yes. Or a no.
WHY IS THERE NO???
Anger. Better than frustration, I guess.
Also, need to know why I eat/stuff myself.
-
Wednesday 25/3/15
Poor wet kitty shaped shadow behind the living room curtain. When I pulled it up she breathed a little blue cloud on the window and it slowly evaporated. Poor thing was waiting there in the rain.
So. I want to understand why food/eating has been such an issue, in a continuous cycle from hardly eating at all to overeating and stuffing myself like a Christmas turkey.
I want to understand. If I say it enough times, maybe some clarity will arise in a dream or idea. And now I do want to know. While eating there is no thinking, but a clear shoving aside of any food-related questions. Stronger pushing away than in other areas. Can only examine this while not eating. So maybe I can find some explanation, a cause, in the next few weeks. If I don't really know where this is coming from, it won't stop being an issue.
Well, I could always completely and wholeheartedly accept and surrender to the situation, but, you know, I can't. Maybe when I Know. Maybe not.
It's foggy in my head. Can't think clearly so I better take it one step at a time.
-
Thursday 26/3/15
I need to know, I want to know.
The cravings are creeping back in (and I haven't even begun the juice thing yet). It always starts slowly. I want to find out what this is before the blindness kicks in again. I want to Know, I don't want to choose blindness over seeing ever again. No more games. Am I strong enough? Yes. Despite bloating, cramping, spraining and all that jazz, yes I am. I can handle things as they are without the blinders.
Still on with the juice plan, going on intuition. Not so much planning it as moving towards it and handling accordingly, prompted by the inner voice. Stocking up on 2liter-boxes of water.
If I can do without the blinders, does this mean I can do without the protective layers of fat? Yes. Yes, it does. I don't need this fat anymore.
Still need to know though, to understand, take away the cause.
Permanently.
-
Friday 27/3/15
In all three books I'm reading this week, people are dealing with starvation. The Universe's irony?
One fiction - Oliver Twist - two non-fiction. Both people/writers ending up in concentration camps, one of them voluntarily going there, then getting killed, after having written the first *diary/spiritual autolysis process I have ever (re)read, the other coming out to write "Man's Search for Meaning".
*Etty Hillesum
0:35 (in bed)
Seen in real life examples of what it means to close your eyes to certain aspects of yourself. There is progress, but it will always be limited until there is a readiness to see, to shed light on the dark, scary places. Enough examples to know that this is not the way for me. I must know. I want to know. I am ready to know. No more protection from either fat or selective blindness.
And maybe no more protection is needed if I genuinely stop beating myself up with that cynical mental voice. If I become the safe place.
-
Saturday 28/3/15
Stayed in today. Only two and a half walks this week.
More cravings. Asked myself why I wanted (needed) to eat, but no answer came, which is strange. I'm just not used to that with my intuition talking to me so readily about almost anything but this. Weird.
Still no answer. What's going on in this area? This cannot remain in the dark. Although until now, it's doing a hell of a job.
Is it as cliché as filling up a void?
Or a substitute for some other nourishment, which I do need?
Why am I in the dark about this, how is that even possible? Do I not want to know? Do I not want to be my beautiful self again, effortlessly? Will I lose myself along with my fat? Is it fat or is it 'my' fat?
Are memories and experiences stored in it which will be lost forever if the fat goes? Am I afraid to lose this part of myself? Am I afraid to let go of all that (old) pain even though I don't need it anymore?
No more games. I can be without the past. I can.
-
Sunday 29/3/15
A week in the life of, and no pristine, nice little conclusion or solution. Just anger and frustration and fed-up-with-it-ness.
Is this a case of the mind needing to play itself out? Of not forcing things? Of 'over-intention'? Well F%CK YOU. F&CK. YOU.
Been up for only a few hours - typing - and feeling dead tired again. In the morning it takes me at least an hour to get up, sometimes two.
I simply don't know. I don't possess the clarity needed for an insight. That's how it is right now. Okay. I'll pet a cat instead.
Life's poetry.
I am fat
I don't know what to do about that
Instead
I'll pet a cat
posted by M. at 3:47 PM
2 Comments:
Where have you gone?
Still here :) Just mostly off-line.
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