Week 11

Monday

Like the tides. Nerves come and go. Relaxation visits and releases tension somewhere in my body. Fear and stress surface, linger, dissipate.
Rinse and repeat.
Maybe there's no need to examine the stuff that surfaces, it's all the same anyway. Same old anxieties.
Examining them means holding them in place longer than necessary. They look familiar? Let them go, you don't need them anymore.
Quick look (quick honest look) might be all that's required. Trust your judgement.
Wow, that takes some of the pressure off!
I don't have to DO anything with it. They are already being released.

-

My love, there's no need to advertise or defend yourself. There's no need to beg for approval, no need to show your talents, to defend your right to be. Existence needs you to be, exactly the way you are, were and will be.
Don't try to make yourself useful to other people.
Be as you are, for you alone. Don't let yourself be used just so you'll be liked. You won't. Just be. Like yourself.
Appreciate your uselessness to other people: it's a gift.


Tuesday

First the guys in Key & Peele were talking about how they'd be useless in a fight and I was surprised by how much it made me like them.
For a man to say something like that.. only a real man can say such a thing.
It sat somewhere in my subconscious for weeks, along with images of them pretend kung fu fighting.
What an eye-opener. They're too busy having fun, focusing on doing awesome things, to be preoccupied with defense and offense and all sorts of possible outcomes to threatening situations. When they do, they make it funny. Light.
If a man can be okay with knowing he wouldn't stand a chance in a fight, why am I always beating myself up over this? And yes, I saw the violence in that sentence. I am the one I have to defend myself from the most. I keep berating myself.
I have these fantasy fights; fictitious hypothetical situations, and the fantasy always ends with me thinking: "Who am I kidding? When these things happen I freeze." I can't prepare for real life situations this way, maybe that's something I need to accept. The mind wants to be sure.
Then this morning one of the DJ's I like said Lily Allen scared him a little and he was pretty sure she would beat him in a fight. And he sounded completely okay with it and himself. Unconcerned.
I liked him so much for saying it. It made me aware of my own preoccupation with wanting to be able to protect myself with violence, even though that's clearly not my way.
This made me think more of these men, not less. Thank you, men.
Something to digest. This whole cockfighting attitude.

Week 10

Detected falseness:

- The need to be needed. I think up these things to do for others in order to gain a sense of control over them/circumstances/life in general. Then when someone does need me, it gives me a sense of satisfaction and/or superiority. Depends on who it is.
So, all it comes down to is being much too sensitive to others, defining myself through others.
I might be a hermit, but I might as well be Kermit because I'm still performing in a Muppetshow. Other people's puppet, willingly - although not consciously - handing over control, giving away power over me. No wonder I try to get some of it back.
So how do I stop giving people power over me? Maybe it's enough to see it, for now, since no clear answer arises.

- When I feel nervous, frightened, rotten, bad, whatever, I try to see it as part of everything. "This too is what's needed at this moment and in this way is exactly as it should be." But sometimes I'm too jumpy and all I do is use my brain to tell myself this, like a story. That's not real. I can't push myself to feel okay about feeling awful and afraid.
I still label them 'bad days' when I feel bad.
If this were true I'd be a failure at living 362 days a year. They are not bad days, they are exactly as they should be. These labels are judgements and add unnecessary pressure. I am doing my job.

Week 9

Monday

My sister texted me to ask what I'm doing for my birthday; my father asked her because he was going to be in the country and offered to come to my birthday. He visited me here once in twelve years, so for him it's a big thing.
I texted back as honest as I could. Sort of came down to this: been away too often too much last year, so won't be going to my sister's. Doing nothing for my birthday. Have an issue to solve by the end of the week and can't use any added stress (--> my father visiting).
Put us together and we both fall silent until I make an insecure remark just to say something and he responds with biting contempt.
She kind of knew I would say this so she tried to explain it to our father. Probably just the bit about having been away too much and my need to be alone.
I tried to express my feelings in the next text. Couldn't stop myself.
I don't talk to anyone here so when someone texts me, sometimes a flood of words comes out. In texts, much easier than talking.
'I wish it wasn't like this - for him as well - and it hurts, but it is what it is, and if something or someone only causes you pain and grief...
Hope he gets it. It's not a rejection of him, but of how he makes me feel.'
Then I asked her to give him a hug from me.
And then I cried, hard.
I do wish it wasn't like this because there's a good chance he'll die before we can have a normal conversation. Him saying he wants to visit me on my birthday, here, where I live, hurts only more.
He means well. That kills me.
The loss is like a hole in my gut.
I felt an inexplicable sadness all afternoon, while my sister's unread text was waiting for me at home. I sat on a bench near a bridge, listening to the radio, face in the sun, and I kept feeling this nameless loss for no reason. This longing. My God. I'm so alone.

I like it when things, people, situations, improve, get better, evolve, heal. Progress. Before & Afters. And I do love him.
It's hard to know where to draw the line. I need to protect myself - no-one else will - from getting hurt by him, in the same way he has hurt me over and over again despite good intentions. It cuts so deep, the cynical remarks about my year-round vacation (on welfare) and the atmosphere of animosity and rejection.
I am not a confident person, partly because of this, so I'm not able to enjoy his company and dismiss his remarks as 'his problem'. I take his personal attacks personal. Oh irony. If I'd been raised by loving parents I'd have been confident and secure enough with myself to let any spite bounce right off me.
He doesn't know any better.
He means well.
That's what hurts the most: his good intentions. I feel so bad for him, I'm such a sap. Understanding, sensitive, grovelly.
Can't stop crying.
I wish we could just sit together in comfortable silence or something. Something, before he dies.


Thursday

It's a lonely business, this. Most of the time I don't feel lonely though. I enjoy the company of the radio, the birds outside, Cat purring in my lap, plants, TV-series, the creators of TV-series. In my mind I am with them all. Usually I don't miss people because they're in my heart, so with me. This week though... man.
After my sister stopped responding to my texts I crashed into a well of pain in the middle of my being. Don't mean to be dramatic, but the birds-nest of ego, made up of stories, memories and opinions, can feel extremely real. In a moment like that, reasoning your way out of a pain-pit is not a possibility. You just let it take you where you apparently need to go. (Further.)
It was horrible. A person without foundations, all wobbly on the inside, any pinprick (text/comment) can destroy them. It has been a while since I felt like that. It lasted several days. It feels dangerous, better to stay inside.
Then last night, the sound of an incoming text. I was afraid to read it, so waited until the documentary I was watching had ended. But it was my Greek ex, asking me for my address because he wanted to send me something.
Corny maybe, but it was like a light in the darkness. I felt so alone and lonely, and isolated. What a nice surprise; someone in Greece was thinking of me.

Still feel pretty bad, but I can see the small birds again, fighting for control over a ball of seeds - I put it on a branch just visible from my rocking chair. The robin is back as well! Tiny little bad-ass.
Inside me, a train crash. Outside, drops in the wet grass shining like pearls in the occasional ray of light. That's life, I guess.
"Grace" by Jeff Buckley, on the radio right now.
Yes. Thank you. That's life.

.....................................................................................................
Dear M.

Happy birthday to you.
There are some things you need to know, because the time for you to know them has come.
This is not an accident. Your unemployment is not and has never been, an accident. It was a careful orchestration by forces beyond your comprehension, to ensure your focus. You needed to be focused on this, your work, and for that reason alone you have been seemingly unemployed for this long.
I know it must feel like a long time, it must be difficult to feel useless and cast aside, like you're not a part of the world.
Darling, be sure that you are a significant part of this world.
Life has been orchestrating your existence and the conditions necessary to become and grow into your part of being the writer of the book.
The book will be written. Rest assured of that. It has been a long time in the making, even before you were born. The book is your most important work and gift to the world, and in order to write the book you had to become the one who would be able to write it.
Becoming the writer is your job.
Make no mistake, this is your job and nothing else. Your process is the subject and the runway. It needs to be done in order for the book to be born. You cannot write the book before the process has reached its climax.
This process is your all-important job. Don't mind society, don't mind opinions and your own fears, your work is crucially important. This work has been orchestrated to be released into the world through you.
Please understand. This comes first, it is not something to be done on the side. There are no accidents, you will see. All will become clear, everything is as it was supposed to be.
Rejoice. The book will be written, do you not feel it in your heart of hearts? As you say, this is an authentic desire, and when a desire is authentic it has been placed in your heart by Existence, which means it will become a reality. In fact, it already is.
Happy birthday.

.....................................................................................................

Sunday

It was a good day. It was nice. I had a piece of cheesecake with a little candle in it, walked for two and a half hours, made a bolognese sauce for lasagne, watched some excellent TV-series and talked to my Greek ex on the phone for two hours.
I passionately dislike phone calls, but with him - and it surprised both of us - it was so nice it was hard to hang up the phone.
We talked about our sisters and their families, the horrible situation in Greece, his olive trees, politics, haring, moving (he still lives in the tiny apartment where we lived together).
It didn't drain me, as it normally would. I relaxed and let him talk about bankers and their hold on his country. I was able to listen. It didn't suck my energy! Near miraculous. It was wonderful, pleasant, comfortable, it felt like a real closeness. Good day.

Week 7

Monday

Back in the grey zone. Reread some Osho and again realized how little I'm laughing lately. I used to laugh all the time, even - and sometimes especially - in times of crisis. Maybe because it's never good enough for me anymore; this needs fixing, that needs to go away, the stalker needs to find a new hobby, et cetera.
There will be shit. Deal with it. Laugh.
At least I discovered I do have a limit, there's a limit to the amount of shit I'm willing to deal with. That's good to know.
Sometimes I feel like a dog lying down belly up, throat unprotected, taking every beating and doing nothing about it. There's a limit and that feels good. It's not a game of Job anymore.

Anger, past two days. Had to force myself not to do anything.
I still don't get it, how is it possible that things we've already learned over and over again in the past suddenly vanish from our minds at the next opportunity? Don't do anything when you're angry.
And then: angry. And then: oh I want to do something. Completely forgetting, until the second before I start moving.
Don't do anything when you're terrified either. This one is even harder because I'm afraid most of the time, so it's a matter of degrees. Scared or terrified? Afraid or paralysed with fear? Actually, paralysed can be good, as in: no action, not doing something.

The Big Fear has retreated and like fleas, all the other fears jump back in to fill the void. When I get too focused on one of them I remind myself: Truth. Remember the goal.
If there is nothing you can do about that particular fear, if intuition doesn't have anything to say, then you might as well refocus: this is why you are here, this is the point of your specific life: Truth.

Stood in front of the bathroom mirror yesterday and in a loud voice told myself to [slap] "WAKE!" [slap other cheek] "UP!"
More anger. I'm back to sleeping in my bedroom, with earplugs so I can't hear the ass-hole lurking about outside.
Making an effort not to take myself so seriously, to laugh more.
Couple of days ago two kids cycled past me and screamed "WHORE!!" which at first hit the target, then rapidly dissolved. I didn't respond, just kept on walking.
Kids have this knack of intuitively spotting weaknesses. I know I'm not the only woman who's suffered sexual assault who gets called a whore by little boys growing towards a fruitful future of sexual violence against women. [SLAP]
Back at home I told myself I should be grateful, because apparently I look like someone with a job.
Making an effort.
Life, whatever it looks like, is much more fun when you're willing to laugh. Maybe at some point laughing will come naturally to me again.