Week 7
Monday
Back in the grey zone. Reread some Osho and again realized how little I'm laughing lately. I used to laugh all the time, even - and sometimes especially - in times of crisis. Maybe because it's never good enough for me anymore; this needs fixing, that needs to go away, the stalker needs to find a new hobby, et cetera.
There will be shit. Deal with it. Laugh.
At least I discovered I do have a limit, there's a limit to the amount of shit I'm willing to deal with. That's good to know.
Sometimes I feel like a dog lying down belly up, throat unprotected, taking every beating and doing nothing about it. There's a limit and that feels good. It's not a game of Job anymore.
Anger, past two days. Had to force myself not to do anything.
I still don't get it, how is it possible that things we've already learned over and over again in the past suddenly vanish from our minds at the next opportunity? Don't do anything when you're angry.
And then: angry. And then: oh I want to do something. Completely forgetting, until the second before I start moving.
Don't do anything when you're terrified either. This one is even harder because I'm afraid most of the time, so it's a matter of degrees. Scared or terrified? Afraid or paralysed with fear? Actually, paralysed can be good, as in: no action, not doing something.
The Big Fear has retreated and like fleas, all the other fears jump back in to fill the void. When I get too focused on one of them I remind myself: Truth. Remember the goal.
If there is nothing you can do about that particular fear, if intuition doesn't have anything to say, then you might as well refocus: this is why you are here, this is the point of your specific life: Truth.
Stood in front of the bathroom mirror yesterday and in a loud voice told myself to [slap] "WAKE!" [slap other cheek] "UP!"
More anger. I'm back to sleeping in my bedroom, with earplugs so I can't hear the ass-hole lurking about outside.
Making an effort not to take myself so seriously, to laugh more.
Couple of days ago two kids cycled past me and screamed "WHORE!!" which at first hit the target, then rapidly dissolved. I didn't respond, just kept on walking.
Kids have this knack of intuitively spotting weaknesses. I know I'm not the only woman who's suffered sexual assault who gets called a whore by little boys growing towards a fruitful future of sexual violence against women. [SLAP]
Back at home I told myself I should be grateful, because apparently I look like someone with a job.
Making an effort.
Life, whatever it looks like, is much more fun when you're willing to laugh. Maybe at some point laughing will come naturally to me again.
Back in the grey zone. Reread some Osho and again realized how little I'm laughing lately. I used to laugh all the time, even - and sometimes especially - in times of crisis. Maybe because it's never good enough for me anymore; this needs fixing, that needs to go away, the stalker needs to find a new hobby, et cetera.
There will be shit. Deal with it. Laugh.
At least I discovered I do have a limit, there's a limit to the amount of shit I'm willing to deal with. That's good to know.
Sometimes I feel like a dog lying down belly up, throat unprotected, taking every beating and doing nothing about it. There's a limit and that feels good. It's not a game of Job anymore.
Anger, past two days. Had to force myself not to do anything.
I still don't get it, how is it possible that things we've already learned over and over again in the past suddenly vanish from our minds at the next opportunity? Don't do anything when you're angry.
And then: angry. And then: oh I want to do something. Completely forgetting, until the second before I start moving.
Don't do anything when you're terrified either. This one is even harder because I'm afraid most of the time, so it's a matter of degrees. Scared or terrified? Afraid or paralysed with fear? Actually, paralysed can be good, as in: no action, not doing something.
The Big Fear has retreated and like fleas, all the other fears jump back in to fill the void. When I get too focused on one of them I remind myself: Truth. Remember the goal.
If there is nothing you can do about that particular fear, if intuition doesn't have anything to say, then you might as well refocus: this is why you are here, this is the point of your specific life: Truth.
Stood in front of the bathroom mirror yesterday and in a loud voice told myself to [slap] "WAKE!" [slap other cheek] "UP!"
More anger. I'm back to sleeping in my bedroom, with earplugs so I can't hear the ass-hole lurking about outside.
Making an effort not to take myself so seriously, to laugh more.
Couple of days ago two kids cycled past me and screamed "WHORE!!" which at first hit the target, then rapidly dissolved. I didn't respond, just kept on walking.
Kids have this knack of intuitively spotting weaknesses. I know I'm not the only woman who's suffered sexual assault who gets called a whore by little boys growing towards a fruitful future of sexual violence against women. [SLAP]
Back at home I told myself I should be grateful, because apparently I look like someone with a job.
Making an effort.
Life, whatever it looks like, is much more fun when you're willing to laugh. Maybe at some point laughing will come naturally to me again.
posted by M. at 1:00 PM
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