Onward, soldier

[Hanging clothes to dry and repeatedly running off between towels and underwear to write in my notebook.]

Having a hard time with this 'alone' thing. It has not sunk in. I still run through possible (but not quite) scenarios in which someone will, maybe, temporarily, be by my side.
Maybe this will happen, maybe that will happen. Maybe, maybe, maybe. For someone who is fine with being alone almost all of the time, I sure am susceptible to fantasies about cuddling and closeness (and sex).
So I haven't fully accepted it yet. Okay. I'll keep my awareness-beam trained on this (my superpower).
What happens when I repeat it to myself? I am alone. I have always been alone. I will always be alone. Even when I'm with someone, I am alone. I am alone.
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Look, M. It's okay if you don't resolve this right now. The important thing is to recognize what is. At least now you're not fooling yourself anymore.
So you're not totally fine yet with being utterly and completely alone forever. Wow! Massive failure! Not. At least this is real.
Once you stop kidding yourself, the opportunity arises to see things as they are.
It doesn't need to be black or white.
Face this as is, without pushing and fighting to resolve it. You are alone, and you haven't fully accepted it yet. Stay with that.
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Be aware of your emotional need to 'fix' things.
Learn to be with what is.

As you were, private.