Hidden work
Exhausted. Maybe I'm going into hibernation early this year. Woke up at 12:40 even though I went to bed at 2am (and listened to music for an hour; falling asleep takes time).
Wanted to see the movie "Alive", that true story about survivors of a plane crash in the Andes, eating their dead. Don't know if I can though, eyes are burning. I don't know why I'm this tired.
Didn't do much today. Read a section of a self-help book, taking notes for Ex, cycled to the volunteer's work, did a small amount of work, gave someone a Reiki treatment and cycled home. Oh and I wrote a column, but other than that..
Maybe because what I did wasn't much, but did require a lot of energy.
I actually wrote my column about some of the things I write about here. It will be published on my Dutch blog tomorrow, where I know my family will read it. So I was a bit apprehensive about the vulnerability part, about the softening and the safe places.
Even writing about it made me feel vulnerable; I observed how in the back of my mind I was reading along, seeing things through my father's condemning eyes. But I did it anyway, assuring myself he's not right just because he's my biological rain shower (term used by my sister to support her name change when we were young).
He thinks any money spent on me by Social Security is a waste and should instead be spent on 'people who really need it'. He seems to think I'm faking my 'misery' and my life is one big vacation. I'm just plain lazy.
I've stopped trying to prove otherwise. It's important to know better than that and that's how I wrote the column; it's important to me so I will do it, nothing will change his mind anyway. His loss, right?
Exhausting nonetheless.
Stormwind outside, lovely. Maybe I'll go to bed early and enjoy the sound of the wind blowing through the birch tree.
Wanted to see the movie "Alive", that true story about survivors of a plane crash in the Andes, eating their dead. Don't know if I can though, eyes are burning. I don't know why I'm this tired.
Didn't do much today. Read a section of a self-help book, taking notes for Ex, cycled to the volunteer's work, did a small amount of work, gave someone a Reiki treatment and cycled home. Oh and I wrote a column, but other than that..
Maybe because what I did wasn't much, but did require a lot of energy.
I actually wrote my column about some of the things I write about here. It will be published on my Dutch blog tomorrow, where I know my family will read it. So I was a bit apprehensive about the vulnerability part, about the softening and the safe places.
Even writing about it made me feel vulnerable; I observed how in the back of my mind I was reading along, seeing things through my father's condemning eyes. But I did it anyway, assuring myself he's not right just because he's my biological rain shower (term used by my sister to support her name change when we were young).
He thinks any money spent on me by Social Security is a waste and should instead be spent on 'people who really need it'. He seems to think I'm faking my 'misery' and my life is one big vacation. I'm just plain lazy.
I've stopped trying to prove otherwise. It's important to know better than that and that's how I wrote the column; it's important to me so I will do it, nothing will change his mind anyway. His loss, right?
Exhausting nonetheless.
Stormwind outside, lovely. Maybe I'll go to bed early and enjoy the sound of the wind blowing through the birch tree.
posted by M. at 11:38 PM
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