Ugly

Bit lost. Surge of panick earlier, knot in my belly. Fear. Sometimes it rears it's ugly head, like an unwanted pet, like that Alien-thing struggling to surface out of my body, wriggling, twisting and turning my insides in the process. Can't think straight when that happens.
Just the thought of going to training tomorrow, I can worry about that for weeks, should I go, should I stay home? It's just exercise with a small group of people. I'm petrified.
What I fear the most is something that has already happened before, although in another group; tears started rolling down my face. There's teenage girls there, kids. It's so embarrassing.
Something in my head shuts down, I can't grasp what I'm being told and the simplest of moves seems foreign territory, my hands start sweating and when someone loses their patience with me I just want to curl up in a corner and cry or die, whichever comes first.
Extreme performance anxiety plus an unhealthy fear of groups. Sometimes I wonder whether I'm torturing myself by still trying to go. But when the lesson goes well I feel great afterwards, satisfied with myself.
But that's not the only thing that causes the fear. I suspect it doesn't cause the fear as much as awakens it. Along with the neighbour parking his car right in front of my driveway/front yard today, so I couldn't cycle to my shed, but had to force myself and my bike through the wet shrubs.
Of course he immediately came outside with his dog; it's a hard job intimidating the person next door, but someone has to do it.
This comes dangerously close to selfpity. I'm hoping I can write it down and get rid of it. Writing here definitely resembles going to the toilet at times.
I'm so sick of this fear. I don't want to live like this. Living? Ha! That's not living, hiding in my house, afraid of the world and the people in it.
What's so positive, really, about being so sensitive? Yes I can sense people's feelings, moods, issues, what's the point? What's the bloody use? I can't even deal with my own feelings moods and issues, let alone taking on other people's stuff, which, of course, I try to do anyway, because I don't want others to hurt like I hurt.
I have a friend with a life. His parents are nice middle class people. He was in the Boy Scouts, had a nice upbringing, enjoyed a succesful career and when he felt it was time to start sharing the good things in his life, he started dating and the second one was the right one, the right woman for him. Now he became a father.
Smooth sailing, a life full of nature, good people, love from his family, not a cloud in the sky. Now if I didn't believe in reincarnation I'd be really pissed off. You know what, I'm still pissed, because it seems so damn unfair. I didn't have one day in three decades resembling that blue sky life of his.
Now his life would be a total bore as a book, no adversities, hurdles, anything. It's like he lives in a whole different world, there's no comparison. It's not very inspiring, at least not for me, I like to read about people overcoming difficulties in life and becoming stronger, gaining insights along the way. But it does fascinate me in a way; is that really possible?
Is it actually possible to live like that with so much hurt and pain and suffering going on in the world? I've seen things, read things, experienced things that make it hard to be blissfully happy. People I love are hurting.
But apparantly there's a million different worlds in this one world. Even my world has changed from the world as I experienced it when I was a young girl.
How come I can have these great insights and still have so much fear inside me?
I get that it's being stirred and is coming up to the surface, so once again I can scoop some of it off and be rid of it. But man! There's so f***ing much of it!! So much fear! I'm sick of it. SICK. Sick and f***ing tired. I don't want this shit anymore. It's shit.

Okay this helps. Tears.

How can a person be so brave and scared at the same time? Like my ex said: I look like a deer in headlights. I'm so scared.
I don't even know why, most of what can happen to me has already happened. The worst thing that can happen is when I die before I have a chance to write the book. Then all this crap, all of this horrible, painful life has been in vain.
Isn't that the biggest fear of all? To leave nothing behind? Nothing of importance? So my father can be right about me? I am a loser?
He's not. He's too f***ing scared of his own issues and so turns to me, to crush my self-esteem. Who's the loser.

God I'm so tired. I don't know what to do. Wait it out I guess. I can't live like this much longer, I can't. What's the point of learning and growing if I stay as scared as I am. They should make hamburgers out of me. There's my legacy.