Dwellings, canoes, dwarfs and unstoppable M.
Feel as I do when something is about to change. Dropped off the big fat final questionnaire on my way to the volunteer’s work today (the psychologists’ office is right next door from there, very convenient). Was a great deal of work filling it out. Didn’t go unnoticed by my body either. I slept away the morning again, as usual lately, and woke up from an unusual dream.
Now I know that being in the dream state is enough in itself, we don’t need another layer of dreams, but hey, it’s my diary, so here goes.
...I’m in the house where my father lives with his wife. There are many guests who have come to see the canoe race in the canal in front of the house, and to join the party afterwards. My father’s wife says goodbye to me, indicating it’s time for me to go. I’m scared to go however, because two guys, dwarf sized, are attempting to break the lock on the front door. At the same time I break out in a cold sweat trying to lock it. When I retreat up the stairs, seeing no way I can stop them from coming in, a nice young couple approaches me; new guests, and I see a way of delaying my exit by showing them the gathering area; a large circular room. There are so many guestrooms in this place I muse, and wake up thinking In my father’s house are many rooms...
Then stop to wonder why that sounds so familiar. "In my Father’s house are many dwelling places", I realize, suspecting it's something religious. (In Dutch the two sentences are alike, without distinction between rooms and dwelling places.)
This struck me as funny, since I don’t ‘know my bible’. I have no religious background whatsoever.
Anyway.
Was busy for hours, filling out that autobiographical questionnaire, my back hurt and neck and shoulders were totally cramped. Not much better today, took a painkiller. Ever since I came home the fear has taken up a very prominent place in my chest, increasing all the time. Now my whole belly and everything in it is tense, tight, cramped up.
Seeing the friendly guy at social security again tomorrow, to fill him in on what’s happening.
I’m scared. Yes, as usual. The fear has surfaced, boy has it surfaced. Also, I’m starting to see and acknowledge what a mess I really am. Maybe I wasn’t able to before, because I still had some desperate hope that somehow I’d Wake Up really, really soon (canoe race, party after the finish line!) and so would avoid any more pain.
There’s no short cut, I have to pass all the stops along the way.
Ironically just today someone came up to me and told me I was a picture of relaxation and ease, as he has informed me before.
As I did then, I told him not to judge a book by it’s cover, I’m merely very practised in hiding my unease and nervousness and overall stress.
There have been times when outward I was joking and smiling and inward was trying to contain a hurricane of raging terror. How people didn’t see that, is beyond me. Most people don’t seem to be very observant.
Since it’s all I ever do, observe everything I do, think and say, it was only natural for the habit to extend to observing others as well.
I only needed one look at the women in the psychologists’ office to know which woman I didn’t want to talk to; she had a hostile look on her face. I doubt if anyone saw that but me, but it was obvious she didn’t feel good about herself, she radiated animosity against the world and everyone in it. How could she be the right one for me to talk to about the most sensitive issues in my life?
Useful hobby, observation.
Next Wednesday or Thursday I’ll get a call from the office and they’ll let me know who the lucky psychologist is.
I’m a mess compared to the ‘together’ people who need no more than two years to follow the process to it’s ‘end’. It has taken me a long time and literally blood sweat and tears to get where I am now. Can you imagine what a mess I was before?
Maybe it’s naive to think I can do this like anyone else, like the people who start out normal, with lives, with healthy, ripe ego’s, ready to fall from the trees. Maybe.
On the other hand, this is all I have been doing for half my life now, I have no other choice, this IS me. There’s no going back for me, no turning around. The choice has been made a long, long time ago and I’m charging forward like an unstoppable force of nature. It will happen, I was born for it.
So on one hand I’m a dishevelled mess with lots of fears, but on the other I’m like a fish in water with this. Is it possible to develop in this area while neglecting other areas of life?
I did get a little taste of almost everything. But little tastes were all I needed to know that wasn’t what I wanted. I’m just picky. I knew what I wanted from the start, that’s what I suspect. I knew what I wanted from this life and I got busy attaining it. I don’t see why else I would have chosen such a shit life for myself.
I wanted to get straight to the point. And along the way I did and do learn about all the other things in life. They’re just not a priority and never have been. They were and are important, but This is my priority.
So maybe it's possible after all. Even though I don’t take care of myself right now. The changes are happening fast lately. The ground work has been done in the past five years.
As I’ve said here before, the quiet moments are rare for me, but I’ve experienced four or five this year alone. Not much maybe, for you lucky people out there, but compare that to let’s say five in the past ten years and you’ll know why five in one year is a whole lot to me.
Well, I just can’t say where this period is going to end. Might just be in another period of nothingness being a depressed hermit. Might also be something entirely different. In my Father’s house are many dwelling places. Whatever that means. Just thought it appropriate.
***M.
Now I know that being in the dream state is enough in itself, we don’t need another layer of dreams, but hey, it’s my diary, so here goes.
...I’m in the house where my father lives with his wife. There are many guests who have come to see the canoe race in the canal in front of the house, and to join the party afterwards. My father’s wife says goodbye to me, indicating it’s time for me to go. I’m scared to go however, because two guys, dwarf sized, are attempting to break the lock on the front door. At the same time I break out in a cold sweat trying to lock it. When I retreat up the stairs, seeing no way I can stop them from coming in, a nice young couple approaches me; new guests, and I see a way of delaying my exit by showing them the gathering area; a large circular room. There are so many guestrooms in this place I muse, and wake up thinking In my father’s house are many rooms...
Then stop to wonder why that sounds so familiar. "In my Father’s house are many dwelling places", I realize, suspecting it's something religious. (In Dutch the two sentences are alike, without distinction between rooms and dwelling places.)
This struck me as funny, since I don’t ‘know my bible’. I have no religious background whatsoever.
Anyway.
Was busy for hours, filling out that autobiographical questionnaire, my back hurt and neck and shoulders were totally cramped. Not much better today, took a painkiller. Ever since I came home the fear has taken up a very prominent place in my chest, increasing all the time. Now my whole belly and everything in it is tense, tight, cramped up.
Seeing the friendly guy at social security again tomorrow, to fill him in on what’s happening.
I’m scared. Yes, as usual. The fear has surfaced, boy has it surfaced. Also, I’m starting to see and acknowledge what a mess I really am. Maybe I wasn’t able to before, because I still had some desperate hope that somehow I’d Wake Up really, really soon (canoe race, party after the finish line!) and so would avoid any more pain.
There’s no short cut, I have to pass all the stops along the way.
Ironically just today someone came up to me and told me I was a picture of relaxation and ease, as he has informed me before.
As I did then, I told him not to judge a book by it’s cover, I’m merely very practised in hiding my unease and nervousness and overall stress.
There have been times when outward I was joking and smiling and inward was trying to contain a hurricane of raging terror. How people didn’t see that, is beyond me. Most people don’t seem to be very observant.
Since it’s all I ever do, observe everything I do, think and say, it was only natural for the habit to extend to observing others as well.
I only needed one look at the women in the psychologists’ office to know which woman I didn’t want to talk to; she had a hostile look on her face. I doubt if anyone saw that but me, but it was obvious she didn’t feel good about herself, she radiated animosity against the world and everyone in it. How could she be the right one for me to talk to about the most sensitive issues in my life?
Useful hobby, observation.
Next Wednesday or Thursday I’ll get a call from the office and they’ll let me know who the lucky psychologist is.
I’m a mess compared to the ‘together’ people who need no more than two years to follow the process to it’s ‘end’. It has taken me a long time and literally blood sweat and tears to get where I am now. Can you imagine what a mess I was before?
Maybe it’s naive to think I can do this like anyone else, like the people who start out normal, with lives, with healthy, ripe ego’s, ready to fall from the trees. Maybe.
On the other hand, this is all I have been doing for half my life now, I have no other choice, this IS me. There’s no going back for me, no turning around. The choice has been made a long, long time ago and I’m charging forward like an unstoppable force of nature. It will happen, I was born for it.
So on one hand I’m a dishevelled mess with lots of fears, but on the other I’m like a fish in water with this. Is it possible to develop in this area while neglecting other areas of life?
I did get a little taste of almost everything. But little tastes were all I needed to know that wasn’t what I wanted. I’m just picky. I knew what I wanted from the start, that’s what I suspect. I knew what I wanted from this life and I got busy attaining it. I don’t see why else I would have chosen such a shit life for myself.
I wanted to get straight to the point. And along the way I did and do learn about all the other things in life. They’re just not a priority and never have been. They were and are important, but This is my priority.
So maybe it's possible after all. Even though I don’t take care of myself right now. The changes are happening fast lately. The ground work has been done in the past five years.
As I’ve said here before, the quiet moments are rare for me, but I’ve experienced four or five this year alone. Not much maybe, for you lucky people out there, but compare that to let’s say five in the past ten years and you’ll know why five in one year is a whole lot to me.
Well, I just can’t say where this period is going to end. Might just be in another period of nothingness being a depressed hermit. Might also be something entirely different. In my Father’s house are many dwelling places. Whatever that means. Just thought it appropriate.
***M.
posted by M. at 1:29 AM
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