Ex-pletive
Happened upon my ex in the street today; not My Ex (he lives in England), but my schizophrenic ex. I was mumbling "idiot" under my breath at some old fart who nearly ran me over with his car, when schizophrex called out to me.
That's how we usually meet; I'm in town shopping for groceries, he sees me, I try to pretend I didn't see him because I don't want any company, he yells my name, we have a nice routine going.
He was in some weird playful mood, with a mocking undertone of bitterness, which he wasn't trying to hide. He jabbed me with 'why don't you'-questions, which today were like a red flag on a bull to me.
You want to push my buttons; ask me 'why don't you'-questions, causing me to either withdraw and not speak to you for months or snap at you, which I did today. In a very reasonable manner of course, I'm not the person to say something nasty and hurtful to people who aren't My Ex or family. Even with them I've outgrown the expletives.
He was in a bad mood as well I'm guessing, because usually we get on okay, appreciating the fact that we're both the only real people we know in this godawful town. Today he was a real pain though, asking me how I was and when I truthfully (and already irritated with him) answered "Life's a bitch" he told me to either use drugs ("opium is great!") or stop whining, pointing out how attractive the wine bottles were laid out in the shop, even taking photographs of them. I nearly bit his head off. "I don't need remarks like that right now."
I didn't invite him, he tagged along, as always, why do you think I want to be alone? I don't want anyone near me. I don't want to talk to people I don't trust. If you don't want to hear the answer, don't ask me any questions, just f**k off and leave me alone. That's how I felt.
He's quite sensitive, so he must have picked up on it because he left thank God.
I don't feel bad about it, it was good to notice the anger surfacing as well, not just the fear.
We don't have to explain things like this to eachother, we both know where we stand and what's going on, sort of. Next time it will be like nothing happened.
Lot of difficulty breathing this evening. Tension in my chest, like something wants to come out but can't yet.
I feel a load of grief just lurking under the surface, a massive amount that could swallow me whole, suck me into a hole inside of me, a bottomless well, where I stuffed all the pain and hurt and tears I wasn't able/allowed to express when growing up.
On one hand it's scary, on the other; come on and let's get it over with. Sick of always being alone, even though I need to be. Still sleeping like a bear in winter, waking up around noon. Miss the support from the texting-contact I had with My Ex. Lonely. Tired.
That's how we usually meet; I'm in town shopping for groceries, he sees me, I try to pretend I didn't see him because I don't want any company, he yells my name, we have a nice routine going.
He was in some weird playful mood, with a mocking undertone of bitterness, which he wasn't trying to hide. He jabbed me with 'why don't you'-questions, which today were like a red flag on a bull to me.
You want to push my buttons; ask me 'why don't you'-questions, causing me to either withdraw and not speak to you for months or snap at you, which I did today. In a very reasonable manner of course, I'm not the person to say something nasty and hurtful to people who aren't My Ex or family. Even with them I've outgrown the expletives.
He was in a bad mood as well I'm guessing, because usually we get on okay, appreciating the fact that we're both the only real people we know in this godawful town. Today he was a real pain though, asking me how I was and when I truthfully (and already irritated with him) answered "Life's a bitch" he told me to either use drugs ("opium is great!") or stop whining, pointing out how attractive the wine bottles were laid out in the shop, even taking photographs of them. I nearly bit his head off. "I don't need remarks like that right now."
I didn't invite him, he tagged along, as always, why do you think I want to be alone? I don't want anyone near me. I don't want to talk to people I don't trust. If you don't want to hear the answer, don't ask me any questions, just f**k off and leave me alone. That's how I felt.
He's quite sensitive, so he must have picked up on it because he left thank God.
I don't feel bad about it, it was good to notice the anger surfacing as well, not just the fear.
We don't have to explain things like this to eachother, we both know where we stand and what's going on, sort of. Next time it will be like nothing happened.
Lot of difficulty breathing this evening. Tension in my chest, like something wants to come out but can't yet.
I feel a load of grief just lurking under the surface, a massive amount that could swallow me whole, suck me into a hole inside of me, a bottomless well, where I stuffed all the pain and hurt and tears I wasn't able/allowed to express when growing up.
On one hand it's scary, on the other; come on and let's get it over with. Sick of always being alone, even though I need to be. Still sleeping like a bear in winter, waking up around noon. Miss the support from the texting-contact I had with My Ex. Lonely. Tired.
posted by M. at 1:40 AM
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