Creatures

Just as I fired up my old trusty laptop the BBC announced the film for this evening; it was not the film my TV guide had said, it was The Interview with the Vampire. So now that’s on in the background and I just laughed. The first fifteen minutes have been so appropriate. Louis wants to die, Lestat is a vampire and accepts the invitation to kill him. Louis is made a vampire. Lestat, who created him, laughs when Louis goes through the tormenting change: “Your body is dying, pay no attention to it.” Then he has changed and Lestat tells him to “Look with your vampire eyes.” The world around him is still the same, but now he sees things in a different way, a new and wondrous way. He has to adjust to this new way of living and seeing.
Amazing. Life keeps amazing me with these funny little things.

So for two days already I’ve woken up without my jaws clamped together. That’s huge. They still hurt though, the pain radiates from my jaws, through my teeth and face, but things are definitely changing in my body as well.
This afternoon I felt as if I was releasing a Beast into town, I felt like a wild animal, leaving the house right after stirring up all kinds of emotions in my gut. There was a powerful energy in there; chaotic, wild, free. It was an intense and fiery day. Now I’ve calmed down and am once again a mild animal.
A lot of stress came out too, I had to walk it off, but that wasn’t enough. Panic raged through me and suddenly everything slightly resembling appointments and phone calls scared me to death.
- I’m very tired and might not write tonight. The vampires are too distracting as well.-
Something did happen during the walk though, things continued to stir and I was happy, angry, irritated, sad, insecure and enraged, all in the space of an hour and a half. So work goes on, when I don’t write. Nevertheless, I don’t feel good about it. I think I will make an effort to write twice tomorrow to make up for it, somehow fitting it in between volunteer’s work and my drool TV night (Hugh Laurie and Nathan Fillion).
Louis starts to think they are the only two vampires, and somehow, that’s a comforting thought to him, “For what could the damned really have to say to the damned?”
So much tension in my belly. Don’t know what to do with myself. Felt so scared all of a sudden, having to call my mother, having to go to my sister’s in three weeks or so, getting dragged back in, having to experience their fights, their mess, their blind groping and aggression. Oh I dread to think about it. I want to stay in, stay home, be alone, write, walk, watch TV. I want to say goodbye to all of this. I want to sever all bonds. Even the thought I might slow down scares me senseless. But that’s the panic talking.
Physiotherapist and I had a chat about how everything happens for a reason and I told him I had seen things in my life that should prove to me that there is no such thing as coincidence. Yet I am too small-minded to trust in the intelligence of the Mosaic. This must be my biggest and most important lesson at this point. The trust. Everything happens in the most perfect of ways without my trying to control things. It’s silly, really, how I still think I have influence over events unfolding. Still two parts to me; the one that trusts to such an extent I only take decisions based on what my intuition tells me, which is in accordance with the patterns, and the other part is Dozy; he likes TV and likes to think he can change his life whenever he feels like it. He’s the kid. Observer is the old woman, who knows about the workings of the universe. Fun combo.
But we all liked the movie tonight, and now it has ended, so we’re heading up to bed. To all, a good night.