Silver Girl

Just finished reading Spiritually Incorrect Enlightenment for the second or third time; next on the reading list is Spiritual Warfare for the second or third time. I think my reading list will be very short from now on. I can’t afford to lose any more time. There has always been this sense of urgency that I couldn’t explain, still now I don’t know where it comes from. It might be unimportant, at this point, I can’t tell yet. Leave it till later. There is another sense of urgency, but it pertains to me having to be, needing to be The Most Special Human Being Ever To Have Walked This Earth. Surprised the abbreviation doesn’t spell A.S.S.H.O.L.E. Am I that insecure? Is that the only way I can feel I have the right to exist and breathe air on this planet, to take up space? To be The Most Special et cetera? As a compensation for the money I am costing society? There are much bigger assholes than me walking this earth, who couldn’t care less about what they are costing anybody. Yeah, I’m jealous, alright, to just be whatever you want to be, whatever asshole you want to be at a certain point in time, not waiting for others to bestow this right to live on you but just being, being to such an extent no one can deny that you are, because you are taking up space in the most enormous way, maybe stealing, killing, bringing nations to their knees. Them bastards just Are. And I am jealous of them. They don’t even question, or don’t seem to question their undeniable right to live their lives how they see fit. The energy, the flame, the wildness of their ways, I wish I could be like that. Not the stealing, killing, bringing nations to their knees bit (although it does sound like a hoot), but the living relentlessly bit, not being confined to a prison of my own making, thinking everybody is watching me, just waiting for me to do the tiniest thing wrong so they can jump to the opportunity and JUDGE me like there’s no tomorrow.
So, what is happening here? Do I not deserve to live? To be alive? Take up space? I’m so good at being invisible it’s very hard to make myself visible again. Do I want to be invisible? Yeah, that’s safer. Why safer? When they don’t see you they can’t tell you you’re not supposed to be here. You’re not supposed to BE. They will, you know, when they see you, they will tell you there is no room for you here, that you were a mistake which needs to be corrected. Mankind’s mistake. I shouldn’t be here, I wasn’t supposed to be here, I’m all wrong. I’m a mistake. I’m scared people will find out I’m a mistake so I can’t let them near me and discover what’s behind the façade of a human face: an error. Then who made that mistake? Who made you? It just happened, I wasn’t supposed to come out like this! How were you supposed to come out? Like someone who belongs. And you don’t belong? NO! OF COURSE NOT! LOOK AT ME!! I’M A FAILURE! I’m breathing air someone else could have been breathing, I am taking up space that someone else could have put to better use. It’s to my advantage that most people are sound asleep because if they weren’t they would make me disappear. As in kill you? No, I’m not worth that much trouble. They would kick me out on the street, take away the money being spent on me and dismiss me altogether, wouldn’t look back, forget me instantly and get on with their lives, mistake corrected. Balance restored.

So I’m trying to work hard at becoming something special, before they notice, so maybe when they do notice me, I had a head start and maybe around that time I will have become good enough, and they will forget or consciously overlook the fact that I was a mistake and let me be, let me breathe, let me take up a little bit of space somewhere where I don’t bother anybody. Where I won’t do harm by merely existing. I am only good enough when I’m not me.

So I’m trying to become something else, I’m trying to change into someone who’s good enough to live, who will get away with breathing, occupying space. As long as it is not me. Everybody belongs but me. And so I try to turn it around and be the most speciallest person ever, to compensate for my existence, to balance out the damage I’ve done by being here where I shouldn’t have. I can’t have too many friends you know, that’s too dangerous, what if they would all find out simultaneously? I’d be lost, completely utterly lost, abandoned, despised, cast aside. I’m scared to go to training because they think I am like them, I look like them and most of the time I manage to act like them but for me it is literally acting. What if they would see behind the front I’m putting up? What if they would see the terrible mess I am in? Yes, what if they would? What would happen to you? They’d dismiss me. How awful would that be, would that really be as terrible as you think? Well… at first yeah, cos it would really hurt and they would throw rocks at me like those kids did and cast me out of the group. Maybe later I could live alone somewhere, I don’t know. I’m confused. Why do you feel such pain when writing all this? Why does your belly hurt? Because I feel like a wounded animal, trapped and cornered. This light you’re shining on things is a friendly light, it won’t condemn, it’s you who is illuminating that dark little corner of your world, don’t be scared, let it shine and bring forth the malady and scars and scariest corners of your existence. Trust your light if you don’t trust anything else. Relax into it. It’s okay. I’m scared. Yes, I know. It’s okay. Do you really, honestly believe you are such a vile and horrible person? Well I must be. Why? Because of the things I did. I don’t know what exactly, because there was always something wrong, even when I didn’t understand what I had done wrong, so I just took it as a sign that I myself was wrong. “Was”, did you notice that just now? Past tense. Yeah… it hurts. Could you maybe consider the thought that maybe you were not a mistake? That in fact, maybe you were meant to do something special with your wounds and your life? There is a purpose for you, and it awaits you, and you can meet it when you are okay within your body and your mind with being alive and being you, as you are now, as you were then. You don’t have to become the speciallest person alive ever to matter, you know. You matter because Life saw fit to bring you into this world, and Life assigned some parents and other facilitators because there was work to do. Those events did not happen because you ‘deserved’ them because of your innate evilness. You are not a mistake, how could Life make a mistake? Silly girl. You are as much a part of the plan as every other being on this earth and other regions. No matter how or who you are. If you started robbing the elderly you’d still be of the same importance as when you’d perform all the heroic deeds you ever fantasized about; no need to rescue toddlers from an icy river’s torrents, no need to dispense live-saving advice. No need. You’re a perfect piece of the puzzle just the way you are. If you want to go Further, make very, very clear to yourself why you would want to do such a thing. I just want to know what’s true, that’s all. You could hang around and see what living is like when you feel you have every right, maybe you’d enjoy it. Maybe, yeah. I suppose you’re right. But this feels good, this feels right, for now. So I’ll just keep going for now. Life’s alright with me, no matter how I am? Yes. It doesn’t matter what you do. It does matter why you do it. So be sure.
Don’t miss out on anything by rushing it.
“Sail on Silver Girl, sail on by.
Your time has come to shine, all your dreams are on their way.”
First thing I hear when I turn on the radio. From "Bridge over Troubled Waters". Thank you, Life.