Claws & Jaws 'R' Us
The jaws of life, and then the opposite. A Super Duper Death Clench. That’s what I wake up with every morning. I hardly even notice it anymore because it has been like this for most of my life, as far as I can remember anyway. I don’t grit my teeth, I just keep my jaws clenched as if holding onto dear life. Literally, like a pit-bull. So, what’s up with that?
I’ve been reading a bit first, in Spiritual Warfare, and listening to the radio, and preparing myself mentally for writing this bit, on this particular subject. There was stuff going on in my body, so there is definitely something to write about.
Why are my jaws so painfully clenched together every morning? It still hurts and I’ve been awake for three hours when writing this. Why am I clamping my jaws shut in my sleep? Am I keeping something out or keeping something inside? Keeping something inside. What? Rage. Unadulterated rage. Foaming at the mouth rage. What would happen if you would not clench your jaws in your sleep? What would happen in your sleep? In my sleep? I don’t know. It’s something that happens subconsciously, I don’t know why it should happen when I’m not even ‘there’. I can’t very well scream in my sleep, can I. Is that what you want to do? Scream? I guess so. Describe what would happen if you let go of the clamping thing, let out and let in. I’d let out. I’d scream. I’d scream. Scream. Scream. And scream and there would be no end to the screaming, I wouldn’t be able to stop, I’d go on screaming till I lost my mind and went insane. Where does the screaming come from? It doesn’t originate in your jaws, so where would it come from if you screamed like that? From my belly. Ah. What’s down there? Incredible hurt. Indescribable pain. Life’s agony. Total despair. Darkness. Maddening despair and darkness and insanity lurking around the corner. Can you take a look? It’s an abyss. It’s deep and dark and scares me shitless. There’s no life there, nothing can survive there, there are claws reaching up, trying to grab me. What would those claws do if they got hold of you? Tear me apart. They’d grab hold of my legs and tear me in two. Rip me open, rip me in half. Can you reach for one of the claws now? Take hold of a claw down there and pull it up out of the darkness. Do you recognize that claw? Does it belong to anybody you know? I think it’s mine… Pull it up, examine it. Oh my god, it’s not a claw. It’s a small hand with grey fingers clawing for sanity, it’s a child’s desperate groping hands. Oh god. Yes. Cry. Okay. Why is the child in that abyss? What is it doing there? It’s been left there. To fend for itself. It’s dark and grey and looks like a cave. She’s alone with the rocky walls and ceiling, her body is grey too, dusty and thin. So is she trying to claw her way out of there? Maybe, yes. Maybe. Why maybe? Well it might also be safer in there. It’s a very confined place, like a womb, nothing can reach her. But she’s still trying to claw her way out of there, and you are also leaving her to fend for herself. I… Yes. Yes I am. Pull her out of there, she’s a child. She needs nurturing. She’s wild, I can see it in her eyes. Well how would you feel if you’d been trapped down there for over three decades? Ok, yeah. Yeah. Grab hold of her and don’t let her go. Look her in the eyes and tell her everything will be alright, it’s going to be alright. Yes. Hold her. Let her kick her legs, she’s scared, just keep holding her and telling her everything will be okay from now on, she is safe with you, safe in your arms, and she can relax now. Just hold her, make her feel safe. Okay, okay, doing that. Reach out with warmth. Open up, else there is nowhere for her to go, open up a space for her in your arms, your chest. Hold her, care for her. Poor kid, she was all grey! Groping for humanity.
Hey. You’re me. Hi. She’s so thin. Like a wild animal. But she’s changing. Growing older. She’s changing into me, my mirror image. Not completely but I can see it. Give it time, give her time to adjust. Stay open to her. Welcome her. Welcome home.
I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for leaving you down there. I thought you were a monster. You were just a little girl. You were me. I’m so, so sorry. It’s okay now. We’re together. I’ll hold you, I’ll hold you. Shhh.. I love you. I’m going to keep you close. It’s okay now. I will let no one hurt you anymore. You’re safe. You are safe now. I am here.
I’ve been reading a bit first, in Spiritual Warfare, and listening to the radio, and preparing myself mentally for writing this bit, on this particular subject. There was stuff going on in my body, so there is definitely something to write about.
Why are my jaws so painfully clenched together every morning? It still hurts and I’ve been awake for three hours when writing this. Why am I clamping my jaws shut in my sleep? Am I keeping something out or keeping something inside? Keeping something inside. What? Rage. Unadulterated rage. Foaming at the mouth rage. What would happen if you would not clench your jaws in your sleep? What would happen in your sleep? In my sleep? I don’t know. It’s something that happens subconsciously, I don’t know why it should happen when I’m not even ‘there’. I can’t very well scream in my sleep, can I. Is that what you want to do? Scream? I guess so. Describe what would happen if you let go of the clamping thing, let out and let in. I’d let out. I’d scream. I’d scream. Scream. Scream. And scream and there would be no end to the screaming, I wouldn’t be able to stop, I’d go on screaming till I lost my mind and went insane. Where does the screaming come from? It doesn’t originate in your jaws, so where would it come from if you screamed like that? From my belly. Ah. What’s down there? Incredible hurt. Indescribable pain. Life’s agony. Total despair. Darkness. Maddening despair and darkness and insanity lurking around the corner. Can you take a look? It’s an abyss. It’s deep and dark and scares me shitless. There’s no life there, nothing can survive there, there are claws reaching up, trying to grab me. What would those claws do if they got hold of you? Tear me apart. They’d grab hold of my legs and tear me in two. Rip me open, rip me in half. Can you reach for one of the claws now? Take hold of a claw down there and pull it up out of the darkness. Do you recognize that claw? Does it belong to anybody you know? I think it’s mine… Pull it up, examine it. Oh my god, it’s not a claw. It’s a small hand with grey fingers clawing for sanity, it’s a child’s desperate groping hands. Oh god. Yes. Cry. Okay. Why is the child in that abyss? What is it doing there? It’s been left there. To fend for itself. It’s dark and grey and looks like a cave. She’s alone with the rocky walls and ceiling, her body is grey too, dusty and thin. So is she trying to claw her way out of there? Maybe, yes. Maybe. Why maybe? Well it might also be safer in there. It’s a very confined place, like a womb, nothing can reach her. But she’s still trying to claw her way out of there, and you are also leaving her to fend for herself. I… Yes. Yes I am. Pull her out of there, she’s a child. She needs nurturing. She’s wild, I can see it in her eyes. Well how would you feel if you’d been trapped down there for over three decades? Ok, yeah. Yeah. Grab hold of her and don’t let her go. Look her in the eyes and tell her everything will be alright, it’s going to be alright. Yes. Hold her. Let her kick her legs, she’s scared, just keep holding her and telling her everything will be okay from now on, she is safe with you, safe in your arms, and she can relax now. Just hold her, make her feel safe. Okay, okay, doing that. Reach out with warmth. Open up, else there is nowhere for her to go, open up a space for her in your arms, your chest. Hold her, care for her. Poor kid, she was all grey! Groping for humanity.
Hey. You’re me. Hi. She’s so thin. Like a wild animal. But she’s changing. Growing older. She’s changing into me, my mirror image. Not completely but I can see it. Give it time, give her time to adjust. Stay open to her. Welcome her. Welcome home.
I’m sorry. I’m so sorry for leaving you down there. I thought you were a monster. You were just a little girl. You were me. I’m so, so sorry. It’s okay now. We’re together. I’ll hold you, I’ll hold you. Shhh.. I love you. I’m going to keep you close. It’s okay now. I will let no one hurt you anymore. You’re safe. You are safe now. I am here.
posted by M. at 3:53 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home