The Mosaic

That was a big thing this afternoon. I feel it working inside me.
This is not something that’s fixed in one day, or maybe it is, but it is going to take time to process the changes. It’s huge though, I can feel it, felt it all through the day. A gentle hurt in my chest.
And now I just ate six mini KitKats and once again postponed going to training even though I planned on it. But I did feel a lot less indignation when I sent my Ex a sensitive text and got a superficial response. I’d sent the text with only the slightest amount of strings, nearly none, so progress is being made.

I don’t know what to write about right now, but as I often do with columns, I’ll just write until I happen on something, like automatic writing, or big fat coincidence, I don’t care. Aha. Coincidence. That falls under the same heading as serendipity. Serendipity, coincidence, destiny, fate, signs, the illusion of free will combined with Life’s master plan.
Even though I’m not pissed off anymore by the discovery that there is no such thing as free will, I’m still a bit apprehensive about it at times. And writing here I found out I don’t have complete trust in Life’s plan yet. Not yet. A lot of things have happened in my life, to do with signs and patterns and extreme ’coincidences’ I just couldn’t write off as coincidences. A part of me suspects the grand scheme of things, a part of me has experienced it first hand, how things have a tendency to come together in the smoothest of ways, such as no human could have orchestrated. I’ve seen it, I’ve experienced it, yet I don’t believe in it a hundred percent.
Mm. I can be more specific than that. In sleepy times I don’t believe in it much, but I don’t give much thought to anything beyond TV and KitKats when Dozy rules the day. It’s mostly in times of great upheaval and major changes that I can see it working all around me, for me, making everything fall into place like a beautifully choreographed dance. That’s when it’s most clear.
So maybe that’s why I’m having difficulty seeing it at this point. I’ve been in the same place for five years now. I mean the house, the town, the circumstances. I don’t mean myself because things certainly have changed. These past five years have been about old fears rising up to the surface, dissipating by my feeling them and dealing with them. There’s a reason I am living in a dead end street, that did not go unnoticed by me.
I’d like to trust more. Trust and let go. I saw a plan when it mattered, when I needed most to see it, so I’d have the courage to go with the flow of things. Now it eludes me. That doesn’t mean it’s not there though, it just means I don’t see it working behind the scenes. Why? I’m still acting out of fear. Distrust. Why do I distrust Life? Because it hit me hard, when I expected it the least. I didn’t see it coming and therefore was shocked and disappointed, and felt betrayed. I felt betrayed. After having been betrayed by family and strangers I retreated fast, back into myself. No room for trust, too much hurt taking up space.
So maybe when this claws & jaws project runs it’s course, there will be less pain, hurt, fear and disappointment with life. Maybe that will create a space where trust can flow, I do suspect it’s my natural state of being. Trusting, leaving life to Life. ‘Releasing the tiller’.
I want to. What's holding you back right now? Scared. Of what? Putting my ass on the line and then having it blow up in my face. Because of what other people might think? Yes. Look at her, she put all her eggs in one basket, and now she has nothing to show for. What a failure. What a pathetic, gullible little girl. She has nothing, she is nothing. Why do you care so much about what others might think, when you feel in your heart this is the road for you? I still fear I might be betrayed and people will make fun of me. That it was all an elaborate joke at my expense. That's your fear talking. Look into your heart, let it speak up, what does it say? What does your heart say, M?
Let go, everything's okay, everything is more than okay, it's perfect and nothing should be changed. The world is a brilliant place and each and every person is a brilliant, radiant piece of the puzzle. There is harmony beneath the surface of this exquisite Mosaic. Nothing I do could alter or lessen the perfect design, everything I do is in accordance to the plan, I just don't see it yet, I don't have the eyes to see, but I see with my heart. Why else would I have dedicated my life to this process? Can you trust? Really, can you get yourself to trust? It is vital that you do in this particular part of the process. Dare you put your life in the hands of Life? Trust in a higher force, trust in the intricate design you've seen work it's magic many, many times? You're a lucky girl, you know, not everybody gets to see the things you've seen.
Yes, that's true. That's certainly true. I use the encounters I had to remind myself of that; like the chain smoking angel telling me I was almost Home. Yes. But now let your heart tell you, let your intuition tell you, let your trust override the fear. The fear is holding you back at this point. Grant yourself the huge benefits of trusting Life to take care of your affairs, let Life worry about the details, everything is already set in place, save yourself the energy. Use the energy for this process and let Life worry about the rest. Take your rightful place.
Okay. Okay, I will. Yes, I will, it's happening as we speak. Thank you. I am lucky, I am. I probably don't even realize how very lucky I am. I will some day.

"It's human nature to want to know what's on the other side."
Spoken by a character in "Defying gravity". Hahaha! Delightful.