Big Boss
Trying to influence someone, out of the best intentions (paving a road to a certain tropical place with those), with a suggestion that holds a tiny knife hidden behind it’s back. Mean, in order to make someone do something that’s better for their health or the quality of their daily life. I’ve seen myself do it, and more often than not could not stop myself because I felt responsible, and if I wouldn’t they would ruin themselves and others around them. Wow. Behold the arrogance. Imagine that. Without my incredible wisdom (sound familiar?) they would be helpless children. Which, of course, they are, but so am I. When oh when did it help me. When did it help me, make me feel supported or inspired to improve my life when a certain person gave me some well-intentioned ‘advice’, with the underlying suggestion I was a screw-up and wasn’t going anywhere with my life in the direction I was heading in. Did that help me? It helped me, alright, in the complete opposite direction. And now I’m doing it. Worried about someone, I stab them with my clever remarks, as if the pain will get them going. So, that’s my father. That’s not me. I’m doing it, but it’s not me. I don’t want it to be.
Beneath it is…grudge. How can they mess up like that and make me look bad. How can they not do as I say, when it is so obvious that I am right. I’m always right you see, because I know best. I am best. I’m highly elevated above everyone else in my family, or in the world for that matter. I’m far superior. Look at how stupid they are, so completely in denial about their addictions, messing up their kids and themselves and the world. How can they not do as I say? Everything would run so much more smoothly if everyone would just get in line and do as I say. I should run their lives, I should be making their decisions. Their lives are my responsibility. I rule the world, I am master, I am king, I rule supreme. I take over people’s responsibility for their lives because they are stupid children and they don’t know where they are going, they need me to tell them where they are going and how they are going there, and if they don’t do as I say, they do the wrong thing and I will punish them for it with mean stabbing commentary, to make them feel inadequate and inferior, which of course they are. They cannot handle their lives themselves and should rely on my wisdom and knowledge. They should realize by now I’m so much cleverer than them and I can see where they are going and they can’t, blinded by greed, addictions, anger and resentment. They should just hand over their lives to me, so everybody can rest easy again, knowing everything will be fine.
So, not just my father, but my mother’s ex-boyfriend as well. The ‘I’m worthless and inferior, so develop delusions of superiority to balance things out'-shtick. The roots go deep, I can feel it. How did it feel when it was done onto me? Made me feel small, insignificant, brushed aside like an insect, a mere fly. Not worth time, effort, attention, support. Brushed aside. Not mattering. Judged to be incapable of living my own life. Dismissed. Put on the bench. Sent away to stand in the corner facing the wall like a bad little girl, while the people who knew better made decisions about my life.
I consider this to be serious scrutiny, and maybe I’m being impatient (and I never ever am impatient, how dare you accuse me) but it doesn’t feel like it’s unravelling. So is there more beneath the surface or should I give it some time? Observer? What do you say? Enough for now, leave it til later, it might be something else that’s poking you.
I’m scared that without this process I am nobody. If I didn’t ‘have’ this, I would be a complete failure.
So that’s in the line of the same subject of inferiority.
And what would be so terrible about that? Oh my god. This is my life. I have the right to complete failure if that’s what I wanted. I have the right to do anything with my life. Anything I want to. Nobody can take that away from me, no-one has that right. My life is my responsibility and mine alone. I know best when it comes to my life. I reign supreme, when it comes to my life. I am king and queen, in my life. It’s mine to ruin and destroy, it’s mine to elevate and unravel at any given time. This life was given to me, it was put into my hands and into no-one else’s. Nobody has the slightest bit of influence over me. I am Me. I am boss. The Big Boss of my life. I sit in the director’s chair with a big fat cigar in my mouth, stroking a cat, mumbling orders. I can’t be touched.
Thank you, Observer, I trust you with my life.
Beneath it is…grudge. How can they mess up like that and make me look bad. How can they not do as I say, when it is so obvious that I am right. I’m always right you see, because I know best. I am best. I’m highly elevated above everyone else in my family, or in the world for that matter. I’m far superior. Look at how stupid they are, so completely in denial about their addictions, messing up their kids and themselves and the world. How can they not do as I say? Everything would run so much more smoothly if everyone would just get in line and do as I say. I should run their lives, I should be making their decisions. Their lives are my responsibility. I rule the world, I am master, I am king, I rule supreme. I take over people’s responsibility for their lives because they are stupid children and they don’t know where they are going, they need me to tell them where they are going and how they are going there, and if they don’t do as I say, they do the wrong thing and I will punish them for it with mean stabbing commentary, to make them feel inadequate and inferior, which of course they are. They cannot handle their lives themselves and should rely on my wisdom and knowledge. They should realize by now I’m so much cleverer than them and I can see where they are going and they can’t, blinded by greed, addictions, anger and resentment. They should just hand over their lives to me, so everybody can rest easy again, knowing everything will be fine.
So, not just my father, but my mother’s ex-boyfriend as well. The ‘I’m worthless and inferior, so develop delusions of superiority to balance things out'-shtick. The roots go deep, I can feel it. How did it feel when it was done onto me? Made me feel small, insignificant, brushed aside like an insect, a mere fly. Not worth time, effort, attention, support. Brushed aside. Not mattering. Judged to be incapable of living my own life. Dismissed. Put on the bench. Sent away to stand in the corner facing the wall like a bad little girl, while the people who knew better made decisions about my life.
I consider this to be serious scrutiny, and maybe I’m being impatient (and I never ever am impatient, how dare you accuse me) but it doesn’t feel like it’s unravelling. So is there more beneath the surface or should I give it some time? Observer? What do you say? Enough for now, leave it til later, it might be something else that’s poking you.
I’m scared that without this process I am nobody. If I didn’t ‘have’ this, I would be a complete failure.
So that’s in the line of the same subject of inferiority.
And what would be so terrible about that? Oh my god. This is my life. I have the right to complete failure if that’s what I wanted. I have the right to do anything with my life. Anything I want to. Nobody can take that away from me, no-one has that right. My life is my responsibility and mine alone. I know best when it comes to my life. I reign supreme, when it comes to my life. I am king and queen, in my life. It’s mine to ruin and destroy, it’s mine to elevate and unravel at any given time. This life was given to me, it was put into my hands and into no-one else’s. Nobody has the slightest bit of influence over me. I am Me. I am boss. The Big Boss of my life. I sit in the director’s chair with a big fat cigar in my mouth, stroking a cat, mumbling orders. I can’t be touched.
Thank you, Observer, I trust you with my life.
posted by M. at 5:31 PM
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