Cornered
I'm still messed up so I can't think straight and maybe shouldn't make any decisions yet, but I wonder nonetheless; should I cut off all other contacts starting January 1st, except the volunteer's work? For let's say two months, would that be better for this process?
At the volunteer's work I arranged it so that I'm now only doing what I want to do, what I like to do, and when my back starts hurting I can leave. The work I do now can be done by someone else. They like me there but I don't have to be there if I really can't. And it's up to me to decide when I absolutely can't. So there's freedom there.
I'll see my sister and her family at christmas, maybe, but I'm staying at my mother's place. More space, more quiet, less (obvious) negativity. There's the guilt trips, but I recognize them and can be firm to her. I can read, walk, do my own thing. Probably won't be able to write online, but I'll have my trusty phone. Other than this visit, I can get away with not going to their side of the country for two months; it's my birthday in March.
Sports. I told them I'd be back in January and naturally I'm already consumed with fear and anxiety about 'having to' go. Fuck man. That's apparently the big issue lately, pressure, having to do things, making myself having to do things, I can't let myself forget it's me who forces me to do things. Who makes me think I have to do this, have to do that. I don't have to do anything. I'm just afraid of the hassle. NO. I'm afraid they will condemn me.
Same goes for my friends. Well, for the blue skies friend. He reminds me of my father. Yuck. He makes me feel (I make me feel) like I'm being interrogated and judged and he's focusing on my flaws. And he means well. Double yuck. He's a good guy and I keep postponing seeing him.
Is it that difficult to go see him because of all the postponing, or am I at this point not meant to see him, to spend time doing something I maybe don't want to do? No. Not maybe. I don't want to be with him at this point and that makes me feel bad as well. Makes me feel sick actually. Why such a strong physical reaction? I feel pushed into a corner when I'm with him. I feel obligated to go see him. Oh god.
I can't even bring myself to write him an email. Maybe tomorrow. I feel crap today. "Do not act when feeling like crap." One of the most useful lessons I've learned in my life.
It does seem to come down to things I have to do lately. To have to. To be pushed, forced, pressured into things I don't want. Sounds familiar. But I'm the one forcing myself. Because I can't stand the thought of telling people "no, I don't want that anymore", "why? Because. I don't need to explain myself to you." Oooo, if only.
No pressure, M. Just see it the way it is, recognize it. Observe. You keep pushing yourself into corners, then panicking trying to get out of them.
What if I saw this guy and my best friend and then took a two month break from sports, friends, family? Would that be beneficial? I'll let that simmer for a while. I do like my space.
The question is if all that pressure is not in fact speeding the process along, like my neighbour, Satan's spawn, whose ever agressive behaviour is keeping me on my toes. Tough one. I'm in a pressure cooker and there's a lot to say for that as well. So. I don't know right now. I'll sleep on it. I hope. Rage has diminished, but is still present, burning under the surface like a steady forest fire.
I hope I will be incinerated.
At the volunteer's work I arranged it so that I'm now only doing what I want to do, what I like to do, and when my back starts hurting I can leave. The work I do now can be done by someone else. They like me there but I don't have to be there if I really can't. And it's up to me to decide when I absolutely can't. So there's freedom there.
I'll see my sister and her family at christmas, maybe, but I'm staying at my mother's place. More space, more quiet, less (obvious) negativity. There's the guilt trips, but I recognize them and can be firm to her. I can read, walk, do my own thing. Probably won't be able to write online, but I'll have my trusty phone. Other than this visit, I can get away with not going to their side of the country for two months; it's my birthday in March.
Sports. I told them I'd be back in January and naturally I'm already consumed with fear and anxiety about 'having to' go. Fuck man. That's apparently the big issue lately, pressure, having to do things, making myself having to do things, I can't let myself forget it's me who forces me to do things. Who makes me think I have to do this, have to do that. I don't have to do anything. I'm just afraid of the hassle. NO. I'm afraid they will condemn me.
Same goes for my friends. Well, for the blue skies friend. He reminds me of my father. Yuck. He makes me feel (I make me feel) like I'm being interrogated and judged and he's focusing on my flaws. And he means well. Double yuck. He's a good guy and I keep postponing seeing him.
Is it that difficult to go see him because of all the postponing, or am I at this point not meant to see him, to spend time doing something I maybe don't want to do? No. Not maybe. I don't want to be with him at this point and that makes me feel bad as well. Makes me feel sick actually. Why such a strong physical reaction? I feel pushed into a corner when I'm with him. I feel obligated to go see him. Oh god.
I can't even bring myself to write him an email. Maybe tomorrow. I feel crap today. "Do not act when feeling like crap." One of the most useful lessons I've learned in my life.
It does seem to come down to things I have to do lately. To have to. To be pushed, forced, pressured into things I don't want. Sounds familiar. But I'm the one forcing myself. Because I can't stand the thought of telling people "no, I don't want that anymore", "why? Because. I don't need to explain myself to you." Oooo, if only.
No pressure, M. Just see it the way it is, recognize it. Observe. You keep pushing yourself into corners, then panicking trying to get out of them.
What if I saw this guy and my best friend and then took a two month break from sports, friends, family? Would that be beneficial? I'll let that simmer for a while. I do like my space.
The question is if all that pressure is not in fact speeding the process along, like my neighbour, Satan's spawn, whose ever agressive behaviour is keeping me on my toes. Tough one. I'm in a pressure cooker and there's a lot to say for that as well. So. I don't know right now. I'll sleep on it. I hope. Rage has diminished, but is still present, burning under the surface like a steady forest fire.
I hope I will be incinerated.
posted by M. at 1:22 AM
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