Phone notes V
"Psychologist was the second one to use the word vulnerable to describe me. Fragile, vulnerable. Second one since I opened up to the sympathetic guy at social security, and was upfront about my 'mental state'. Was hard to admit to him that I wasn't going to be in a regular job any time soon - never in fact, but he doesn't have to know that.
I didn't tell him my only goal in life is waking up, which makes me eternally unsuitable for a 'regular job'.
Psychologist asked me straight whether I considered myself able to ever function in a regular job. I gave her a bunch of "I'm great at adapting, wouldn't be as scared as I used to, people seem to like me, blablabla" but what it comes down to is I'm not regular so I'm not going to fit the square hole. To come out and say it though is a whole other thing, especially to people who have financial power over me. Not that I would change any decisions because of it. Did admit to her that I can't work in a team, I need space and a person I can trust, and part time is probably the highest attainable thing for me (regular job wise). I don't mind though, I can live cheap. When I'm left alone, have space, no pressure whatsoever, I flourish.
Starting to realize it's not just a character flaw not liking to be with people cos that's not changing along with me changing. Told her if I had a boatload of cash in my bank account I'd be dubbed eccentric, not weird."
"I had a dream and when I thought about it during my walk, it suddenly came to me what it meant and I laughed out loud. If I can let go of my shit (the dream was very specific, haha!), there's a beautiful, spacious, playful and sunny world waiting for me out there."
"So sick and tired of all this, of all of it, I feel physically sick, nauseous, sick sick sick of this shit. So sick I could cry. Sick of that too."
"In a ROTTEN mood. Was seething with rage earlier today, for no particular reason. So furious I was boiling inside and tears tried to come out but I wouldn't let them in public. Made me feel even more awful and enraged. Was at the volunteer's work breathing fire, pissing battery acid. Right now I'm feeling so bad I'm beyond tears."
Good. Rage is progress for me. Rage means change. Rage also means I won't be able to fall asleep before 3 am yet again. Aw fuck it. Was so done with it today. Sick of 'having to'. Sick, sick, sick.
I didn't tell him my only goal in life is waking up, which makes me eternally unsuitable for a 'regular job'.
Psychologist asked me straight whether I considered myself able to ever function in a regular job. I gave her a bunch of "I'm great at adapting, wouldn't be as scared as I used to, people seem to like me, blablabla" but what it comes down to is I'm not regular so I'm not going to fit the square hole. To come out and say it though is a whole other thing, especially to people who have financial power over me. Not that I would change any decisions because of it. Did admit to her that I can't work in a team, I need space and a person I can trust, and part time is probably the highest attainable thing for me (regular job wise). I don't mind though, I can live cheap. When I'm left alone, have space, no pressure whatsoever, I flourish.
Starting to realize it's not just a character flaw not liking to be with people cos that's not changing along with me changing. Told her if I had a boatload of cash in my bank account I'd be dubbed eccentric, not weird."
"I had a dream and when I thought about it during my walk, it suddenly came to me what it meant and I laughed out loud. If I can let go of my shit (the dream was very specific, haha!), there's a beautiful, spacious, playful and sunny world waiting for me out there."
"So sick and tired of all this, of all of it, I feel physically sick, nauseous, sick sick sick of this shit. So sick I could cry. Sick of that too."
"In a ROTTEN mood. Was seething with rage earlier today, for no particular reason. So furious I was boiling inside and tears tried to come out but I wouldn't let them in public. Made me feel even more awful and enraged. Was at the volunteer's work breathing fire, pissing battery acid. Right now I'm feeling so bad I'm beyond tears."
Good. Rage is progress for me. Rage means change. Rage also means I won't be able to fall asleep before 3 am yet again. Aw fuck it. Was so done with it today. Sick of 'having to'. Sick, sick, sick.
posted by M. at 11:41 PM
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