Layers
Like drilling for oil, striking ever new layers of rock or quicksand. I’ve come to an even deeper layer of fear today, and it’s now giving way to grief, sorrow, some sort of general sadness. I’m crying with every sad or beautiful song on the radio, gladly giving in to it because I have to go be with my family again the day after tomorrow. Was hard to keep my tears locked up at volunteer’s work.
I was thinking of not going there for a while. I’ve canceled sports until January and I might cancel the volunteer’s work til then as well. If it wasn’t for all the family stuff these months I’d have a free calendar, free to do some serious work. But it’s rolling on like a rock down the side of a mountain anyway. I’d just prefer not to be in a state like this when with my family. It makes me very vulnerable for comments and aggression. Sure I’ll get over it, but I prefer not having to. There’s a lot of thunder and lightning outside, but it doesn’t do much to improve my ‘mood’. Nor should I wish it did I guess. Ugh. I want my clarity back. It feels like I’m grieving for something without knowing what it is I’ve lost. Or am losing.
My eyes are bloodshot, my gums are red and swollen, my health seems to be less good these days. I’m getting fat again as well. Headaches, pain in neck and shoulders, and other things I prefer not to mention. And it’s not the food, cos I’m eating quite healthy, if not too much.
Mh. Did I lose the hang of this, or is it just the way things are at the moment? Should I keep writing or is it better to leave it at this for now? It doesn’t feel like it’s doing any good. Where’s my wise voice? Where’s my advisor? I don’t hear anything. God this is hard. I don’t even know how I feel. I want to say I feel lost, but it’s not exactly that, because I may not know where I’m going, but I do know where I’m moving away from, I can sort of sense where I am, and this is all part of it. It’s just… oh hell, why describe my feelings anyway, what’s the point. At the moment the grief is deepening, and it has nothing to do with any deaths in the family. Well maybe mine. Maybe I’m being shaken loose from the tendons, cables, wires, roots that have been holding me captive in my imaginary life. Ties to falseness.
I can’t think straight, words elude me. Like having a concussion without the actual head-crashing into something bricky.
Mmh, I just realized that I’m not feeling lonely anymore lately. I might feel sorrow and sadness, I might cry my eyes out, I might be very angry or frightened, but I’m not lonely anymore. What’s up with that? I’m becoming more… integrated? No puking please. I’m becoming a whole instead of all these different layers of personality, is that a correct way of saying it? Yes, I think so. It’s all me now. Maybe that’s what it is. I’m not a bunch of different voices anymore, I’m a whole, I am one voice. Becoming anyway. And… cue tears. Yeah maybe that’s it. Because still, my eyes might be welling up with tears, I might feel pain and sorrow, but in the supermarket I still got treated differently than usual; with respect. My voice is steady, not as wobbly as I feel. So even in my desperate moments I’m gaining strength, losing complexity. Things are gaining simplicity. Maybe I’m losing those structures of falseness.
It’s not possible not to do this. I’m glad I’m still sure of that, that’s my one security; I am doing the only worthwhile thing, it’s difficult, but not as gruesomely hard as a few years ago, and not as horrific as fifteen years ago. It does get easier. But this is coming from someone who doesn’t know what it’s like to have an easy life, so beware. Easier in my book means less horrible, less gut-wrenchingly scary, less sanity endangering lonely. I’m on my road and nothing can get me off it except death and I hope death will wait until I’m gone. I don’t want to come back and start this thing all over again. God no.
Not feeling well. Bit feverish.
I was thinking of not going there for a while. I’ve canceled sports until January and I might cancel the volunteer’s work til then as well. If it wasn’t for all the family stuff these months I’d have a free calendar, free to do some serious work. But it’s rolling on like a rock down the side of a mountain anyway. I’d just prefer not to be in a state like this when with my family. It makes me very vulnerable for comments and aggression. Sure I’ll get over it, but I prefer not having to. There’s a lot of thunder and lightning outside, but it doesn’t do much to improve my ‘mood’. Nor should I wish it did I guess. Ugh. I want my clarity back. It feels like I’m grieving for something without knowing what it is I’ve lost. Or am losing.
My eyes are bloodshot, my gums are red and swollen, my health seems to be less good these days. I’m getting fat again as well. Headaches, pain in neck and shoulders, and other things I prefer not to mention. And it’s not the food, cos I’m eating quite healthy, if not too much.
Mh. Did I lose the hang of this, or is it just the way things are at the moment? Should I keep writing or is it better to leave it at this for now? It doesn’t feel like it’s doing any good. Where’s my wise voice? Where’s my advisor? I don’t hear anything. God this is hard. I don’t even know how I feel. I want to say I feel lost, but it’s not exactly that, because I may not know where I’m going, but I do know where I’m moving away from, I can sort of sense where I am, and this is all part of it. It’s just… oh hell, why describe my feelings anyway, what’s the point. At the moment the grief is deepening, and it has nothing to do with any deaths in the family. Well maybe mine. Maybe I’m being shaken loose from the tendons, cables, wires, roots that have been holding me captive in my imaginary life. Ties to falseness.
I can’t think straight, words elude me. Like having a concussion without the actual head-crashing into something bricky.
Mmh, I just realized that I’m not feeling lonely anymore lately. I might feel sorrow and sadness, I might cry my eyes out, I might be very angry or frightened, but I’m not lonely anymore. What’s up with that? I’m becoming more… integrated? No puking please. I’m becoming a whole instead of all these different layers of personality, is that a correct way of saying it? Yes, I think so. It’s all me now. Maybe that’s what it is. I’m not a bunch of different voices anymore, I’m a whole, I am one voice. Becoming anyway. And… cue tears. Yeah maybe that’s it. Because still, my eyes might be welling up with tears, I might feel pain and sorrow, but in the supermarket I still got treated differently than usual; with respect. My voice is steady, not as wobbly as I feel. So even in my desperate moments I’m gaining strength, losing complexity. Things are gaining simplicity. Maybe I’m losing those structures of falseness.
It’s not possible not to do this. I’m glad I’m still sure of that, that’s my one security; I am doing the only worthwhile thing, it’s difficult, but not as gruesomely hard as a few years ago, and not as horrific as fifteen years ago. It does get easier. But this is coming from someone who doesn’t know what it’s like to have an easy life, so beware. Easier in my book means less horrible, less gut-wrenchingly scary, less sanity endangering lonely. I’m on my road and nothing can get me off it except death and I hope death will wait until I’m gone. I don’t want to come back and start this thing all over again. God no.
Not feeling well. Bit feverish.
posted by M. at 8:28 PM
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