Today
When you’re doing it, you’re doing it. Whatever you’re doing. A couple of times I was doing it while playing mine sweep for over an hour. Like today. There was a big thing, big emotional issue, and I was prepping myself to write a big chunk, doing some difficult work, but as I was playing the computer game I noticed how I started to feel calm and things were sorting themselves out without my interfering. Sometimes I need to write, sometimes it’s more efficient not to write and to let it play out by itself.
Now I’m having a ‘bad’ night, a step back, but unlike so many times before I realize it’s part of the process, not actually a step back but a step forward in processing progress. It’s a necessary part of the process, if any progress is to take place, and I knew this, always have, but I didn’t Know it, didn’t and couldn’t realize it during the ‘bad’ times, during the downward curves. Every time I felt bad, nervous, anxious, scared and downright horrible, I just thought it would never end. When I felt good, I couldn’t believe I’d ever feel so bad again. Of course I learned after several hundreds of times. I can accept this as a part of the process. Things change.
Things are changing in my life; the way I deal with people, the way I am around my family (that part changes the slowest), the music I like, my body. Sometimes all I need to do to relax is to stretch a little, like a cat. Sometimes my body feels light and relaxed and balanced. Unheard of.
In bad times, like now, I eat and stuff myself and feel awful, but I’m not going to ‘work’ on that. I think that would be fighting symptoms, not the cause of those symptoms, so I go with the flow, even if that means I stuff myself. I don’t like it and it doesn’t feel good, but making myself, forcing myself into doing whatever usually backfires. So fingers crossed. Staying in today. Tomorrow is a whole new ballgame. I deal with today. It does impede my mind’s clarity, no fresh air, lots of sugar, but so does the place I’m in now.
I don’t have anything else to say right now. Maybe later.
Now I’m having a ‘bad’ night, a step back, but unlike so many times before I realize it’s part of the process, not actually a step back but a step forward in processing progress. It’s a necessary part of the process, if any progress is to take place, and I knew this, always have, but I didn’t Know it, didn’t and couldn’t realize it during the ‘bad’ times, during the downward curves. Every time I felt bad, nervous, anxious, scared and downright horrible, I just thought it would never end. When I felt good, I couldn’t believe I’d ever feel so bad again. Of course I learned after several hundreds of times. I can accept this as a part of the process. Things change.
Things are changing in my life; the way I deal with people, the way I am around my family (that part changes the slowest), the music I like, my body. Sometimes all I need to do to relax is to stretch a little, like a cat. Sometimes my body feels light and relaxed and balanced. Unheard of.
In bad times, like now, I eat and stuff myself and feel awful, but I’m not going to ‘work’ on that. I think that would be fighting symptoms, not the cause of those symptoms, so I go with the flow, even if that means I stuff myself. I don’t like it and it doesn’t feel good, but making myself, forcing myself into doing whatever usually backfires. So fingers crossed. Staying in today. Tomorrow is a whole new ballgame. I deal with today. It does impede my mind’s clarity, no fresh air, lots of sugar, but so does the place I’m in now.
I don’t have anything else to say right now. Maybe later.
posted by M. at 9:55 PM
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