Death to the sewer
Maybe it should hurt that my physiotherapist has nicer things to say about me than my own father, but the sad thing is, I'm used to that reality. I told the guy why I'm still living in this dump of a town, that my intuition told me to stay because I have things to work out and this is the place to do it.
That the past five years have been about getting all the crap to come to the surface, all the tension in body and in mind. It can't be a coincidence that I have so much more pain in neck and shoulders lately, and I wanted some reassurance from him, so I asked him if he too thought that my body would heal itself and get rid of that pain when I am ready for that to happen, when my mind has gotten rid of the old stuff, the superfluous fear stuff that makes me cringe. "Yes," he said, and that was all I needed to hear.
Sometimes I need that, so I don't fool myself into thinking I'm the one who's crazy. I told him that I'm handling the mind stuff on my own, with an occasional visit to the psychologist, and I do the body related stuff with him. The exercises help release the knotted up tension in my stomach, and I became very aware of the extreme tension that's still in my jaws and face.
I see myself get dragged down into that muddy stream, but I'm aware of it, and beneath it is a sense of peace, a trust that it's okay, and what is happening is perfect. The trains of thought originate in that knot in my stomach, which was a subject in physiotherapy today, it might be released old emotions. Probably doesn't matter, but anyway.
A part of me is very frightened of seeing my father again, tomorrow and next week, when it's my nephew's birthday. Where family is gathered I become the butt of jokes and mean remarks and I'm scared. Another part of me is looking on, rests relaxed in knowing it's his problem and has nothing to do with me, is confident that I can neutralize any cruel comments on my way back in the train.
It's awfully weird that this realization my whole family is wrong took so long to take hold. I so get what Human Children are like, I've walked around as a frightened, hurt little girl for most of my life. Now I'm gradually reaching my Human Teens, hahaha! Higher grounds means improved visibility in all directions. The poison in my family, you wouldn't believe it, unless you're from a sick, twisted background yourself. But, everything is perfect (hilarious, and perfect). What else would have given me this purity of intent.
This bit about the sewer and climbing out of the sewer, in Spiritual Warfare, has been helpful to me. I started thinking about 'all my problems' on the personal level (still do) and wondered how on earth I was ever getting rid of that stuff, and then, of course, I read that bit about staying in the sewer, fighting every demon, or simply climbing out of the sewer. It's what I remind myself of these past few days, especially today since I'll be tested tomorrow.
I just turned on the radio and, surprise surprise, the topic for the whole evening is Death, funerals, the taboo, songs about death, people calling in to talk about their personal experiences with burying loved ones et cetera. Perfect.
Perfect also, to see how everything changes, all the symptoms disappear once you take away the cause, the one cause. Fighting the demons in the sewer is fighting symptoms. Going straight for the kill is much more efficient.
Well, I'm going to bed and listen to this program a little more.
That the past five years have been about getting all the crap to come to the surface, all the tension in body and in mind. It can't be a coincidence that I have so much more pain in neck and shoulders lately, and I wanted some reassurance from him, so I asked him if he too thought that my body would heal itself and get rid of that pain when I am ready for that to happen, when my mind has gotten rid of the old stuff, the superfluous fear stuff that makes me cringe. "Yes," he said, and that was all I needed to hear.
Sometimes I need that, so I don't fool myself into thinking I'm the one who's crazy. I told him that I'm handling the mind stuff on my own, with an occasional visit to the psychologist, and I do the body related stuff with him. The exercises help release the knotted up tension in my stomach, and I became very aware of the extreme tension that's still in my jaws and face.
I see myself get dragged down into that muddy stream, but I'm aware of it, and beneath it is a sense of peace, a trust that it's okay, and what is happening is perfect. The trains of thought originate in that knot in my stomach, which was a subject in physiotherapy today, it might be released old emotions. Probably doesn't matter, but anyway.
A part of me is very frightened of seeing my father again, tomorrow and next week, when it's my nephew's birthday. Where family is gathered I become the butt of jokes and mean remarks and I'm scared. Another part of me is looking on, rests relaxed in knowing it's his problem and has nothing to do with me, is confident that I can neutralize any cruel comments on my way back in the train.
It's awfully weird that this realization my whole family is wrong took so long to take hold. I so get what Human Children are like, I've walked around as a frightened, hurt little girl for most of my life. Now I'm gradually reaching my Human Teens, hahaha! Higher grounds means improved visibility in all directions. The poison in my family, you wouldn't believe it, unless you're from a sick, twisted background yourself. But, everything is perfect (hilarious, and perfect). What else would have given me this purity of intent.
This bit about the sewer and climbing out of the sewer, in Spiritual Warfare, has been helpful to me. I started thinking about 'all my problems' on the personal level (still do) and wondered how on earth I was ever getting rid of that stuff, and then, of course, I read that bit about staying in the sewer, fighting every demon, or simply climbing out of the sewer. It's what I remind myself of these past few days, especially today since I'll be tested tomorrow.
I just turned on the radio and, surprise surprise, the topic for the whole evening is Death, funerals, the taboo, songs about death, people calling in to talk about their personal experiences with burying loved ones et cetera. Perfect.
Perfect also, to see how everything changes, all the symptoms disappear once you take away the cause, the one cause. Fighting the demons in the sewer is fighting symptoms. Going straight for the kill is much more efficient.
Well, I'm going to bed and listen to this program a little more.
posted by M. at 8:54 PM
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