Ashes and asses
Awesome, awesome pictures of the volcano and ash and everything related:
http://bit.ly/aN0Kpd
The photos of the volcano with the lightning just blew me away.
I have a thing for lightning and wouldn't mind being near an active volcano at some point. To see a pic of those things combined... truly awe inspiring. Too bad I ain't no virgin anymore, or I'd might consider throwing myself in to save the world's economy. (Yeah right!)
Anyway. The end's drawing near for the talks with the psychology lady, so I'll try and start this up again; writing things down clears my thoughts as much as talking to her does. She sometimes gives me feedback, but we have established that for me to get the most out it, is to just talk. That way I usually reach a clarity I couldn't have found by talking to myself. Writing stuff down has the same effect, although the feedback from this woman is refreshing.
I love it when people ask me questions. I like thinking about things, getting to the answers, discovering what's behind them, beneath them, what's hidden, what's possible, et cetera. I like to work things out in my head, I like to get the overall picture.
This week I have been dreading the meeting I have tomorrow morning, with a man who made condescending remarks last time we met. Don't want to go into details, but I have to go. I forgot to look at this meeting as a challenge, a chance to practise. Or just an experience, good or bad, that should be irrelevant, but it isn't. And to say it should be is also judgement. All in all, I think I'm judging myself more about this meeting than him.
Why is it so hard to let it go? Because he is in a position of power, and the first time he was kind and understanding. The sudden judgemental things he said were a slap in my face because he said them in a friendly tone of voice. Belittling, condescending.
This stirs up anger in me. Self-righteous anger. Like I want to attack him and defend myself at the same time by making some fitting comments about how one would expect someone in his line of work to have some shred of compassion for people less fortunate.
Of course I'd lower myself to his level. Of course there are no levels.
I don't expect myself to get rid of all this stuff by tomorrow morning. It's just a wish. I wish it wouldn't get to me, that's not the person who I want to be. I want to be able to let it go, let it roll off me as a drop of water on lotus leaves (they don't absorb water or dirt, for real, it just rolls off them), to shrug it off and be on my merry way.
FUCK HIM!! No point in denying my true feelings right? I won't deny, I won't suppress, no matter how ugly it gets. He should know better, really? Should he? He plays his part, and so do I.
My experience tells me that cursing at something or someone makes me feel heavy, polluted. Gossiping as well. I feel it pulling me down.
I wonder how I'll feel tomorrow. There's a lot of fear in me right now. What if's. The consequences of our meeting. So. I'm not 'fixing' this by writing about it. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't. This time it doesn't. Can I be okay with that? Whatever happens tomorrow, happens, and is probably what should happen. I cannot be the judge of that. This is how it is.
http://bit.ly/aN0Kpd
The photos of the volcano with the lightning just blew me away.
I have a thing for lightning and wouldn't mind being near an active volcano at some point. To see a pic of those things combined... truly awe inspiring. Too bad I ain't no virgin anymore, or I'd might consider throwing myself in to save the world's economy. (Yeah right!)
Anyway. The end's drawing near for the talks with the psychology lady, so I'll try and start this up again; writing things down clears my thoughts as much as talking to her does. She sometimes gives me feedback, but we have established that for me to get the most out it, is to just talk. That way I usually reach a clarity I couldn't have found by talking to myself. Writing stuff down has the same effect, although the feedback from this woman is refreshing.
I love it when people ask me questions. I like thinking about things, getting to the answers, discovering what's behind them, beneath them, what's hidden, what's possible, et cetera. I like to work things out in my head, I like to get the overall picture.
This week I have been dreading the meeting I have tomorrow morning, with a man who made condescending remarks last time we met. Don't want to go into details, but I have to go. I forgot to look at this meeting as a challenge, a chance to practise. Or just an experience, good or bad, that should be irrelevant, but it isn't. And to say it should be is also judgement. All in all, I think I'm judging myself more about this meeting than him.
Why is it so hard to let it go? Because he is in a position of power, and the first time he was kind and understanding. The sudden judgemental things he said were a slap in my face because he said them in a friendly tone of voice. Belittling, condescending.
This stirs up anger in me. Self-righteous anger. Like I want to attack him and defend myself at the same time by making some fitting comments about how one would expect someone in his line of work to have some shred of compassion for people less fortunate.
Of course I'd lower myself to his level. Of course there are no levels.
I don't expect myself to get rid of all this stuff by tomorrow morning. It's just a wish. I wish it wouldn't get to me, that's not the person who I want to be. I want to be able to let it go, let it roll off me as a drop of water on lotus leaves (they don't absorb water or dirt, for real, it just rolls off them), to shrug it off and be on my merry way.
FUCK HIM!! No point in denying my true feelings right? I won't deny, I won't suppress, no matter how ugly it gets. He should know better, really? Should he? He plays his part, and so do I.
My experience tells me that cursing at something or someone makes me feel heavy, polluted. Gossiping as well. I feel it pulling me down.
I wonder how I'll feel tomorrow. There's a lot of fear in me right now. What if's. The consequences of our meeting. So. I'm not 'fixing' this by writing about it. Sometimes that works, sometimes it doesn't. This time it doesn't. Can I be okay with that? Whatever happens tomorrow, happens, and is probably what should happen. I cannot be the judge of that. This is how it is.
posted by M. at 11:59 PM
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