house of cards

Grief. Is it real? Sudden sorrow and pain, for my mother. For the damage that has been done to her. Crying again. I can't take on the world. My shoulders aren't broad enough. My heart breaks for her. What's going on here? This can't be merely because I'm listening to a sad song. It does happen more often, as steps in the process, that first there is anger, then anger melts into sorrow, a deep grief and mourning for the past, for people's pain, my own pain. For everything that's been lost. Oh my god, I'm crumbling. Sometimes the pain goes so deep I don't know how to survive it. I've been shielding myself from it for a long time. Maybe I should shatter. This mirror inside me, reflecting all the crap outside me. What of it is me, and what isn't? Where is the line to divide us? If there isn't one and I am one with everything, then the pain is a part of me too, and of everything else. Everything is everything. Shielding myself from pain and sorrow and other people's pain is dividing myself into pieces. maybe me shattering is the boundary shattering between me and the world, the whole world and everything in it.
So when I'm afraid people will condemn me, it's me. It's me I am afraid of, I condemn me, I am the one pressuring and condemning me and pushing myself into a corner, as a defence mechanism. Thus making myself small. Thus hurting me more than shattering would. It's me judging me, it's me. Why else would I surround myself with people who might judge me for the things I'm saying? Why else would I mind my words, weigh them on scales, "are they gonna judge me, are they gonna think I'm crazy, melodramatic", is that not what I think then? About myself? yes it is. yes. That's all me, judging me. When I do something or say something with complete sincerity, authenticity, there can be no judging. What is in me will be outside me. magnified.
The inclination to excuse myself for what I say, apologise for what I do or don't, for who I am. Even before the judging begins.
Still holding someone in my mind, secretly wishing approval, cheers, support, compliments. Thank you for being the shape that points it out to me. Thank you all, you shades of grey, for handing me my issues on a platter. I am breaking myself apart, tearing myself down. This house of cards.
The hard stuff is melting. broken edges. I must allow everything. Everything is allowed. no more boundaries