Dreamstate and the cursed child
Picked up my Harry Potter at the bookstore.
Will probably read it in the gaps between reading and digesting "Dreamstate - A Conspiracy Theory."
All those questions. And when I look to try and find the answer, they're not there anymore. But they'll return later on. Probably, maybe not. They're not important, I guess.
One does come up again though. Maybe I shouldn't compare my 'road' to the map in the book, but I can't help wondering (again) why there's such a discrepancy. It's most likely my false way of looking, too much fog blocking a clear view of the road ahead. But still.
All that frantic-ness, euphoria, epiphanies, high level energy people get when they're in free-fall towards that black hole.. That's what it was like for me in the beginning, over twenty years ago. I've become less frantic, less euphoric.
Have I fallen asleep more deeply? It doesn't seem like it. But it wouldn't if that were the case, now would it?
My progress seems more like the ripple effect of a stone thrown into a pond. Ever widening circles.
Am I fooling myself?
I am still asking questions. I still look at myself.
The difference now is that I can't get my frustration level up high enough to force change. Because of some .. some what? Hold on.
Because of this: everything happens the way it's supposed to happen. If frustration happens, it happens and that's okay.
This is not always how I feel it, but underneath, it is.
Underneath what happens, underneath my 'feelings' about what happens, I'm okay with what happens. Uhm.. yeah. Something like that. That's why I don't get the map in the book.
There is less struggle, more releasing of the tiller. How does that combine with the frantic stuff?
If there's anyone I'd trust to be 'right' about this stuff, it's Jed.
But in the end, all I can do is trust my instincts, intuition, et cetera.
So.
Am I doing what's needed to clean and ultimately discard the lens?
No answer.
Okay.
Will 'I' make 'me' disappear if 'I' continue along the road 'I' am on?
Yes.
Okidoki then.
Oh right! I get it. 'I' am not doing anything, so the phrasing of the sentence was incorrect. Existence/the universe/whatever is doing it through me, through the lens of 'me'.
[expletives] [mild blasphemy]
God I need some tea.
Will probably read it in the gaps between reading and digesting "Dreamstate - A Conspiracy Theory."
All those questions. And when I look to try and find the answer, they're not there anymore. But they'll return later on. Probably, maybe not. They're not important, I guess.
One does come up again though. Maybe I shouldn't compare my 'road' to the map in the book, but I can't help wondering (again) why there's such a discrepancy. It's most likely my false way of looking, too much fog blocking a clear view of the road ahead. But still.
All that frantic-ness, euphoria, epiphanies, high level energy people get when they're in free-fall towards that black hole.. That's what it was like for me in the beginning, over twenty years ago. I've become less frantic, less euphoric.
Have I fallen asleep more deeply? It doesn't seem like it. But it wouldn't if that were the case, now would it?
My progress seems more like the ripple effect of a stone thrown into a pond. Ever widening circles.
Am I fooling myself?
I am still asking questions. I still look at myself.
The difference now is that I can't get my frustration level up high enough to force change. Because of some .. some what? Hold on.
Because of this: everything happens the way it's supposed to happen. If frustration happens, it happens and that's okay.
This is not always how I feel it, but underneath, it is.
Underneath what happens, underneath my 'feelings' about what happens, I'm okay with what happens. Uhm.. yeah. Something like that. That's why I don't get the map in the book.
There is less struggle, more releasing of the tiller. How does that combine with the frantic stuff?
If there's anyone I'd trust to be 'right' about this stuff, it's Jed.
But in the end, all I can do is trust my instincts, intuition, et cetera.
So.
Am I doing what's needed to clean and ultimately discard the lens?
No answer.
Okay.
Will 'I' make 'me' disappear if 'I' continue along the road 'I' am on?
Yes.
Okidoki then.
Oh right! I get it. 'I' am not doing anything, so the phrasing of the sentence was incorrect. Existence/the universe/whatever is doing it through me, through the lens of 'me'.
[expletives] [mild blasphemy]
God I need some tea.
posted by M. at 4:11 PM
4 Comments:
This comment has been removed by the author.
Everything needs to be examined. Including the need to share.
I published your comment so others might write to you. For me, emailing anyone about this would feel like a distraction, like focusing energy on something other than the process, which is uniquely individual for every person.
It's somewhat comforting to know that there are others out there who are going through the same process, but the process is never the same.
Thank you however, for taking the time to respond to my online diary.
Efcharisto!
(if you don't want your email-address published like this, post another comment and I'll delete it)
Hi. Just after I sent the previous comment, I realized how presumptuous it may seem.
I'm not actively trying to help anybody, or think I know anything for certain. Everyone's process, as you say, is unique. It's just that when we are heading to the same destination, although there are many roads, we may encounter situations that someone else has encountered before. And this works both ways.
I read all your posts since then and realized how much you've learned and changed in all those years. I'm very grateful that people like you exist. I wish you all the happiness and love you can take. Na eisai kala.
(the comments are for you. You can delete them both if you like)
It's, in my opinion, impossible for two people with different backgrounds, experiences, trauma's, characters to encounter the same situation. It's even impossible for two people with the same background to encounter the same situation. I'm sure there is a scientific explanation in there somewhere. If a man would have roughly the same experiences as me, they'd still be completely different.
At the same time I am writing this comment because in a way it is soothing to know that there are people out there busying themselves with the same stuff. Pinpricks of light.
Na eisai kala kai esu. I'm eating a cheap Dutch version of gyros tonight.
(your comments are staying)
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