That sinking feeling

You were able to be cute about spiritual enlightenment, to play with the concept, flaunt it as a hobby, wear it in your hair like an exotic flower, because you didn't allow yourself to see that this really is where this road is leading. And the way Jed describes it it's pretty scary, isn't it?
Even when you didn't know what it was, you were heading in that direction. You always were. Your whole life was set up in a way to accommodate your search. This is what you were born to do. It's real. Is it sinking in yet?
I can see that it is.

Onward, soldier

[Hanging clothes to dry and repeatedly running off between towels and underwear to write in my notebook.]

Having a hard time with this 'alone' thing. It has not sunk in. I still run through possible (but not quite) scenarios in which someone will, maybe, temporarily, be by my side.
Maybe this will happen, maybe that will happen. Maybe, maybe, maybe. For someone who is fine with being alone almost all of the time, I sure am susceptible to fantasies about cuddling and closeness (and sex).
So I haven't fully accepted it yet. Okay. I'll keep my awareness-beam trained on this (my superpower).
What happens when I repeat it to myself? I am alone. I have always been alone. I will always be alone. Even when I'm with someone, I am alone. I am alone.
-
Look, M. It's okay if you don't resolve this right now. The important thing is to recognize what is. At least now you're not fooling yourself anymore.
So you're not totally fine yet with being utterly and completely alone forever. Wow! Massive failure! Not. At least this is real.
Once you stop kidding yourself, the opportunity arises to see things as they are.
It doesn't need to be black or white.
Face this as is, without pushing and fighting to resolve it. You are alone, and you haven't fully accepted it yet. Stay with that.
-
Be aware of your emotional need to 'fix' things.
Learn to be with what is.

As you were, private.

a stern talking to

Universe was spot on again (naturally) with its prop placement of the new neighbor. I'm watching all these tendencies and insecurities racing for the spotlight. Loads of them, all brought to the surface by M2.
The closer to the surface the better. But it does make me allover the place today, combined with a lack of sleep. It's one of those days when I can't even be myself when I'm alone and no-one else is watching/judging.
I'll just let all the shadow puppets do their thing.

Most importantly, M, is to let stuff happen and play itself out.
No need to worry about saying or doing anything weird; you probably will, because you did so before and let's face it: you don't know how to be normal and you could stop trying to be, that would be great, thanks.
Think of all the energy you'll save.
Do you want to wake up anytime soon? Stop wasting all this time and energy on the little things. Time flies when you're entrenched. GET OUT.
I can be tougher on you now that you're not that fragile anymore. So get going, lady.

There are no rules except this one: follow your own rules. Forget everything else. It's just not worth it, time goes by so fast. Make up your mind.
Can you handle the truth?
You're wallowing in petty stuff, even by your own admission. There is a vast space available to you and you don't use it, you crouch in your little dark corner, afraid of all the light and air and spaciousness. Time to breathe, Muppet, come out, come out, wherever you are. You are HERE. You are NOW. So BE.
Waiting for someone to take your hand? Not gonna happen. You're alone here. You knew that and you know it and there's no denying it. This is it. You are ALONE. Step up.
Come on, girl, no crying. You're on your way to infinity.

And don't let me catch you dwelling on how poetic that sounds!
Repeat after me: terror attacks? Not My Problem.
Rabid president in America? Not My Problem.
Sister in pain? Not My Problem.
Niece in trouble? Not My Problem.
Yeah, check out all that squirming going on. Food for worms. It's not your problem. Nothing is your problem. YOU are your problem, and nothing else. Focus. Focus. FOCUS.
Okay, good talk.

Super spiritual

"I'm on my way to infinity..."
That's what I woke up with, the lyric that was going through my head for an hour before I gave up on sleep. Not sleeping well, lately.

Dreamed we were going to climb the mountain "Infinity" on this holiday. It was our third or fourth time, but this time I was afraid someone might fall off. My sister might fall off the mountain.
Hand over hand on a shared rope we climb up in full winter-gear. 
It's cold. At some point my sister is sitting very close to the edge and I warn her, scared of losing her.

Actually crying now that I'm writing it down. Sleep deprivation.
After the dream I woke up with that song.

I have a new mantra I've been practising with the past few days:
Not My Problem.
As soon as I get to know someone I start feeling responsible for them. Arrogance? Just another form of fear?
I want to make sure they are doing well, so I don't have to worry about them. It's all about me, me, me. Isn't it always?
But they can't do too well, because then they wouldn't need me.
Me me me.
So basically "Not My Problem" is the most generous thing I've ever done.