A Process of Negation
That's what Jed calls the process of annihilating ego. Annihilation of everything you used to believe was you.
Yes, the book came. At first reading it was a little difficult because I had to get into it, by which I mean the english, not the content. And soon after, I was reminded again of how lonely this road really is. I can fool myself and try to have social contacts, but in fact there is nobody around me who even has a clue as to what I'm doing. Sometimes I didn't even realize where I was heading. Thank God for that. Would I have known what pain and incredible fear I was going to experience I would never have undertaken this journey into the depths of my ego's fiery pit.
I used to think I would be less lonely once I was stronger and know who I was, or once I had a balanced ego or whatever the hell I thought at the time.
I only wanted to feel less fear. That's what started everything. Gradually it became a search for something else. Why is it necessary to first experience what you are not to discover what you are? That's pretty much what I've been doing for the past twelve years. Scanning myself and all the crap I carried with me, choosing what I keep and what I throw away. I choose who I want to be, but now I can see that what I am choosing are continually more honest versions of myself. I'm gradually disappearing altogether.
This process has made me very bullshit-sensitive, I have a goddamn radar for it. I can't even have superficial conversations with people unless they have a decent sense of humor. When I say I'm lonely some people say I should go and do volunteers work, but jeezz if there was work I was physically able to do I would go and do it and get bloody paid for it wouldn't I. It's not that kind of loneliness, but how to explain something like that? I really don't know, maybe it's just not possible to explain, you have to have been there yourself.. It's okay for me to be alone as much as I am because I'm great company and I don't distract myself from my life's goal. I don't need to be in the presence of people, it doesn't make me feel desperate if I'm not. It's enough for me to have just a few good friends around who know what I am and what I am trying to do, or at least have a vague idea of what I'm doing and don't consider me a whackjob. Or maybe they do and still like having me around, I don't know, I should probably ask them.
My loneliness is in the road I am travelling. Everything seems so damn fake to me and simply not worth the effort. Even to be rich doesn't seem like a big deal although I could use some money. Everything I have been enthusiastic about in my life disintegrated before my very eyes. It's part of the masterplan to keep me on the road to Truth I guess. Goddammit. No distraction for M., she's pushing ahead with great speed, let's not allow her to be slowed down by stupid things like money, luck, health and happiness.
I give people a false image of me because they won't understand what I'm about if I tell them. I pretend to be a naive, gullible, shy, nervous and funny girl with some talents and insecurities and I keep hoping that some day someone will come up to me, look me in the eyes and say: I know what you are, I know where you are, I am there too, welcome to the club.
This is probably a loneliness I have to accept, it will not get any better. I could cry but I'm out of time, gotta go.
***M.
Yes, the book came. At first reading it was a little difficult because I had to get into it, by which I mean the english, not the content. And soon after, I was reminded again of how lonely this road really is. I can fool myself and try to have social contacts, but in fact there is nobody around me who even has a clue as to what I'm doing. Sometimes I didn't even realize where I was heading. Thank God for that. Would I have known what pain and incredible fear I was going to experience I would never have undertaken this journey into the depths of my ego's fiery pit.
I used to think I would be less lonely once I was stronger and know who I was, or once I had a balanced ego or whatever the hell I thought at the time.
I only wanted to feel less fear. That's what started everything. Gradually it became a search for something else. Why is it necessary to first experience what you are not to discover what you are? That's pretty much what I've been doing for the past twelve years. Scanning myself and all the crap I carried with me, choosing what I keep and what I throw away. I choose who I want to be, but now I can see that what I am choosing are continually more honest versions of myself. I'm gradually disappearing altogether.
This process has made me very bullshit-sensitive, I have a goddamn radar for it. I can't even have superficial conversations with people unless they have a decent sense of humor. When I say I'm lonely some people say I should go and do volunteers work, but jeezz if there was work I was physically able to do I would go and do it and get bloody paid for it wouldn't I. It's not that kind of loneliness, but how to explain something like that? I really don't know, maybe it's just not possible to explain, you have to have been there yourself.. It's okay for me to be alone as much as I am because I'm great company and I don't distract myself from my life's goal. I don't need to be in the presence of people, it doesn't make me feel desperate if I'm not. It's enough for me to have just a few good friends around who know what I am and what I am trying to do, or at least have a vague idea of what I'm doing and don't consider me a whackjob. Or maybe they do and still like having me around, I don't know, I should probably ask them.
My loneliness is in the road I am travelling. Everything seems so damn fake to me and simply not worth the effort. Even to be rich doesn't seem like a big deal although I could use some money. Everything I have been enthusiastic about in my life disintegrated before my very eyes. It's part of the masterplan to keep me on the road to Truth I guess. Goddammit. No distraction for M., she's pushing ahead with great speed, let's not allow her to be slowed down by stupid things like money, luck, health and happiness.
I give people a false image of me because they won't understand what I'm about if I tell them. I pretend to be a naive, gullible, shy, nervous and funny girl with some talents and insecurities and I keep hoping that some day someone will come up to me, look me in the eyes and say: I know what you are, I know where you are, I am there too, welcome to the club.
This is probably a loneliness I have to accept, it will not get any better. I could cry but I'm out of time, gotta go.
***M.
posted by M. at 3:45 AM
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