Wheezy hermit
Exciting. Next Tuesday, right before I leave for England, I have an intake with a regression therapist (don't know the correct English term, but you know what I mean). I told him on the phone earlier this evening that I want to pinpoint the exact moment I erected the wall. So many events came before and after, I just can't find out by myself.
Wouldn't that be cool, if my body relaxed and the breathing and weird astma problem would be gone as well, so I can go jogging, so I can walk up a flight of stairs without wheezing, ride a bicycle in a place where there's hills. Participate in a karate lesson without turning purple.
But most of all, I want to be able to connect to people. Truly connect, without that constant worrying in the back of my mind: what do they think of me? What can I say to make them like me? How can I impress them or make them laugh? It's not only exhausting (takes me days to recover from a visit, no matter who it is), it's lonely. I see a sad, lonely future, cut off from people, unable to maintain relationships.
I don't want to lose my current boyfriend/sugardaddy (he's too old to be called boyfriend really), but I also want to improve existing relationships with friends and family. I want to be authentic, so I don't have to be a hermit for the bigger part of the year, just to regain some control and energy.
Some day... some day I might want to be a mother and as it is now, I am exhausted after only one day with my sister's kids.
Well, can't make a coherent story, so that's it for now. Still excited about the appointment Tuesday.
***
Wouldn't that be cool, if my body relaxed and the breathing and weird astma problem would be gone as well, so I can go jogging, so I can walk up a flight of stairs without wheezing, ride a bicycle in a place where there's hills. Participate in a karate lesson without turning purple.
But most of all, I want to be able to connect to people. Truly connect, without that constant worrying in the back of my mind: what do they think of me? What can I say to make them like me? How can I impress them or make them laugh? It's not only exhausting (takes me days to recover from a visit, no matter who it is), it's lonely. I see a sad, lonely future, cut off from people, unable to maintain relationships.
I don't want to lose my current boyfriend/sugardaddy (he's too old to be called boyfriend really), but I also want to improve existing relationships with friends and family. I want to be authentic, so I don't have to be a hermit for the bigger part of the year, just to regain some control and energy.
Some day... some day I might want to be a mother and as it is now, I am exhausted after only one day with my sister's kids.
Well, can't make a coherent story, so that's it for now. Still excited about the appointment Tuesday.
***
posted by M. at 8:19 PM
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