"Life's a piece of shit, when you look at it."

Trying to sleep as much as possible so days are kept short. A dead end, I'm not only living in a dead end street, I'm living a dead end life. Nothing to look forward to. Reading library thrillers to keep my mind off of things, like the worrying, the frustration of not being able to buy presents for friends and family, of not being able to shower every day because of the costs, not being able to buy clothes without 'eating' away my budget for food, not being able to go to the movies or do fun things with my boyfriend. It's hard to admit, but today I entertained thoughts about suicide. Thinking how nice it would be to disappear out of this terrible place without anything of value in my future. Dissolve into darkness, be reborn into another body, other circumstances. I can't of course, I have a boyfriend, friends and family, so I cannot do it, but this is so hard. It's so hard for me to live on without prospects, enduring a life that consists solely of breathing, eating, sleeping, watching tv and exercising to keep my back in shape. And when the municipal officials in charge of my 'case' finally realize there isn't anything they can do about the situation, they will have me write letters of application every week, for jobs I can't do and have no way of being hired for. That could push me over the edge. It could be the last straw. How to go on from there, I don't know, I just don't know.