Deck chairs and rotting corpses
Clarity, increasing clarity. Didn't expect it to be so cool. It feels... like something new and shiny, something I just got from the shop and am turning around in my hands to look at it from all sides. Novelty, that the right word? It makes things so much easier.
Quicker too. It makes me act sooner when something happens, instead of procrastinating endlessly trying to drag my ass over the hurdles of fear and inertia.
What also helps, is my neighbours are gone, have disappeared, my friendly neighbour and I hope they're on a permanent vacation or drove themselves into a ravine or got imprisoned or whatever keeps them away from here. It's been lovely and quiet.
I actually enjoyed sitting in my garden, looking at the stars. The peace and quiet gave me the opportunity to work through some things and made this wonderful new clarity emerge.
And things appear. I had just decided I was going to buy a deck chair when friendly neighbour wrestled herself through the bushes and asked if I would be interested in an old deck chair she had lying around in the attic unused. Well yeah!
Deck chairs are the best. Sitting around like an old spinster, with a cup of coffee and a neighbourhood cat coming round to say hallo, I was happy just looking at the stars.
Even if they return tomorrow it's been worth it, I had some peaceful weeks and got some inner work done.
In two weeks time I have an appointment with a psychologist, exciting and scary. I owned up to my situation at social security, told them I'd always been too proud to admit how damaged I really was/am, and that I was in now way capable of a normal fulltime job. I'd been eager to partake in any project just to show them I am not lazy and I do want to work. Which is true in the end, because when I have work I enjoy I work very hard. I do the best I can.
But I came clean and the guy was gentle and understanding. I have time and space now to get some work done with a psychologist as well, until the road is cleared. And I'm happy because it means I can do the most important job there is, namely this. Further. That job.
More clarity, more balance. I even spoke up to my ex, in no uncertain terms. Felt good, felt... clean in some way.
I am moving forward it seems.
Oh right, almost forgot about the suicide. A guy who lived with me and my family when I was a little kid has killed himself. Nothing like a juicy suicide to totally immerse you in The Play again. It was harsh, I cried a lot. For him, cos it was so sad, realising how lonely he must have been.
I also checked the internet to see what happens to corpses lying around in hot attics for three weeks, cos that's how long it took before they found him. I wasn't scared, I just studied the process of putrification because I don't believe in not knowing. It was okay.
A few weeks ago he came to visit me in my half sleep to say goodbye and let me know he was moving on to a better place. So I'm okay with that, having a new spirit friend. Maybe I'm better at friendships with dead people. At least they're more honest and straight to the point.
Time for bed now, since I don't know what else to say.
Quicker too. It makes me act sooner when something happens, instead of procrastinating endlessly trying to drag my ass over the hurdles of fear and inertia.
What also helps, is my neighbours are gone, have disappeared, my friendly neighbour and I hope they're on a permanent vacation or drove themselves into a ravine or got imprisoned or whatever keeps them away from here. It's been lovely and quiet.
I actually enjoyed sitting in my garden, looking at the stars. The peace and quiet gave me the opportunity to work through some things and made this wonderful new clarity emerge.
And things appear. I had just decided I was going to buy a deck chair when friendly neighbour wrestled herself through the bushes and asked if I would be interested in an old deck chair she had lying around in the attic unused. Well yeah!
Deck chairs are the best. Sitting around like an old spinster, with a cup of coffee and a neighbourhood cat coming round to say hallo, I was happy just looking at the stars.
Even if they return tomorrow it's been worth it, I had some peaceful weeks and got some inner work done.
In two weeks time I have an appointment with a psychologist, exciting and scary. I owned up to my situation at social security, told them I'd always been too proud to admit how damaged I really was/am, and that I was in now way capable of a normal fulltime job. I'd been eager to partake in any project just to show them I am not lazy and I do want to work. Which is true in the end, because when I have work I enjoy I work very hard. I do the best I can.
But I came clean and the guy was gentle and understanding. I have time and space now to get some work done with a psychologist as well, until the road is cleared. And I'm happy because it means I can do the most important job there is, namely this. Further. That job.
More clarity, more balance. I even spoke up to my ex, in no uncertain terms. Felt good, felt... clean in some way.
I am moving forward it seems.
Oh right, almost forgot about the suicide. A guy who lived with me and my family when I was a little kid has killed himself. Nothing like a juicy suicide to totally immerse you in The Play again. It was harsh, I cried a lot. For him, cos it was so sad, realising how lonely he must have been.
I also checked the internet to see what happens to corpses lying around in hot attics for three weeks, cos that's how long it took before they found him. I wasn't scared, I just studied the process of putrification because I don't believe in not knowing. It was okay.
A few weeks ago he came to visit me in my half sleep to say goodbye and let me know he was moving on to a better place. So I'm okay with that, having a new spirit friend. Maybe I'm better at friendships with dead people. At least they're more honest and straight to the point.
Time for bed now, since I don't know what else to say.
posted by M. at 12:39 AM
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