Cranes
I'm not in a writing mood tonight, so I thought, why not, maybe that can be interesting. See what comes out.
Since I started trying to say and express things as truthfully as possible, I'm writing less and less. Maybe that doesn't show on this weblog, but it does on my Dutch one, and in my (very empty) diary.
This is the only place I allow myself some ranting and raving, because it has a purpose. Here I write about what's close to my heart.
My search, my process of awakening.
A few nights ago I suddenly saw myself, the way I was sitting on the sofa in my livingroom. Pleasant lights, nice atmosphere, plants everywhere, books and seashells and some colourful origami cranes. Me, alone on the sofa, while outside everybody slept. It was dark, night, like now. The hours before morning.
I just saw myself sitting here and it's hard to describe, but the picture was a lonely one.
Don't know why, I can't do things differently at the moment. I do better when I'm by myself. Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing the right thing, but not for long. I always end up realising I'm not a family person. Yet? I really couldn't say. Not right now anyway.
But you know. Pre-midlifecrisis maybe, of someone in her thirties.
I think I can feel where things are going in my life, I think I can read the signs and see where the road is taking me, but I wouldn't mind a few nice surprises on the way. Can't help but wonder when the good part will start, the part where I'm not so scared anymore.
What is true.
I keep asking myself.
This... destination-stuff feels true to me. In my experience I only want things as fiercely as I want them now, when they're attainable. That's why there is no doubt in my mind about getting 'where' I want. I will, because the want is in my heart.
I guess that's the product of 16 years of following my heart, that little voice, the intuitive part of me. Every time I felt strongly about something, I knew that was the way to go and I would achieve, get, attain what I wanted. Otherwise I wouldn't want it.
Does that make sense?
It does to me.
Still, I wish I had someone to talk to about these things, someone Further along in the process. But I suspect it's a wish out of loneliness, it's a lonely business after all. That's why I sit here alone, on the sofa in my livingroom, in the dark hours before morning. And everybody sleeps.
Since I started trying to say and express things as truthfully as possible, I'm writing less and less. Maybe that doesn't show on this weblog, but it does on my Dutch one, and in my (very empty) diary.
This is the only place I allow myself some ranting and raving, because it has a purpose. Here I write about what's close to my heart.
My search, my process of awakening.
A few nights ago I suddenly saw myself, the way I was sitting on the sofa in my livingroom. Pleasant lights, nice atmosphere, plants everywhere, books and seashells and some colourful origami cranes. Me, alone on the sofa, while outside everybody slept. It was dark, night, like now. The hours before morning.
I just saw myself sitting here and it's hard to describe, but the picture was a lonely one.
Don't know why, I can't do things differently at the moment. I do better when I'm by myself. Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing the right thing, but not for long. I always end up realising I'm not a family person. Yet? I really couldn't say. Not right now anyway.
But you know. Pre-midlifecrisis maybe, of someone in her thirties.
I think I can feel where things are going in my life, I think I can read the signs and see where the road is taking me, but I wouldn't mind a few nice surprises on the way. Can't help but wonder when the good part will start, the part where I'm not so scared anymore.
What is true.
I keep asking myself.
This... destination-stuff feels true to me. In my experience I only want things as fiercely as I want them now, when they're attainable. That's why there is no doubt in my mind about getting 'where' I want. I will, because the want is in my heart.
I guess that's the product of 16 years of following my heart, that little voice, the intuitive part of me. Every time I felt strongly about something, I knew that was the way to go and I would achieve, get, attain what I wanted. Otherwise I wouldn't want it.
Does that make sense?
It does to me.
Still, I wish I had someone to talk to about these things, someone Further along in the process. But I suspect it's a wish out of loneliness, it's a lonely business after all. That's why I sit here alone, on the sofa in my livingroom, in the dark hours before morning. And everybody sleeps.
posted by M. at 1:52 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home