My goals (laugh and... see if I care)

I remember Osho was quoted somewhere as saying it's harder for women to realise enlightenment because in the process of waking up, people balance out, as in men's feminine sides grow stronger (or whatever, my English is insufficient at this point but you know what I mean). Feminine qualities get more pronounced, which is fortunate because, according to what I can remember from Osho being quoted (can never be to careful in stating something), at 'the end', right before enlightenment is realised, abiding non-dual awareness, right before the ego falls from the tree like ripe fruit, surrender happens and/or is necessary to 'get there' in the first place.
Now, that's all very nice for the men in the process, but women tend to develop their masculine qualities more (we turn into raving dikes), which makes surrender that much harder.
I have to say, I heard and read about enlightened guys a lot more than about enlightened women, but that could also be because men are and have always been more in the picture than women. Bad PR. The enlightened women are out there, just not very visible. The most sensible ones in my point of view, are the ones who keep quiet about it anyway.
Right. Back to me. I have strong masculine qualities so perhaps it would be tough for me to take the final step, or rather, let the final step happen, surrender and let it Be. (Beatles song making much more sense to me all of a sudden.)
Not a problem, since the melting experience, I can take it from there. Or be taken from there. I may turn out to be more of a girl than I ever thought possible. That taken care of. Next.
Osho also made a comment, apparently, about rich versus poor. Stating no poor person will ever put the search for enlightenment before the search for money. At the time I took it as a personal challenge, I was gonna show him (I didn't care he was dead, I was gonna show him anyway and lots of other people too - grudges, before-mentioned daddy issues, et cetera).
Of course, apart from the time I spent sort of homeless, I haven't been that poor; I can still afford to eat every day, not proper meals, but hey, details, so maybe I'm not National Geographic material just yet. He probably meant real poor, as in I want to feed my children.

I devoured Osho's books. I may have been very naive, but even so, I recognised Truth in his words. I know Truth when it's before me. Still reread them every once in a while, Jed's books as well.
Anyway. I'm a woman/girl, I'm relatively poor and I've had an abusive childhood and painful life. I've never read any books from people who come from crap backgrounds and there-after 'attain enlightenment'/ wake up.
So I'm different in three ways, which is completely irrelevant but the book will be a first because of these distinctions and thus will be a beaken of hope for many. Everybody can do it, even people like me (they have to be extremely stubborn though, also like me).
As far as I've read, people who awaken in this life have had regular lives, pretty good ones, generally. No major traumas or physical and/or emotional abuse to get past. The process leading up to awakening is all they have to do really.
No, not jealous, I've learned so much, seen so much, all the bad stuff makes for great anecdotes, ergo the book.
I'm not frustrated anymore about taking longer than two years, but thankful instead, that I've been given this opportunity to present something new to the world.

I started out real naive, but that's part of the process.
Oh my, I had high hopes of Guru-ness, martyrdom and all kinds of excellent Master-benefits, like exclusively fitted sandals and a personal cook, you name it. But I could have all that if I were merely rich, so then that became an okay goal too. I thought what the hell, why not both. So.
These are my plans: write a book about my life and journey, from abuse to enlightenment (right, first have to wake up, there's that). Then become insanely rich and give talks, or disappear to a quiet piece of land or an island; only thing I'm sure of wanting is a rocking chair and a porch (not available in Holland) with a great view over a lake or landscape.
Goal: no person will ever be the same after reading the book. My life's work will change everybody else's lives. Reading it will be living the process, learning, transcending, crying, laughing, going to the hospital for a dislocated jaw (will drop, all the time), getting excruciatingly embarrassed and/or aroused, angry, frustrated and disgusted. Reading the book will be a journey in itself.
Nobel Prize for Literature. Or Peace, I'm not picky.
Instead of kids I'll have the book, and boy, it's quite the delivery. I'm still waiting for Life to tell me it's time to start writing it. It will be that succesful because I listen and am on the look-out for signs, I'll know when the time is right.
When it's indicated (thanks for that very appropriate term, Jed) the work will start and only then.
Most of the work has already been done, namely the story has been lived. All that needs to be done now is to put it in writing.
Right, and the waking up part, I keep forgetting =;~)
To be perfectly honest: I don't care about the getting rich part, but maybe it can buy me some peace and quiet. The point is: my life has been so weird and colourful, it would be a crime not to write about it. And I happen to know it's my life's work. This is what I have to do with my life and I'll be perfectly content doing it. I'm visualising it almost daily now.
I'm waiting for the right moment, no use in starting a difficult climb with a broken leg. Or jumping on a board with no waves in sight. Or putting on a condom when you're alone in the room. Down, girl.

Well, confession time is over, gonna get me some warm milk with anise and up to bed.