Never ending story
How long will this go on? Is this ever going to end? Isn't there supposed to be progress? I can see change, but at the same time this seems to go on forever and ever and ever. It should get better and instead there's new realms of pain and hurt opening up for me. Wonderful! I'm so glad I'm on this journey!
It's such an honour to be able to experience all the different varieties of pain available in this fucked up life. What's the fucking point here? To prove I'm strong, because I didn't die on the way? What the hell does that prove? I wish I had died, I wish I'd never been born, I'd be so much better off, my whole family would be better off.
What's the point if it doesn't get better? The only reason I never committed suicide was cowardice and scarring my sister. Now all I can think of is my niece and nephew growing up surrounded by screaming, name calling, verbal abuse.
Like we did. Great. And nothing I can do about it because bro-in-law's behaviour worsens when I'm around cos he's jealous of our history. So the fan-fucking-tastic solution is not to go see my niece and nephew anymore.
And I keep worrying about them. I keep worrying about my sister's addictions. I keep worrying about my Ex's hurt, his childhood and the way his parents put him down. I feel his hurt, I feel her hurt, I feel their hurt and I feel my hurt. FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK IT. FUCK THIS LIFE, FUCK GOD, FUCK LIFE, FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU.
The violence, the pain, the hurt, everywhere. Children abused in every imaginable way, people so lonely it hurts to look at them.
Wonderful how I'm opening up and not only feeling my pain, but everybody's pain, every person I hear about or read about or see on tv and you don't have to look far, god no. I was ridiculously sensitive and eventually was able to successfully shut myself off from the poor little children in Africa, even to the extent I was bored when there was yet another sad little face staring at me on the tv screen. That's why we invented remote controls. And now I have to get back to that? WHAT IS THE USE?
Tell me; what is the use? I am in no position to do any good. I'm in deep shit. My shit. I'm shoveling great big heaps of crap, shit, manure, all kinds of awful matter and what on earth is the point of feeling other people's pain again? I mean, a little, yeah, why not, I'm an empathetic person, always trying to do the right thing, always understanding, but why now? THERE'S JUST NO POINT!! Leave me alone!! Leave me to do my work, I'm not whole, I'm not an adult yet, I'm not even a regular Human Teenager yet. I'm no use to anybody if I can't get my shit together!
STOP THROWING ALL THAT SHIT MY WAY!! I HAVE ENOUGH! ENOUGH! ENOUGH!!! Leave me alone, I just want to be left alone, I don't want to be here anymore. I want to disappear, I don't see the point. I work so hard and now the pain is all-pervading.
A whole cavernous space of hurt and human suffering opened up inside me and how am I supposed to deal with that? How can I deal with that when I'm alone and there's people hurting man, how can I go on, when their pain is my pain. I have enough on my plate without all their stuff.
How am I supposed to go on like this? I don't see an end to it. The only reason I always kept going was I never stopped hoping and convincing myself that some day the pain would be over, one day I'd have peace, some day in the future (yet eternally 'in the future') I'd be able to do something with my life and use what I learned, what I went through.
I kept telling myself this wouldn't all be for nothing. This wouldn't be a useless life, even though that's what it seemed to be most of the time.
I CAN'T DO THIS ALONE! THERE'S TOO MUCH ON MY SHOULDERS.
I think I've been incredibly patient. I've been working non-stop since I was eighteen, trying to end the pain, to lessen it. Now it feels like it's being dragged out, like a bad ambitious movie.
Audience tired and done after an hour, but no, movie lasts and lasts and lasts and you finished all your popcorn trying to get through what you thought was the tiresome first part and now you're trapped in the movie theater, the movie hurts your eyes like a knife on a plate, there's a drunk fat guy sweating beer in the next seat, fondling himself and after three hours you think it's finally over but what you thought was the end of a crap story going nowhere was just a break and you're going to have to sit through hours and hours more of the same garbage.
Life sucks.
It's such an honour to be able to experience all the different varieties of pain available in this fucked up life. What's the fucking point here? To prove I'm strong, because I didn't die on the way? What the hell does that prove? I wish I had died, I wish I'd never been born, I'd be so much better off, my whole family would be better off.
What's the point if it doesn't get better? The only reason I never committed suicide was cowardice and scarring my sister. Now all I can think of is my niece and nephew growing up surrounded by screaming, name calling, verbal abuse.
Like we did. Great. And nothing I can do about it because bro-in-law's behaviour worsens when I'm around cos he's jealous of our history. So the fan-fucking-tastic solution is not to go see my niece and nephew anymore.
And I keep worrying about them. I keep worrying about my sister's addictions. I keep worrying about my Ex's hurt, his childhood and the way his parents put him down. I feel his hurt, I feel her hurt, I feel their hurt and I feel my hurt. FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK IT FUCK IT. FUCK THIS LIFE, FUCK GOD, FUCK LIFE, FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU.
The violence, the pain, the hurt, everywhere. Children abused in every imaginable way, people so lonely it hurts to look at them.
Wonderful how I'm opening up and not only feeling my pain, but everybody's pain, every person I hear about or read about or see on tv and you don't have to look far, god no. I was ridiculously sensitive and eventually was able to successfully shut myself off from the poor little children in Africa, even to the extent I was bored when there was yet another sad little face staring at me on the tv screen. That's why we invented remote controls. And now I have to get back to that? WHAT IS THE USE?
Tell me; what is the use? I am in no position to do any good. I'm in deep shit. My shit. I'm shoveling great big heaps of crap, shit, manure, all kinds of awful matter and what on earth is the point of feeling other people's pain again? I mean, a little, yeah, why not, I'm an empathetic person, always trying to do the right thing, always understanding, but why now? THERE'S JUST NO POINT!! Leave me alone!! Leave me to do my work, I'm not whole, I'm not an adult yet, I'm not even a regular Human Teenager yet. I'm no use to anybody if I can't get my shit together!
STOP THROWING ALL THAT SHIT MY WAY!! I HAVE ENOUGH! ENOUGH! ENOUGH!!! Leave me alone, I just want to be left alone, I don't want to be here anymore. I want to disappear, I don't see the point. I work so hard and now the pain is all-pervading.
A whole cavernous space of hurt and human suffering opened up inside me and how am I supposed to deal with that? How can I deal with that when I'm alone and there's people hurting man, how can I go on, when their pain is my pain. I have enough on my plate without all their stuff.
How am I supposed to go on like this? I don't see an end to it. The only reason I always kept going was I never stopped hoping and convincing myself that some day the pain would be over, one day I'd have peace, some day in the future (yet eternally 'in the future') I'd be able to do something with my life and use what I learned, what I went through.
I kept telling myself this wouldn't all be for nothing. This wouldn't be a useless life, even though that's what it seemed to be most of the time.
I CAN'T DO THIS ALONE! THERE'S TOO MUCH ON MY SHOULDERS.
I think I've been incredibly patient. I've been working non-stop since I was eighteen, trying to end the pain, to lessen it. Now it feels like it's being dragged out, like a bad ambitious movie.
Audience tired and done after an hour, but no, movie lasts and lasts and lasts and you finished all your popcorn trying to get through what you thought was the tiresome first part and now you're trapped in the movie theater, the movie hurts your eyes like a knife on a plate, there's a drunk fat guy sweating beer in the next seat, fondling himself and after three hours you think it's finally over but what you thought was the end of a crap story going nowhere was just a break and you're going to have to sit through hours and hours more of the same garbage.
Life sucks.
posted by M. at 1:59 AM
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