Princess of Tides
This is the most horrible movie I've ever seen. Don't ever want to see it again. Can't stop crying. Tears are streaming down my face, have to blow my nose constantly. The main character reminds me so much of my little niece and it just breaks my heart. What an awful, awful film. "Tideland." Can't watch, can't not watch. Just want it to end.
Oh god, it's getting even worse, nauseating.
(Watched "Alive" last night by the way; mesmerizing.)
Haven't cried like this in a long time. Just want to go to sleep and sleep, and sleep, and sleep, only to wake up when I'm not so afraid anymore.
Today made it clear that other people's opinions are still more important to me than my own. A matter of life and death, like walking a tightrope, trying to stay away from people as much as I can, without angering them or raising suspicion.
Paranoid, much?
Being paranoid means staying alive, someone said that today in "The Closer". It sounds about right. There's a good reason for me seeing danger at every turn. There was. And now I'm so wound up the stress and fear is constricting my every move.
My opinion should be the one that really counts.
Thank god, the movie is over. Horrific. At least it ends with the hint of a safer situation in the future for the main character, but you just know she will always be seriously screwed up. Trying not to take it too personally!
Truth. If the point is to write truth, then I might as well stop writing. So the best I can do, is make a genuine effort of writing as truthfully as I can, about my personal truth, as objectively as I can. After all, I am becoming less false.
I suppose I could say 'more truthful', but maybe truth is what's left when you strip away all that is false. After all, I have a lot of experience with what's false in life, and not much with what's true. Although I can sense it beneath the surface.
Lots of times I've cursed the fact that I've learned ever so slowly what I do want, by experiencing almost everything I didn't want, over and over again. Seems like a major detour to me, but I did need to learn a lot.
I started out as nobody. I did not have any opinions of my own. I did, said, thought what people wanted, and what I anticipated they'd want from me. I didn't exist as a person.
So when I finally realised - at eighteen years old - I was an empty shell and had no idea what I wanted, and that maybe it mattered what I wanted, I started to learn; I started the process of finding out what I wanted by discovering first what I didn't want. And I didn't want to be a puppet anymore.
After all this time, my opinion still isn't the most important to me. But I'll get there. As long as I keep observing my thoughts and fears and don't lose myself in them. Keep seeing myself in those two separate ways. Being scared while observing myself being scared. Eventually I'll become un-screwed.
Less false. More real. Closer to Truth. Me.
Oh god, it's getting even worse, nauseating.
(Watched "Alive" last night by the way; mesmerizing.)
Haven't cried like this in a long time. Just want to go to sleep and sleep, and sleep, and sleep, only to wake up when I'm not so afraid anymore.
Today made it clear that other people's opinions are still more important to me than my own. A matter of life and death, like walking a tightrope, trying to stay away from people as much as I can, without angering them or raising suspicion.
Paranoid, much?
Being paranoid means staying alive, someone said that today in "The Closer". It sounds about right. There's a good reason for me seeing danger at every turn. There was. And now I'm so wound up the stress and fear is constricting my every move.
My opinion should be the one that really counts.
Thank god, the movie is over. Horrific. At least it ends with the hint of a safer situation in the future for the main character, but you just know she will always be seriously screwed up. Trying not to take it too personally!
Truth. If the point is to write truth, then I might as well stop writing. So the best I can do, is make a genuine effort of writing as truthfully as I can, about my personal truth, as objectively as I can. After all, I am becoming less false.
I suppose I could say 'more truthful', but maybe truth is what's left when you strip away all that is false. After all, I have a lot of experience with what's false in life, and not much with what's true. Although I can sense it beneath the surface.
Lots of times I've cursed the fact that I've learned ever so slowly what I do want, by experiencing almost everything I didn't want, over and over again. Seems like a major detour to me, but I did need to learn a lot.
I started out as nobody. I did not have any opinions of my own. I did, said, thought what people wanted, and what I anticipated they'd want from me. I didn't exist as a person.
So when I finally realised - at eighteen years old - I was an empty shell and had no idea what I wanted, and that maybe it mattered what I wanted, I started to learn; I started the process of finding out what I wanted by discovering first what I didn't want. And I didn't want to be a puppet anymore.
After all this time, my opinion still isn't the most important to me. But I'll get there. As long as I keep observing my thoughts and fears and don't lose myself in them. Keep seeing myself in those two separate ways. Being scared while observing myself being scared. Eventually I'll become un-screwed.
Less false. More real. Closer to Truth. Me.
posted by M. at 12:49 AM
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