Woolly beast

At least I'm not fighting my own defenses anymore. After the 'shake up' he asked me if I'd had any physical sensations I wanted to share with him, and I told him that (apart from the fact my boobs hurt from furiously jiggling around in a non-sports bra) beneath all actively participating body parts, I sensed a plank or column of rigidness, right through the center of my body.
Like an iron fist clenched around the parts that cannot be relaxed yet. Probably because I wouldn't be able to handle all of it at once. Baby steps in releasing the inner doggy. No point in releasing the enraged mammoth.
"Can you welcome that rigidness?"
I directed my attention towards the plank and felt that yeah, I can do that. I already am. I used to fight the tension, trying so hard to relax. Not anymore. I'm not mad at the various defense systems giving me physical problems either. They all served to protect me in a hostile environment.
I understand, I'm not struggling to let go of them, I appreciate what they've done for me and they'll leave in their own time. Don't want to go around unprotected because I got rid of them prematurely. Not that I can.
Anyway. It's a good thing, not adding any more tension to the mix. I was surprised by my own mildness on the subject when we discussed it. Nice.

The anger is still stampeding around inside me. The knot still hurts.
Wish I had some salty chips, and cola.