Unsure
The fear won't budge. I'm postponing going to training, making it increasingly difficult to eventually go there again. I could just give in and quit it altogether, cos this is no way to live, to do sports; I'm in constant fear to go there, because I might be vulnerable and close to tears and can't stand the slightest bit of impatience. I'm so on edge.
I don't want to tell them, and they're nice people, most of them, why I am so sensitive and stressed out all the time. I want to do the sports and go home after and feel satisfied. It's the first time after a long period of absence that's the hardest, I know it'll be easier after that. Ugh.
What I've seen in myself, and recognised in autobiographies by other people with abusive backgrounds, is that the black hole of insecurity instilled in us is compensated by big dreams and hopes for the future.
In dark times, the insecurity rages like a tornado and gets 'balanced out' by feelings of superiority, fantasies of light.
Funny how that works; it's possible to be extremely insecure and astonishingly arrogant at the same time, thinking you're better than all the stupid people going by, busying themselves with insignificant, inferior petty stuff.
Is that the ego trying to hold on to something? Is it intimidated by it's 'owner's' insecurities and that void inside? It's not the good kind of void, I mean, not the void I'd prefer. And which I is that? Do my ego and I actually agree to a certain point?
Neither of 'us' want that void, being a nobody, and my mind, thoughts and thought processes have assisted me a great deal on my road to the other Void, or so I think. So it seems. I'm not clear on that yet. Maybe I don't need to be, I don't know.
The further I get, the more ground I can see still has to be covered. Like swimming towards a raft or beach in the distance, the closer you get, the farther away it seems to get. Then, suddenly, you're there.
The suddenly I'm there part, I'm not there yet. Obviously.
I tend to think I'm getting closer, only to discover there's endless planes of learning and I've only just begun.
Yes, I have compared myself a lot to other people, telling myself I am doing well, because others are so fake it's hard to be with them, or rather, to adapt to their fakeness. I don't speak about my interests, because I only have one when it gets down to it, and that's not something people usually want to discuss.
And why would they, if they're happy with their lives. It's me, I don't do well with chatting about weather and football, I get impatient myself, not bored exactly, but I just don't know how to respond. Would explain my lack of friends, sure, but I'd rather have two real friends than a lot of phonies.
Some people, I just want to slap them in the face. Like Ex, he's absolutely miserable and keeps wasting time by numbing his issues instead of dealing with them, despite a beautiful, generous, spiritual side that wants to learn.
But, that's none of my business and I'm finally starting to realise that although knowing better means having to do better, it doesn't mean he's my responsibility just because I have a clear view of where he is and what he can do to improve his situation.
The question here is, why do I feel responsible for other people like my sister, Ex, nephew and niece? Even if I could see things more clearly, even if I saw exactly what someone can do to get themselves out of their situation, it's not my place to tell them when they don't ask for it, is it?
Is that arrogance on my part? It may well be. But there's also a genuine concern and powerless feeling when I see my loved ones suffer as much as they do. I have to learn to let go of that feeling of responsibility, I'm no one's mother.
Is it a distraction?
Maybe I get sidetracked this way. It sure takes up a lot of time and energy. Maybe that's my way of numbing my issues. Or my ego's way of slowing things down. Is it important to know exactly what it is? Not sure about that either.
There is love and worry, too much of it; I'd be of the most help to them when I put everything into my own journey. Get 'better' myself, that way I can be there for them in a healthier way. If, at that point, I still want to.
Things seemed so clear this morning. Now it's all fuzzy again. Can hardly wait for those talks with a psychologist. Now I've been honest here, but I can still feel something nagging at the back of my mind. What is it? What am I so scared of?
I feel lost, is that it? Losing grip. Should be a good thing. Maybe just plain old fear, let's leave it at that, and it's being compensated with plenty of arrogance.
(...)
Been trying to get at it since I wrote all of the above, but I still can't put my finger on it. Only thing I'm sure of is that it's fear.
Weird though, usually I get quiet and turn my attention inward and then I just know. Weird. And how come I'm so fuzzy in the head?
The feeling's getting stronger. A sharp sensation in the middle of my chest. I could be on the edge of something.
I'm going to bed, reread Spiritually Incorrect Enlightenment again (not all of it, it's past 2 a.m.), maybe tomorrow will bring some clearity.
I don't want to tell them, and they're nice people, most of them, why I am so sensitive and stressed out all the time. I want to do the sports and go home after and feel satisfied. It's the first time after a long period of absence that's the hardest, I know it'll be easier after that. Ugh.
What I've seen in myself, and recognised in autobiographies by other people with abusive backgrounds, is that the black hole of insecurity instilled in us is compensated by big dreams and hopes for the future.
In dark times, the insecurity rages like a tornado and gets 'balanced out' by feelings of superiority, fantasies of light.
Funny how that works; it's possible to be extremely insecure and astonishingly arrogant at the same time, thinking you're better than all the stupid people going by, busying themselves with insignificant, inferior petty stuff.
Is that the ego trying to hold on to something? Is it intimidated by it's 'owner's' insecurities and that void inside? It's not the good kind of void, I mean, not the void I'd prefer. And which I is that? Do my ego and I actually agree to a certain point?
Neither of 'us' want that void, being a nobody, and my mind, thoughts and thought processes have assisted me a great deal on my road to the other Void, or so I think. So it seems. I'm not clear on that yet. Maybe I don't need to be, I don't know.
The further I get, the more ground I can see still has to be covered. Like swimming towards a raft or beach in the distance, the closer you get, the farther away it seems to get. Then, suddenly, you're there.
The suddenly I'm there part, I'm not there yet. Obviously.
I tend to think I'm getting closer, only to discover there's endless planes of learning and I've only just begun.
Yes, I have compared myself a lot to other people, telling myself I am doing well, because others are so fake it's hard to be with them, or rather, to adapt to their fakeness. I don't speak about my interests, because I only have one when it gets down to it, and that's not something people usually want to discuss.
And why would they, if they're happy with their lives. It's me, I don't do well with chatting about weather and football, I get impatient myself, not bored exactly, but I just don't know how to respond. Would explain my lack of friends, sure, but I'd rather have two real friends than a lot of phonies.
Some people, I just want to slap them in the face. Like Ex, he's absolutely miserable and keeps wasting time by numbing his issues instead of dealing with them, despite a beautiful, generous, spiritual side that wants to learn.
But, that's none of my business and I'm finally starting to realise that although knowing better means having to do better, it doesn't mean he's my responsibility just because I have a clear view of where he is and what he can do to improve his situation.
The question here is, why do I feel responsible for other people like my sister, Ex, nephew and niece? Even if I could see things more clearly, even if I saw exactly what someone can do to get themselves out of their situation, it's not my place to tell them when they don't ask for it, is it?
Is that arrogance on my part? It may well be. But there's also a genuine concern and powerless feeling when I see my loved ones suffer as much as they do. I have to learn to let go of that feeling of responsibility, I'm no one's mother.
Is it a distraction?
Maybe I get sidetracked this way. It sure takes up a lot of time and energy. Maybe that's my way of numbing my issues. Or my ego's way of slowing things down. Is it important to know exactly what it is? Not sure about that either.
There is love and worry, too much of it; I'd be of the most help to them when I put everything into my own journey. Get 'better' myself, that way I can be there for them in a healthier way. If, at that point, I still want to.
Things seemed so clear this morning. Now it's all fuzzy again. Can hardly wait for those talks with a psychologist. Now I've been honest here, but I can still feel something nagging at the back of my mind. What is it? What am I so scared of?
I feel lost, is that it? Losing grip. Should be a good thing. Maybe just plain old fear, let's leave it at that, and it's being compensated with plenty of arrogance.
(...)
Been trying to get at it since I wrote all of the above, but I still can't put my finger on it. Only thing I'm sure of is that it's fear.
Weird though, usually I get quiet and turn my attention inward and then I just know. Weird. And how come I'm so fuzzy in the head?
The feeling's getting stronger. A sharp sensation in the middle of my chest. I could be on the edge of something.
I'm going to bed, reread Spiritually Incorrect Enlightenment again (not all of it, it's past 2 a.m.), maybe tomorrow will bring some clearity.
posted by M. at 12:07 AM
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