Pleasant
Once again, I don’t know what to write. I have this feeling that I’m headed for a slump again, or a lull, or whatever it’s called. A period of recovery and adjustment.
I’ve started noticing that my body responds differently to small gestures, touches and exercises lately. Small, gentle things having a big effect on the workings in my body. I was a big gesture, big moves person, I needed hard, clashing. Now the slightest thing can have a huge effect on my body. Like doing the Salute to the Sun, to loosen my muscles; suddenly there’s so much relaxation radiating from my chest, it’s amazing. I actually see the point in doing that exercise now!
Today I was very touchy feely with some of my colleagues, in a non-offensive way; I gave one guy (a real sweet kid) three gentle birthday kisses on his cheeks; soft, light, with my full attention, to make sure he felt my affection - as opposed to the rushed obligatory kind of kiss where you barely touch a person’s cheek. It felt different. Good, warm. I rested my chin on a woman’s head; she was doing work on the computer and I came to see what she was doing, it came naturally, I just felt like resting my chin on her white hair and she didn’t mind.
It’s good to be touching more. I’m able now. Able to do it without any sexual connotations. It just presents itself to me and I don’t stop to think, because if it makes itself known to me, it must be an okay thing to do.
It moves me, to see how the trust thing is already developing. It feels like home. I’m becoming who I want to be, who I’ve always wanted to be. It’s pleasant. No fireworks or big announcements. It just feels pleasant. Things are changing inside me.
There’s no need to do the intense writing bit tonight. I don’t feel guilty for not doing it. It feels right to release that sense of urgency.
Trust implies no urgency, right? Trust implies everything will happen in it’s own time, at the exact right time. Trust means relaxing into it, letting Life take my little boat merrily down the stream, so I can enjoy the view. Nice change of scenery. Interesting to see what I will change into, what I will become.
No doubt; when it’s time for Further, there will be a Further motion, my intuition will tell me and I’ll obey and go with it. No kicking and screaming all the way. I like this relaxed feeling, it’s so foreign to me, I’d like to experience it more often. And I will. I will. I think I like who I am now. I like where this is going. Thank you.
There’s so much going on in my chest right now. Just writing about this stirs up all kinds of things, see how sensitive I’ve become? I’ve always been very, very sensitive, but also strained and tense to the point that I needed those big shakes and moves to have any effect on me. Now subtle works. I used to be so tense that subtle would hardly register, if at all. Sure, there’s still the pain in neck and shoulders, but at the moment I don’t feel the urge or need to take painkillers, all I want is explore these feelings. It’s interesting. I think I could just go to bed and simply lie there, experiencing what is going on in my body. Pleasant. I am so grateful.
Grateful for so many things, including my brains, haha! My love for logic, my extreme curiosity and need for not exactly knowledge, but to know how things work, how they operate on every level, to know what’s behind the curtains, the workings of the universe and how I fit into it. Very grateful. I love my intuition. I have this great inner compass, really, it’s awesome.
This is starting to resemble an Oscar speech.
Oh, what strange feelings; lovely and strange.
I think I might start reading Moby Dick, I ordered a cute hardcover edition, it was smaller than I expected; tiny, like a little bible, dark red cover and gold rimmed pages. Curious to see how the difficult English will be for me. It might be useful not to understand every single word in a book so well-written and beautiful (the bits in Jed’s book appealed to me).
My chest is all warm and fuzzy. I feel like giggling. Oh my god, I’m turning into a teenage girl! Haha, just kidding. Mm… nice. ***
I’ve started noticing that my body responds differently to small gestures, touches and exercises lately. Small, gentle things having a big effect on the workings in my body. I was a big gesture, big moves person, I needed hard, clashing. Now the slightest thing can have a huge effect on my body. Like doing the Salute to the Sun, to loosen my muscles; suddenly there’s so much relaxation radiating from my chest, it’s amazing. I actually see the point in doing that exercise now!
Today I was very touchy feely with some of my colleagues, in a non-offensive way; I gave one guy (a real sweet kid) three gentle birthday kisses on his cheeks; soft, light, with my full attention, to make sure he felt my affection - as opposed to the rushed obligatory kind of kiss where you barely touch a person’s cheek. It felt different. Good, warm. I rested my chin on a woman’s head; she was doing work on the computer and I came to see what she was doing, it came naturally, I just felt like resting my chin on her white hair and she didn’t mind.
It’s good to be touching more. I’m able now. Able to do it without any sexual connotations. It just presents itself to me and I don’t stop to think, because if it makes itself known to me, it must be an okay thing to do.
It moves me, to see how the trust thing is already developing. It feels like home. I’m becoming who I want to be, who I’ve always wanted to be. It’s pleasant. No fireworks or big announcements. It just feels pleasant. Things are changing inside me.
There’s no need to do the intense writing bit tonight. I don’t feel guilty for not doing it. It feels right to release that sense of urgency.
Trust implies no urgency, right? Trust implies everything will happen in it’s own time, at the exact right time. Trust means relaxing into it, letting Life take my little boat merrily down the stream, so I can enjoy the view. Nice change of scenery. Interesting to see what I will change into, what I will become.
No doubt; when it’s time for Further, there will be a Further motion, my intuition will tell me and I’ll obey and go with it. No kicking and screaming all the way. I like this relaxed feeling, it’s so foreign to me, I’d like to experience it more often. And I will. I will. I think I like who I am now. I like where this is going. Thank you.
There’s so much going on in my chest right now. Just writing about this stirs up all kinds of things, see how sensitive I’ve become? I’ve always been very, very sensitive, but also strained and tense to the point that I needed those big shakes and moves to have any effect on me. Now subtle works. I used to be so tense that subtle would hardly register, if at all. Sure, there’s still the pain in neck and shoulders, but at the moment I don’t feel the urge or need to take painkillers, all I want is explore these feelings. It’s interesting. I think I could just go to bed and simply lie there, experiencing what is going on in my body. Pleasant. I am so grateful.
Grateful for so many things, including my brains, haha! My love for logic, my extreme curiosity and need for not exactly knowledge, but to know how things work, how they operate on every level, to know what’s behind the curtains, the workings of the universe and how I fit into it. Very grateful. I love my intuition. I have this great inner compass, really, it’s awesome.
This is starting to resemble an Oscar speech.
Oh, what strange feelings; lovely and strange.
I think I might start reading Moby Dick, I ordered a cute hardcover edition, it was smaller than I expected; tiny, like a little bible, dark red cover and gold rimmed pages. Curious to see how the difficult English will be for me. It might be useful not to understand every single word in a book so well-written and beautiful (the bits in Jed’s book appealed to me).
My chest is all warm and fuzzy. I feel like giggling. Oh my god, I’m turning into a teenage girl! Haha, just kidding. Mm… nice. ***
posted by M. at 1:13 AM
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