Right
It went well. We were supposed to talk for about an hour, instead we talked for nearly two. I went in with caution, yet without grudges or resentment. With open mind and heart. I needed some time to adjust, where I kept eyeing him to check for his reaction to the things I was saying, but after a while I came into my own, found my voice; when he said he didn't know much about me I carefully started to talk and gradually became more relaxed/balanced/in the moment.
I told him about my life, about who I am and choose to be, about the way I handle and look at my life. How I go about changing it, reprogramming myself, building me up from nothing, from a negative space filled with, well, crap.
I politely and gently 'refused' some of his suggestions by saying that experience has shown that those methods aren't right for me, but I could see how it would work for others; I then focused on useful parts of the things he said, making sure to tell him it was helpful and I could work with that.
While I was telling him my life story and how I try to deal with it, I actually saw his eyes tearing up. I squashed a spark of smugness.
A moment later I got back into authenticity, with no ulterior motives, genuinely trying to make it about getting somewhere together, instead of me against him. It was a victory cos we both came out winners.
I didn't bring up last time, neither did he, well a little but I gently steered around it so we could proceed with a clean slate.
I told him I understand how it must be difficult for people with a nice background - here I used 'a friend' to illustrate my point, so I wouldn't offend him - to get how hard it is to rewrite history, reprogramme yourself, and how hard the simple things are because of that; like doing dishes or getting up in the morning (/afternoon). No task is simple or small when depression and fear have shrunk your world to the size of a peanut.
The attack/defense mindset was absent. Yeah baby!
Afterwards I went to sit somewhere with a salad and pineapple juice to celebrate; this is the direction I want my life to take. This approach is light and interesting.
When the meeting had ended and I was on my way to a few hours of sun on my face I realised what my fear had been: I was afraid of losing myself in connecting with others. A very realistic fear, since that is what happened before. But that was before, and now the opportunities to connect present themselves because I'm ready and the time is right, apparently.
I told him about my life, about who I am and choose to be, about the way I handle and look at my life. How I go about changing it, reprogramming myself, building me up from nothing, from a negative space filled with, well, crap.
I politely and gently 'refused' some of his suggestions by saying that experience has shown that those methods aren't right for me, but I could see how it would work for others; I then focused on useful parts of the things he said, making sure to tell him it was helpful and I could work with that.
While I was telling him my life story and how I try to deal with it, I actually saw his eyes tearing up. I squashed a spark of smugness.
A moment later I got back into authenticity, with no ulterior motives, genuinely trying to make it about getting somewhere together, instead of me against him. It was a victory cos we both came out winners.
I didn't bring up last time, neither did he, well a little but I gently steered around it so we could proceed with a clean slate.
I told him I understand how it must be difficult for people with a nice background - here I used 'a friend' to illustrate my point, so I wouldn't offend him - to get how hard it is to rewrite history, reprogramme yourself, and how hard the simple things are because of that; like doing dishes or getting up in the morning (/afternoon). No task is simple or small when depression and fear have shrunk your world to the size of a peanut.
The attack/defense mindset was absent. Yeah baby!
Afterwards I went to sit somewhere with a salad and pineapple juice to celebrate; this is the direction I want my life to take. This approach is light and interesting.
When the meeting had ended and I was on my way to a few hours of sun on my face I realised what my fear had been: I was afraid of losing myself in connecting with others. A very realistic fear, since that is what happened before. But that was before, and now the opportunities to connect present themselves because I'm ready and the time is right, apparently.
posted by M. at 12:01 AM
1 Comments:
Good for you! :)
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