Your prize is your demise

Cried my eyes out during the tapping summit. Now I've bought a 12 session pass for floating. Eleven left, once a week. It's the only time I feel relaxed, right after the floating, so maybe it will teach my body about relaxation. For the coming months I'm set. 

Other than that I feel deflated and depressed. Useless. A failure, especially when it comes to painting.

The way I used to talk about my past was emotionless. I could tell the tale, but didn't feel anything while doing so. It seems that after all this time, decades later, I am feeling the fear, the pain, the shame. Apparently it was covered in layers of dirt and now I cry about it when something breaches the surface. A simple cry. An honest cry.

Just now, after forty years, starting to see the magnitude of the devastation that is the past. The horrors, the terror, the all-encompassing sense of danger, of not being safe in the world. Of being rejected and attacked for being me.

I can feel it right now, in my gut, and how it's contracting in painful knots as it does so often.

- 

Your prize

Is your demise

The trophy won by no-one

In a single player contest

A symphony of clay

Hollow characters at play

Baking till breaking

Ends the day

-

Just being terrifies me. Instead I prefer fleeing the now, escaping into memories, fantasies; numbing the present with all kinds of stuff, even fears, so at least I won't be there (here) to experience the greatest fear of all. Being with what is. Without filters of dirt.

Last night I felt dread again, but I didn't use a technique to get rid of it. I looked at it with curiosity, excitement even. It was just a peek, and another peek this morning, at another way of being.

- 

Been having a sour, sickening pain in my right shoulder and hip, lower back. 

Still haven't gone for a walk. 

After floating I cycle to a favorite bench beside the water and listen to the waves, look at the clouds. It's my weekly outing. Rest of the time I am at home, in the yard, or watching DVDs in my bedroom. 

Plenty of doubt and fear and feelings of uselessness, of wasting my life. 

I am okay with awakening only being the beginning (instead of the end goal I believed it to be), that's an acceptable way to live; processing and adjusting to awakeness (this is not a clear way of saying it, but I don't have the words today). Anything else just isn't worth it. 

There's a huge part of me drowning in shoulds. Alllll the things I should be doing, all the chores, all the maintenance of body, yard, house, cats, contact, everything. I'm drowning myself in it, choking myself with shoulds and condemnation.

A small part says Don't - wait for Life to do it, you'll feel like it eventually. After which the other part screams "it's not getting done!! It needs to be this week, or its not possible anymore!!" (Hedge related issues.)

Even while not doing any of the shoulds I get exhausted. Struggling against myself. It's ridiculous. Oh and judging myself, yes. All the fucking time.

Wise man

Moves with wind

Dumb-ass

Passes gas