Hook, line and sinker

My mother is a narcissistic monster. My father too, but he's mostly out of my life. When do I get to live? All this time spent on her, limiting what I can do for my own life. Letting her take and take and take because she's old? Everybody gets old and dies. 

Me too. I am forty five with no life to speak of and here I am again, wasting energy on this monster. 

Of course I am the one I am angry with, because apparently I did have some hidden beliefs about how low she was able to go. So in that sense, this is good. I am enraged. So my beliefs have come to the foreground and now I can hopefully see them clearer. 

Also my attachment to some items, even though I know what happened before when I got too attached to something. It got stolen. By burglars, instead of my mother, but the effect was the same. At the time I knew it too; I had an attachment that was too strong and I was getting assistance on letting go.

This time all of this other stuff is tangled up in it, how she's always giving my sister things, money, help, and the first time she gave me something was when I had saved up for it already because it was something she had been promising for five years and her promises mean shit. She wanted to look good so quickly sent it before I could buy it myself.

A narcissistic monster, successfully pitting me against my sister with shit like this. At least now I'm writing it out of my system, regardless of people's opinion of me, which has held me back far too long as well. Why do I care so, so much? It's ridiculous. What have those other people ever done for me but ridicule me, mock, attack and belittle me? Fuck them. Fuck all of them.

And so what if there is an added element of something violent from a previous life? FUCK THAT SO HARD. Let them kill me again. Fuck them. Fuck this shit. I am alive right now and might not be tomorrow and I can't let other people dictate my life this way, or in any way. It's MY life. Fuck off. 

Thanks to that fucking monster all this shit is finally at the surface where it belongs. I have cared so much about other people's feelings for so fucking long. Fuck them, Fuck all of you. I matter. This is my life, and if I'm to get rid of having to live another, you should matter to me for absolutely zero percent. Fuck all y'all. 

Thanks monster. Narcissistic fucking monster manipulator. No more excuses, I have been through so much evil crap too and I still try at least to be decent to others. (Except now, please go Fuck yourselves, thank you.) It's inexcusable what you've done to me, this character, even though it's all like perfect or whatever. In the context of this character, you've been a piece of shit. To her. I understand you but I hate you for what you've done. Fuck you so much. And thank you for bringing this to the surface with your extreme, ridiculously egotistical actions. The universe thanks you. Now go fuck off.

I wasn't aware of the strong attachment to the thing she stole. Or is it the sheer audacity of not even trying to hide it? Flaunting it. Does it matter?

What is behind this? What belief. I am not allowed to feel. I am not allowed to express my feelings. I am and have been actually surrounded by assholes. But now I am not allowing myself to feel and express certain feelings. Why? Because of some belief that I have to be a certain way, to be good enough to be in the world? To make up for being a leech on society? So I have to be holier than thou? All forgiveness and understanding and shit. Doormat with welcome on it. Please wipe your feet when you trample all over me. Thank you for dumping your dirt on me, that's what I'm fucking here for apparently.

We'll, I'm glad this has come out now. Everything has to eventually. Nothing can be held back. It all has to go, which makes me sad as well. Forty five years of a character's ... characteristics. 

I'm crying now, because it's losing another bit of myself, another bit of precious debris. Full on crying in the backyard, with a cat on my lap. Life.

And there it is again, perfectly timed; the daily 10am reminder "Life knows better than you what you want and need." Laughing. And so it is. Thank you.