Low lands

Life wants to be me

In all my motherfucking glory

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Χριστός ανέστη 

Got woken up by a light, a window pane like light in my left hand (sticking out from under the pillow) as if a phone had just turned on. Looked under the sheet to see if my lost old phone was suddenly there, but of course it wasn't because it's been lost for years. Then checked to see if moonlight could have shone right into my hand. But the curtains were closed, it was overcast and the moon is only visible through that window in the evening, not late at night/early in the morning, plus the openings on the rail aren't big enough.

So a light blue/white glowing left hand on Easter morning. Okay. 

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"Every man partakes of the divine nature in both his spirit and his flesh. That is why the mystery of Christ is not simply a mystery for a particular creed: it is universal. The struggle between God and man breaks out in everyone, together with the longing for reconciliation."

"The stronger the soul and the flesh, the more fruitful the struggle and the richer the final harmony. [...] The Spirit wants to have to wrestle with flesh which is strong and full of resistance."

"Struggle between the flesh and the spirit, rebellion and resistance, reconciliation and submission, and finally - the Supreme purpose of the struggle - union with God: this was the ascent taken by Christ, the ascent which he invites us to take as well, following in his bloody tracks."

The Last Temptation of Christ: prologue.

- Nikos Kazantzakis.

"The stronger the soul and the flesh, the more fruitful the struggle and the richer the final harmony." 

So I have that going for me, which is nice.

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Sounds have been grating over my nerves. Feel like a caged animal forced to listen to shit music and loud noises all fucking day until well into the night. Exhausting. Hunted, persecuted, that's what it feels like. Probably some former life stuff mixed in. Can't hear music outside which means the cunt has put the music against the wall. Fucking bitch. 

Never trust a person who says "please tell me when I make too much noise, I don't want to be a nuisance to neighbors." Those people are the nuisances. Washing machine at 1:30 am, music all fucking day and stomping until 2:00 am as well, but no, no nuisance honey. Please die. 

(...)

Omg the silence. How lovely the sound of the wind through the birch tree's branches. She's out for a few minutes and it's divine. Birds chirping. Wind. Distant traffic. * sigh *

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Eat, worry, watch tv, sleep. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Then repeat again.

"I am enough"-tapping once a day. Have been for weeks now. Can't un-plateau a plateau apparently.

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Drag myself out of bed. Drag myself through the day. Bury myself in my phone. Watch tv, eat too much, drag myself to bed. Repeat. With the added bonus of a loud, obnoxious soundtrack by the shrew next door, who elevated her game during car races on tv. For some reason it compelled her to scream "WHITE POWER" in the yard at the top of her lungs. It must be me, assholes are mystically drawn to me. 

I remembered the other neighbor, the one next to her, saying to me "at least you got nice neighbors" after my neighbor died and they moved in........

They like him and his girlfriend. He likes them. He has two black kids... I know bipolar disorder is a bitch, and she screamed lots of other nonsense as well, but yelling "white power" because of a car race is not just weird and awful in general, but woman, you have black kids living next door to you, blurt something else if you just can't help yourself. Like "why shower?" or something. It was shocking and upsetting - they're neighbors and they like each-other (???) - and I just prayed the kids didn't hear it. Holland is a sewer. 

Yes, I am completely taken over by the story again, so what? That must be what Life wants at this moment. No breaks, just loudness, music and non-stop talking in the most obnoxious loud voice I have ever heard. Okay, done complaining. 

Seriously worn out though. Half numb, half deflated. Tired of everything, depressed by all the fucking racism and screwing over of everyone except rich people by the psychopath in charge of this country for over 10 years now.

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Looks like he's getting 4 more years! 

Rage, desperation, hopelessness. 

Must be effects of the weekly floating as well. The relaxation afterwards is short, but deep within my body. Old pain is probably slowly getting released this way. Can't think very clearly. I've been feeling so rotten it's like the past couple of months every day was premenstrual and/or pre-full moon. In tears, rattled, angry, scared, hopeless.

Watching Big Brother Australia with my mother on whatsapp, reading Twitter, doing the daily language lesson on Duo, sleeping, eating, watching series, petting the cats, hugging the cats, photographing the cats, chasing the cats out of the kitchen, occasionally tapping and a bit of dancing to African percussion the last couple of days - carefully because of the nauseating, ever present pain in my shoulder. 

Sat at the water's edge again today, my favorite spot after floating. The slow, deep sound of a boat's engine as it slides through the water, so comforting.