Sick of It
Yup, sick and tired. I will be of no more use to my environment after I'm done. I've expressed my concerns to my boyfriend and he thinks he's able to live with someone who's awake, but that's only because he has no clue as to what it entails. I for sure didn't. Now I do have a clue and it makes me sick to my stomach. I really have to say goodbye, there's no other way.
My friends will survive, my sister will survive although we were pretty close, my parents surely will considering the modest amount of contact we have, but my sweet, my sweet.. how on earth is he going to react? He will have lost yet another partner, he will look for me but I will be gone and I don't know how this shell is going to behave. It's possible I'll stay, it's probable that I'll leave and hide some place where I can be alone, far away from people in general.
I finished reading the book. Jed wonders who would choose this role, and doesn't believe there is anyone who would consciously choose the role of captain Ahab, but I have to tell you man: I did choose this. Although in accordance with the universe. The weird thing is that I have the sense I recognize enlightenment, I can tell true and false apart. It makes me wonder if maybe I have been enlightened in another time and place and decided to do it again but only after enduring all of the crappy things life's play has to offer, so I can understand what people are going through. But it's just an idea and not important for where I am now.
Point is, I looked into the abyss today and I don't like what I saw. Of course it's too late to turn back now, because that would mean throwing away everything I've lived for uptil now. How could I? This is all I lived for and it's going down the drain. There goes my destiny, nothing will be left. I set myself up for this and now.. it all seemed much prettier when I didn't know so much about the state I will be in. No sugary sweet aura, no golden sparks of love flying off in all directions. No wise woman giving out advice to spiritually hungry visitors.
The no bullshit-mentality, yeah, I like that, that's okay, but I'm scared. Scared! No one to comfort me and push me ahead anyway. No one to wait for me at the other side, no one to tell me: M., it's very brave what you're doing, but there is a not-so-slight possibility that you will go stark raving mad, so here's my email address, write me when you're scared.
I want a Jed! I want a Jed McKenna I can write to when I'm scared out of my wits as I am now. God I'm nauseous.. it's so steep. I'm afraid of heights you know.
M.
My friends will survive, my sister will survive although we were pretty close, my parents surely will considering the modest amount of contact we have, but my sweet, my sweet.. how on earth is he going to react? He will have lost yet another partner, he will look for me but I will be gone and I don't know how this shell is going to behave. It's possible I'll stay, it's probable that I'll leave and hide some place where I can be alone, far away from people in general.
I finished reading the book. Jed wonders who would choose this role, and doesn't believe there is anyone who would consciously choose the role of captain Ahab, but I have to tell you man: I did choose this. Although in accordance with the universe. The weird thing is that I have the sense I recognize enlightenment, I can tell true and false apart. It makes me wonder if maybe I have been enlightened in another time and place and decided to do it again but only after enduring all of the crappy things life's play has to offer, so I can understand what people are going through. But it's just an idea and not important for where I am now.
Point is, I looked into the abyss today and I don't like what I saw. Of course it's too late to turn back now, because that would mean throwing away everything I've lived for uptil now. How could I? This is all I lived for and it's going down the drain. There goes my destiny, nothing will be left. I set myself up for this and now.. it all seemed much prettier when I didn't know so much about the state I will be in. No sugary sweet aura, no golden sparks of love flying off in all directions. No wise woman giving out advice to spiritually hungry visitors.
The no bullshit-mentality, yeah, I like that, that's okay, but I'm scared. Scared! No one to comfort me and push me ahead anyway. No one to wait for me at the other side, no one to tell me: M., it's very brave what you're doing, but there is a not-so-slight possibility that you will go stark raving mad, so here's my email address, write me when you're scared.
I want a Jed! I want a Jed McKenna I can write to when I'm scared out of my wits as I am now. God I'm nauseous.. it's so steep. I'm afraid of heights you know.
M.
posted by M. at 3:21 AM
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