Some dark place
You ask for light and you wind up in one of the darkest places you've ever been. Hilarious, just hilarious. If it wasn't so scary.
Trying to keep the sliding feeling at bay by eating cookies, amazing how well that works, for a short time at least. I can't be in the vicinity of people right now, my boyfriend advised me to be around people because I feel so depressed, but for me that's not the way to go. When I'm around people I pull up the mask, I make jokes, I smile and feel absolutely horrible. When I'm alone, I can be as miserable as necessary, which to me means I can go through the whole process much faster. That's what I like to believe anyway, I just don't feel comfortable around 'normal' people when I'm such a mess as I am now. I don't know how to behave, what to say, et cetera. Maybe I'm scared people will judge me, but I don't see the necessity in being vulnerable when I'm at my worst. I feel like I'm an open wound.
Pretty scared too. Just an hour ago I felt like I was sliding towards a hole in the ground, it was very scary, the hole seems bottomless. I am so scared I could lose it altogether. There is a not-so-slight possibility I will go nuts. There isn't anybody who can help me, who could understand what I'm going through and why? They can't.
Please let there be light at the end of this tunnel, I sure as hell can't see it. Is this waking up? Maybe it's better to be sleeping after all. I feel a little like Neo in the Matrix, except there's no group of people who have gone through the same thing to catch me when I fall out of the dream. I don't know what to do except keep writing.
M.
Trying to keep the sliding feeling at bay by eating cookies, amazing how well that works, for a short time at least. I can't be in the vicinity of people right now, my boyfriend advised me to be around people because I feel so depressed, but for me that's not the way to go. When I'm around people I pull up the mask, I make jokes, I smile and feel absolutely horrible. When I'm alone, I can be as miserable as necessary, which to me means I can go through the whole process much faster. That's what I like to believe anyway, I just don't feel comfortable around 'normal' people when I'm such a mess as I am now. I don't know how to behave, what to say, et cetera. Maybe I'm scared people will judge me, but I don't see the necessity in being vulnerable when I'm at my worst. I feel like I'm an open wound.
Pretty scared too. Just an hour ago I felt like I was sliding towards a hole in the ground, it was very scary, the hole seems bottomless. I am so scared I could lose it altogether. There is a not-so-slight possibility I will go nuts. There isn't anybody who can help me, who could understand what I'm going through and why? They can't.
Please let there be light at the end of this tunnel, I sure as hell can't see it. Is this waking up? Maybe it's better to be sleeping after all. I feel a little like Neo in the Matrix, except there's no group of people who have gone through the same thing to catch me when I fall out of the dream. I don't know what to do except keep writing.
M.
posted by M. at 3:11 AM
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