What abyss? There is no abyss. Look at that beautiful flower overthere. Feel a draft?
I'm not sure what to write. I'm still nauseous. But it's soothing to just jot something down. It scares me that I finished reading the book though, it was kind of comforting to have some pages left. Now I'm on my own again.
This spiritual autolysis made me think of the first time I wrote everything down with an invisible audience in mind, it was, say, twelve years ago. I filled pages and pages with dark, hateful, angry words, selfpity, sadness, despair, very emotional stuff. After I filled a big notebook I read it and decided to throw the journal away, I ripped it into tiny pieces and stuffed it in a container for recycling. Very politically correct. I've also burned things that were just too scary to have laying around the house. Well I'm not going to burn this one (duh! It's digital!). Maybe it can be of some use in the future, to me, to someone else, you never know. I just didn't expect I'd have to go through another patch of writing down my darkest fears experiencing total desperation.
My sister called, despite efforts of the medical staff in the hospital where she went today, her baby is still in the same position, they're going to have to perform a caesarian on her. It was weird, I know she's terrified because of the risks, but I didn't even say I'm sorry, I wasn't empathetic at all. This while she's the one I hold closest to my heart.. The only thing I said was that I didn't have time to speak to her because I had to go.
Now for something different I've been wondering about. What's the deal with loving beings like The Dalai Lama and Sonaya? They seem to be in an entirely different realm of existence even though they're not enlightened. I didn't notice myself becoming any more loving and caring et cetera and that was something I had expected would happen. I imagined an awake 'person' to exude kindness, friendliness, acceptance, love, you name it. But as I understand from reading Jed's books, it's nothing like that. It's just life, but then awake.
I don't get it though, they seem so totally different and so much more evolved it wouldn't be enough to just call them Human Adults. There's more to it than that.
Maybe it's what you put your energy into that becomes reality. If I focused on becoming this loving, wonderful, warm and caring person, maybe that's exactly what I would turn into. And because I didn't, I will 'just' wake up, without any trimmings, without 'special' experiences, without being able to sleep on a bed of nails (I greatly prefer my wonderful mattress) and, alas, without the unconditional love thing. Or maybe Jed just forgot to mention the perks. There must be some. Please let there be perks.
***M.
This spiritual autolysis made me think of the first time I wrote everything down with an invisible audience in mind, it was, say, twelve years ago. I filled pages and pages with dark, hateful, angry words, selfpity, sadness, despair, very emotional stuff. After I filled a big notebook I read it and decided to throw the journal away, I ripped it into tiny pieces and stuffed it in a container for recycling. Very politically correct. I've also burned things that were just too scary to have laying around the house. Well I'm not going to burn this one (duh! It's digital!). Maybe it can be of some use in the future, to me, to someone else, you never know. I just didn't expect I'd have to go through another patch of writing down my darkest fears experiencing total desperation.
My sister called, despite efforts of the medical staff in the hospital where she went today, her baby is still in the same position, they're going to have to perform a caesarian on her. It was weird, I know she's terrified because of the risks, but I didn't even say I'm sorry, I wasn't empathetic at all. This while she's the one I hold closest to my heart.. The only thing I said was that I didn't have time to speak to her because I had to go.
Now for something different I've been wondering about. What's the deal with loving beings like The Dalai Lama and Sonaya? They seem to be in an entirely different realm of existence even though they're not enlightened. I didn't notice myself becoming any more loving and caring et cetera and that was something I had expected would happen. I imagined an awake 'person' to exude kindness, friendliness, acceptance, love, you name it. But as I understand from reading Jed's books, it's nothing like that. It's just life, but then awake.
I don't get it though, they seem so totally different and so much more evolved it wouldn't be enough to just call them Human Adults. There's more to it than that.
Maybe it's what you put your energy into that becomes reality. If I focused on becoming this loving, wonderful, warm and caring person, maybe that's exactly what I would turn into. And because I didn't, I will 'just' wake up, without any trimmings, without 'special' experiences, without being able to sleep on a bed of nails (I greatly prefer my wonderful mattress) and, alas, without the unconditional love thing. Or maybe Jed just forgot to mention the perks. There must be some. Please let there be perks.
***M.
posted by M. at 10:25 AM
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