Maelstrom

The hurt in my heart for my ex is a tool for change. I hope. It was relatively easy to let go of others, but not him and I don't know why. The absence of contact has left a gaping hole inside of me and it scares me. Like there's a maelstrom and when I give in and surrender it will drag me down, to... where?
I wonder if change felt so physically is common. Usually there's a churning around the rib area and the solar plexus, something pulling and grinding and gnawing. Hard to describe.

I get so tired sometimes. So much has happened in my life. The past few weeks have been the first period of rest I've had in... as far as I can remember.
The neighbours have returned.
I get tired sometimes, and frustrated. Very frustrated and angry with my life. God, the Universe, Life, Whatever, seems to expect of me a neverending patience, the patience of an angel or a monk.
Or maybe not, and the frustration is part of the struggle.
What would it say about me when I would be an obedient slave, without an opinion or mood? I'm no saint. I've been through shit, loads of it. I've been used as a doormat, and have fighted to change that something inside me that allowed people to use me like that.
I used to turn the other cheek, but not in a saintly way, but out of fear. Now I prefer to fight, struggle, even though the battlefield is inside me and all the outside world can see is this nervous insecure girl.

One of my tricks is to write words on my hand, to help remind me of important things, like Further, W.U.F. - Wake Up First, What's Right? and Sincerity. Sincerity is my latest reminder.
When selfpity arises, or I feel hurt and I'm not sure whether it's because I think I'm supposed to feel hurt in a certain situation or the hurt is real, I remind myself: sincerity. Then my heart gets in line. Course correcting.

My book is what keeps me going. After waking up, that's my main goal. Actually, those are my only two goals and they go hand in hand. Nothing else matters.