Stops along the way
Hurting. Maybe because I'm slowly coming out of survivor mode. The moments of quiet do that; they allow the deeper hurt to come to the surface. Odd how you can go over and over different painful memories without actually feeling them, they don't get to sink in.
Like a broken record, playing the same song over and over again without you even hearing it anymore. You just know you're supposed to like or dislike it, more out of habit than anything else. But what does it really do?
Right, so my father kicked the shit out of me and after the second time I pushed him down the stairs. But how does that feel, really? What did it do to me? Never really gave it much thought. Had to go on, there were so many problems and dangers in my world. Maybe in my time with a psychologist we will deal with issues like that. It's obviously necessary, things like that don't go away by themselves.
There's no shortcut from a 'negative' ego to no-ego. It's a process with many stops along the way. Unfortunately. I don't want to have to deal with my daddy issues. I don't want to have to deal with him, it's too painful. But I'm afraid that's what I have to do to get any Further.
Maybe I can. It's not all bad. There's also more and more moments of that wonderful inner quiet, a feeling of soft silky peace, of not needing anything, not wanting anything but just being there. Most of those moments occur when I'm sitting outside. Viva la deck chair.
I've been physically nauseous tonight though, I guess that's the effect it has on me. Scraping the bottom of the well tends to muddy the waters.
And of course I've been eating, excuse me, stuffing myself lately, I can't stop eating, too scared what I might feel underneath. It will pass, but I'm having a difficult time with damage control, it's a struggle.
I notice right now, that in my mind I'm playing the role of someone reading this and judging me, "what a pathetic excuse for a human being." That's my father's voice. I don't need that. I will write what I need to write.
One of the good things is I hardly feel any selfpity anymore. Not because I'm tough on myself, but well, I don't know really, it's just evaporating. The increase in clarity seems to decrease feelings of selfpity, of woe me et cetera. When I hurt, I hurt.
Yeah that's it; I hurt, but I don't suffer. There's a huge difference between the two.
So I guess that makes me okay with the hurt, since this time it comes with peace and clarity. Small price to pay.
Like a broken record, playing the same song over and over again without you even hearing it anymore. You just know you're supposed to like or dislike it, more out of habit than anything else. But what does it really do?
Right, so my father kicked the shit out of me and after the second time I pushed him down the stairs. But how does that feel, really? What did it do to me? Never really gave it much thought. Had to go on, there were so many problems and dangers in my world. Maybe in my time with a psychologist we will deal with issues like that. It's obviously necessary, things like that don't go away by themselves.
There's no shortcut from a 'negative' ego to no-ego. It's a process with many stops along the way. Unfortunately. I don't want to have to deal with my daddy issues. I don't want to have to deal with him, it's too painful. But I'm afraid that's what I have to do to get any Further.
Maybe I can. It's not all bad. There's also more and more moments of that wonderful inner quiet, a feeling of soft silky peace, of not needing anything, not wanting anything but just being there. Most of those moments occur when I'm sitting outside. Viva la deck chair.
I've been physically nauseous tonight though, I guess that's the effect it has on me. Scraping the bottom of the well tends to muddy the waters.
And of course I've been eating, excuse me, stuffing myself lately, I can't stop eating, too scared what I might feel underneath. It will pass, but I'm having a difficult time with damage control, it's a struggle.
I notice right now, that in my mind I'm playing the role of someone reading this and judging me, "what a pathetic excuse for a human being." That's my father's voice. I don't need that. I will write what I need to write.
One of the good things is I hardly feel any selfpity anymore. Not because I'm tough on myself, but well, I don't know really, it's just evaporating. The increase in clarity seems to decrease feelings of selfpity, of woe me et cetera. When I hurt, I hurt.
Yeah that's it; I hurt, but I don't suffer. There's a huge difference between the two.
So I guess that makes me okay with the hurt, since this time it comes with peace and clarity. Small price to pay.
posted by M. at 8:47 PM
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