I'm a girl
A gentle rocking, some soft touches, huge effect. My physiotherapist tried something new and at first I told him I was a bit scared, since I haven't been touched without aggressive or selfish intentions in two years. Bit apprehensive, wet eyes, all that. The slightest of touches, so I didn't expect much result, but I felt a softness in myself as I was cycling home.
There's a hard side to me which has protected me and sometimes comes out as bitter sarcasm. It's hard to describe or pin down, it's something in my bearing and yesterday it had melted away after just a few gentle touches of two warm well meaning hands. It literally felt as if something hard had liquefied, melted away, I felt soft and feminine.
Warning sign flashing: showing vulnerability is dangerous.
At home I decided to make a small bed of pillows next to the radiator and I lay there listening to music and looking out of the window at the tiny leaves of the birch tree dancing in the wind. Gray clouds passed by, the sky was white and I covered myself with a woolen blanket. Then I cried for a while, softly, tired, with my whole being. The intolerable beauty of the world.
I'm so used to being treated in a harsh way I'd forgotten how well I respond to gentleness.
The hours next to the radiator showed me a softness and femininity inside me, well hidden, but there nonetheless. When it got dark I lighted some candles and incense and just lay there, experiencing this new feeling in my body. I was aware of the great beauty inside me that some people have told me about. At the time I shrugged it off, I've been told so many things.
I consciously have to tell myself it's not a disgrace to be a woman, I don't have to behave like a man. It's not a failure to be soft and vulnerable and it's not stupid or more dangerous than hiding my feminine side. It could make me more approachable.
Being one of the guys hasn't protected me from guys, now has it?
I'm going to be on the look-out for this softness, this sensation of something melting in my chest. (No, I don't have silicones.)
Gentle sadness and subtle beauty; I'll have to tell my fysiotherapist about those hours.
There's a hard side to me which has protected me and sometimes comes out as bitter sarcasm. It's hard to describe or pin down, it's something in my bearing and yesterday it had melted away after just a few gentle touches of two warm well meaning hands. It literally felt as if something hard had liquefied, melted away, I felt soft and feminine.
Warning sign flashing: showing vulnerability is dangerous.
At home I decided to make a small bed of pillows next to the radiator and I lay there listening to music and looking out of the window at the tiny leaves of the birch tree dancing in the wind. Gray clouds passed by, the sky was white and I covered myself with a woolen blanket. Then I cried for a while, softly, tired, with my whole being. The intolerable beauty of the world.
I'm so used to being treated in a harsh way I'd forgotten how well I respond to gentleness.
The hours next to the radiator showed me a softness and femininity inside me, well hidden, but there nonetheless. When it got dark I lighted some candles and incense and just lay there, experiencing this new feeling in my body. I was aware of the great beauty inside me that some people have told me about. At the time I shrugged it off, I've been told so many things.
I consciously have to tell myself it's not a disgrace to be a woman, I don't have to behave like a man. It's not a failure to be soft and vulnerable and it's not stupid or more dangerous than hiding my feminine side. It could make me more approachable.
Being one of the guys hasn't protected me from guys, now has it?
I'm going to be on the look-out for this softness, this sensation of something melting in my chest. (No, I don't have silicones.)
Gentle sadness and subtle beauty; I'll have to tell my fysiotherapist about those hours.
posted by M. at 12:13 AM
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