Hopeless

So what would happen if I let go of those high hopes for the future? I won’t be killing myself (my body anyway) since I’m in no mood to come back and do it all again, no thank you. So what terrible thing would happen? I’m already scared as hell, so no changes there, so what’s the problem? Am I holding on to keep going or am I holding on to keep from really going forward, Further?
Is it a trick? A distraction? What would happen without it and would that be such a terrible thing? My total collapse would actually be a pretty good thing, but that’s only on paper/screen, to be in it, to be unravelling, which I’m already doing anyway is damn scary when you’re in the middle of it. No place to run.
So. What would happen? Suppose I’m not going to write this important world-changing book even though I’m convinced that I will be. Suppose I won’t be a balanced person, a healthy ego, ready to fall from the tree? So what? Would that really stop me or am I just kidding myself? Is there anything that would stop me from going on like this, from writing, digging, shovelling crap out of my pond? My dank, polluted part of the world.
I thought about it in bed (where I spend most of my time now) and realized even giving up my beautiful images of the future won’t stop me now. It might happen, and it sure is indicated, but that’s not the point. The point is, can I let go of it because I’m holding on to it and I don’t want to be holding on to anything anymore. Free fall, no hanging on to outcrops of rock. It will only hurt more and delay the inevitable. Let’s pick up some speed, shall we?
This is what I’m doing, this is what’s most important to me and if I can’t get There in this life, I will die trying and I mean that literally; I will be doing Spiritual Autolysis on my deathbed, on my last breath. That’s the way I’ve lived so that’s the way I’ll die, there is nothing else. Nothing else matters this much.
The thought occurred to me though that maybe I should write in Dutch, do my autolysis process in Dutch, since that’s the language that provided the audio for my life. I grew up with it. It might be better, because I feel resistance, a sure sign it would be effective. On the other hand, most of the books I read, including Jed McKenna’s books, are in English, and a lot of the time I’m thinking in English as well. Because of TV, because of my Irish Ex.
I will leave it till later, maybe the question will answer itself, for now, I need the invisible audience and the invisible audience I write for is English speaking. Even the question might be another detour.
I’m filthy, my house is filled with dust and cobwebs and the kitchen is disgusting but I’m writing, because my cobwebs and my dust are more important roadblocks and I need to get them out of my way, the rest will follow. If not, who cares, I’m alone here. So how do I get them out of the way? Is it enough to see them for what they are? I’m not going to analyze every little thing, that takes way too much time and I have the sneaking suspicion it’s just another detour. Clever little ego, or should I say humongous ego.
What’s next?
I need to dig.
I don’t know what to do so I’m going to write down whatever pops into my head. Don’t mind family. Don’t mind work. Friends. Sports. Concern yourself with this, this is what you should be doing, that’s why you fell and hurt your foot, you needed to take a step back and contemplate stuff, get this process going again. Two steps forward, one step back, even though it always feels like ten steps forward five years back. Do this, don’t let fear hold you back, what are you afraid of anyway? People judging you? They will always be judging you, that’s what people do, no reason to be mediocre, no reason to adapt. Stop adapting!!
This is your thing! Do your thing! Stop letting others decide how you should be living your life! So what if you’re strange in their eyes, so what if you can’t explain what you’re doing, you don’t need to explain yourself. They should be explaining themselves! They should be the ones in the courtroom defending themselves for staying asleep, not doing anything to wake themselves up. Go on with what you’re doing, you were born for this and you know it in every pore of your being. This is you. You is unravelling, you is void, you is nothing and the road towards Nothing, no-thing. (Yeah, English for now.) Don’t concern yourself with other people’s opinions because is it really that terrible to be considered strange? It will help having them steer clear of you, do your work, do the work you were born to do so be brave and face the crap lurking in the corners, don’t hold back now.
Dread. Hesitation because I’m alone, doing this alone, no one to catch me when I fall. As it should be I guess. But the image of me falling in a great big void, flailing arms and legs trying to get some footing, to grab something to slow the fall… oh man scary shit. I’m really scared, I want someone to catch me, or to stand there and watch me as I fall, I don’t care, but I’ve always been alone and somehow this image frightens me more than being a hermit.
The Big Fall, the leap, the jump. Maybe it’s a case of the wrong metaphor. Crossing the border? Nah, that just doesn’t feel accurate. It feels like I’m falling and without the beautiful hopes for the future it’s a Really Big and Scary Hole I’m falling into. It’s very dark. I don’t want to be alone. Is that it?
I trust myself a lot, all things considered, but on this I want someone to be there, I want to know I’m not the only one and I’m not going to Ghostland. It might be exactly where I’m going though. I won’t be who I was to all the people who thought they knew me.
Can I trust myself enough to jump? Do I need someone there? Can I trust?
Oh god I’m scared.
Look at the fears, you had them all before. It’s old stuff. Nothing is true. Nothing they told you is true. You don’t have to believe it anymore.
My ego just asked me: but what do I believe in when I stop believing in what they told me? That’s what was true to me all of this life. I have to believe in something. I keep seeing this in images. My ego as a scared me, looking around at an empty space, looking for something, an object, an idea floating by, anything to grab hold of. Treading water, kicking my legs in an empty space. Holy shit.