Tangible

Twenty minutes into the walk I wanted to turn around, go back home and write. Went on walking anyway, with blisters after three miles. Other people’s opinions. During the walk I concluded that this might be my white whale for the time being. I have a tendency to look at myself through other people’s eyes, trying to see what they see, trying to understand what they might think of me and what I do.
Even when people weren’t judging me for my somewhat unusual passion, I’d feel this need to defend myself. Still do. Always ready to be judged. Quite understandable, since I got and get judged by family members all the time, I don’t know any better, I’m brainwashed. So I have to wash it right back. I’m nervous about doing this. Bit silly since this is what I’ve been doing for most of my life, but maybe something has changed now that I put more of it in writing. Self-conscious about it.
Why should this be any sillier than anyone else’s lifestyle?
It’s not tangible. I’m working towards a goal I can’t see, that maybe doesn’t exist, and all the while I’m out of a job.
God isn’t tangible, yet millions of people believe in Him, in some way or other. They don’t need to defend themselves. Maybe I have to defend myself against myself. How do I know this is real, that I’m not kidding myself with this road to nowhere? The proof is in the experience; I’ve seen the changes, even if this is going nowhere, I can see the results and that should be reason enough to keep going. The circumstances didn’t get better, but I did. I know I did, despite all this fear.
I’m afraid I might find out I was betrayed. That I fooled myself into going down this road.
I can’t see it, it’s invisible.
Since when does that stop me?? Is this ego, pretending to be scientific or something? Stalling? Causing a delay?
I look at everything around me and suddenly it’s a problem that Truth isn’t tangible? That I literally can’t put my finger on it? Is it Other People’s Opinions? Or is it My Opinion? Or did I for convenience sake make them one and the same?
Maybe it’s because I’m becoming single-minded about this. Somehow I always had this idea in the back of my mind that something else might come along, even though everything in my life has been leading me here. Everything conspired for me to be able to do this. And now that I seriously am doing this I’m starting to realize there is no back up plan anymore. The dream about other possibilities - because this certainly can’t be real, it was all a lovely fantasy, enlightenment and all that, where do I come up with all that stuff, but now it’s back to real life, jobs, kids, family et cetera, in which I’m of course a total failure – that dream is coming to an end.
Yeah. That’s it.
I’m losing my escape routes. There weren’t any, but I didn’t want to see it. I thought I could always do something else if this didn’t work out, even though this was and is the only real and important thing in my life. I kept fooling myself, ignoring the signs, ignoring the things the Universe kept throwing my way. I did what I had to do, I survived, I learned, kept on learning, but all the while in the back of my head was this reassurance that I could always stop if I wanted, turn left, leave the freeway. The dreaming is coming to an end and THAT’s what’s scaring me. Cos now I can’t be half-assed about it anymore. Now I have to stand up for myself and admit to what I’m doing. This is it.
Thankfully people usually ask what kind of a job you have, they never seem to be interested in what your goal in life is. Typical. “What do you do?” What a mind numbingly dull question, yet that’s what people ALWAYS ask. This would make for an interesting refreshing change: “What is your goal in life?” I might even answer that truthfully, depending on the person asking. In the end I don’t have to fear other people’s opinions, I have to fear my own. If I can accept what I’m doing, others will too. They’re irrelevant. I have to come clean to myself. This is who I am and I can’t keep denying it, trying to find excuses, playing down what I’m doing, cos it’s important, it’s the most important thing I’ll ever do, it’s the last thing I’ll ever do and that deserves some respect. I have to stop running away from what I was meant to do, even though the running was in my head. Isn’t everything in my head?
Why is it so scary to be single minded about dedicating myself to this?
Because I might lose everything.
What is that?
Connections. Love. My sister and her kids.
Well that’s okay, you can be scared about that. As long as it doesn’t stop you.
No. It won’t. It won’t. It doesn’t seem like it because I’m doing the hermit thing, but this is best for everybody involved.
I feel awful. Vulnerable. Scared.