WUF

I took an old laptop up to the bedroom earlier today; when I wake up in the morning (can still call it morning at a little before noon), often my mind's already racing with thoughts on the process even before I open my eyes. It's a rusty old thing (the laptop and my mind), but small and sturdy and just what I need; perfect for writing.
The Process continues however after I stop writing and it's as if I am missing something when I don't write down what I have thought of without a keyboard at hand. But never mind. Important stuff will float, irrelevant stuff will sink.
I've been doing this process since I was eighteen, I just realized, but without having a proper name for it. I asked myself: is this who I am? Who do I want to be? How do I want to be? Then I observed my thoughts, actions and the things I said to others. That's when it became familiar to me, always observing, finding out what I wanted through the process of negation.
I didn't know at the time it would lead me here. And now I'm scared all the time, just like I was then, but hopefully not at the same level anymore. I remember writing then as well, massive amounts, and shredding all of it. If they'd make hamburgers out of me now, I'd be full of hormones, fear hormones, if there is such a thing. Adrenaline, cortisol? Oh so what. Details.
Things are happening in my body again. Guess the body has to adapt, to keep up with the changes. The body has a memory of it's own and therefore must be deprogrammed as well.
Is the ego really that conscious? It can think of distractions? Does it have that much autonomy?
After writing today I started to think of all the things I should do, like clean myself up and get rid of some dust. Then more stuff came to mind and I started to protest, cos no way I'm gonna do all that in one day, secondly, what the hell? Is this part of me my enemy? Really? I never thought of it as Maya, I just figured my mind had some ruts, some well-worn paths like 'you're not good enough' or 'sex is all you have to offer', charming stuff like that. I never saw it as a separate entity. Well, whatever. Gonna keep an even closer eye on it, and that's the end of that.
Anyway. I hate to be told I have to do things. "Cleanliness is next to godliness" and all that crap. Well then let me introduce you to Satan's spawn. Hi!
I'm having trouble discerning the next step.
Parents were wrong, very wrong, I get that. Nothing was my fault or responsibility, get that too. This is my responsibility, so moving on from there. Next. But what comes next?
I'm some lucky gal to be living next-door to another spawn of Satan (maybe we're related). It's like living in a pressure cooker, with clear disadvantages but the advantage of making me alert, ever vigilant. Screaming still scares me, especially unexpected screaming, with that aggressive, dangerous undertone of his. Brings up a lot of old shit. That's probably why I came to live here; the perfect place for this process. At least this explains why I'm so afraid so much of the time since I moved here. It's the process under pressure, not just from me but also outside pressure.
It's not because I deteriorated, that's a relief, sort of.
Although I do feel like a pathetic excuse for a human being sometimes. My big mistake being I look at myself through the eyes of others, mostly my father's, wild guess. Like I'm not allowed to choose to do this with my life. I'm not allowed to cost society money. I've been out of a job most of my life because of physical problems (backproblems) and I'm costing the taxpayers money with my worthless good-for-nothing life. And now I think I'm some guru living some important life, doing some enlightenment ritual, still not making any money, wasting my time and other people's time and money and not supporting my sister, and being a worthless daughter, nothing to brag about. Something like that. I shouldn't be allowed to do all this stuff because I don't make a living.
So. Be vigilant and don't do that anymore, M. If society doesn't want to pay your rent, you'll go live in the woods or something, but keep on doing this. Keep On Doing This. You can't spend so much time on other people's opinions. Use the energy to go on, keep on going. No turning back you know, there's no back-up life for you. Oh my god. There is nothing else. I have succesfully eliminated every other possibility. ThIS IS IT. No refunds. There you go.
No roadsigns, no spiritual advisors, no map or users manual "A Concise Guide From Abuse to Truth-Realization". You're all alone in this and you better get used to it. You're still hoping for a knight in shining non-dual armor, but you can forget about that, since you're going where not many go. No armor allowed. This is it. You better realize it, REALIZE it. Use the time you have. Use it, as much as you possibly can. Can you be brutally honest? Cos you'll have to go places and write about them here, places that aren't pretty, to say the least. Filthy, humiliating places.
Cut through it with a sword. You always dreamed about being a warrior, now's your chance! Be your own knight! Who says women can't wield a sword? Off with their heads!
Observation is my strength, a desire to Know truth, and a willingness to be truthfull, well, increasingly so. I KNOW BEST!! I KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR ME! I KNOW BETTER THAN MY FAMILY, THAN ANYBODY! Well maybe not anybody, Jed would probably read me like a book and I'm still unclear on some things, sometimes. Other than that, I have to respect myself as my own authority on the subject matter. Forget everything else said on the matter.
Let the moment speak for itself. The moment knows best.
I want to keep writing, and writing, and writing. I'll be writing in my sleep. Haha! Oh right, when I stopped writing this afternoon, I put my headphones on and the first thing to come on the radio was this: "Back to life, back to reality." Funny right? Life is a funny mother.
I don't want this to end, I have this feeling that something will make me stop, and I don't want that. Maybe the Mexican flu will get me and I'll die in the next week. I don't think I want that either, that means I have to get born again and start all over again, and god only knows how much time it will take to be at an age where I can start this process again. Stop rambling, sis.
Just a feeling, or maybe a fear translated into a feeling. Whether or not something is going to stop me, I will go on as long as I can, on screen or in my mind, or in a notepad or scribbling stuff on my hand, I don't care. Further. Considering having it tattooed on a finger, or W.U.F. on my wrist. Wake Up First. Sounds like a tiny dog protesting. Wuf!
Never mind all the other things you think you have to do, you made the right choice to give this your full attention, now keep doing that. Once you get 'there'/it, everything else will fall into place, in the sense you don't Have To anymore. Do this first and if you still want to do all the other stuff after, you can do that, after. Wake Up First. Being a good sister doesn't mean sacrificing your life to please your sister. Your life is just as important or irrelevant. It's yours so take care and do with it What You Want to do, not what you think is right, or what you should do, that's all rubbish, instilled in you by your relatives. They are all relative. This is real and you need to focus! Don't lose this opportunity! Don't let it slip away! Pay attention! Keep your focus on the subject. Wake Up First. Further. Let nothing take your mind of this. It's a waste of time, it's a fucking waste of time, nothing is worth it, nothing. Yeah, only Nothing is worth it.

P.S. I have to repeat this: There Is No Back-up Life For Me. This is really it.