Odd
Had my first meeting with a psychologist today. Nice lady. She asked how things were at the moment and I told her about the past weeks and how I’ve been writing my ass off (not in those words). I told her about the biggest insights and changes going on, like the cramped jaws-thing and the trust-thing, and how I’m feeling really good today and yesterday, and how rare that is. So she wouldn’t think this was like when you go to a doctor and the pain is suddenly gone.
She did tell me that based on the information on my background I had provided, they were hesitant to take me on; it was a lot of bad stuff, a whole lot to deal with and they didn’t know whether they would be able to handle it. Fortunately they postponed on making a decision until speaking to me and after the nice lady and I had talked for a while, she decided we could do this after all, because – I don’t remember the exact words she used – I have done most of the work already and I’m not in need of an expert with a shovel. My ego nearly orgasmed, but I kept it in check.
She asked me what my expectations were and I told her I didn’t have any, not to mess with her, but because I don’t have any. This is how things coincided, and now that it’s here I will take advantage of it. I didn’t want to give her a glib talk of how I needed someone for this and that; all that popped into my head was the word ‘soundboard’. Now this might be something completely different in English. I told her I’d like someone to reflect off, someone to reflect me; while talking to someone with the ability to listen, I get clarity on certain subjects. She understood, and it wasn’t a problem.
I had no doubts about the outcome, it felt good, it felt right, I had only needed one minute with her to know we would go forward with this. All the while I observed myself and my responses, since I had promised myself to be as sincere as possible, without necessarily mentioning the waking up part of the process. I might though, I’m starting to be more open about myself and it’s a huge part of me, if not all of me.
Today I caught myself saying to the guys at the volunteer’s work that a certain supermarket didn’t ‘feel right’ to me and others do. Just like that, in a regular superficial conversation. Normally I keep stuff like that to myself because it invites jokes, mockery, but somehow even my mouth is becoming more open and relaxed, haha! And it saves me so much energy to just be authentic.
Another thing (I also told her), I feel so oddly wonderful! I have this excruciating pain in my neck and shoulders, as if the fibromyalgia is making the most of it, now that I’m releasing the tension from my body. But even that pain doesn’t deter me. I keep smiling. Some moments I feel like jumping up and down, I felt like dancing today, giggling, being silly. There’s a lot of energy slowly being released from my belly and chest area, where everything was tied up in one big Supercramp.
Even my belly starts feeling more empty, or maybe I should say devoid of fear-knots. It’s so weird to me. I don’t know that, I’m not familiar with things like relaxation. I’ve been surviving for most of my life. I’m well aware of the two steps forward one step back policy of the process, although the one step back tends to take years and years, this probably won’t last long, but it’s a nice glimpse of the future me. Very pleasant. Very, very pleasant.
Life seemed so much more interesting today. I was, and still am, exhausted, and in a lot of pain, yet the world appealed to me today, it was strange and wonderful and exciting, and I finally get the theme park comparison Jed uses in his books.
But I’m not going to stop here; when this is a daily reality, and come on, that could still take years, this is not my final destination but a road side diner instead. I don’t care how strangely wonderful the world can be when you’re glad and content all the time. I want to wake up. Just so I make myself clear.
She did tell me that based on the information on my background I had provided, they were hesitant to take me on; it was a lot of bad stuff, a whole lot to deal with and they didn’t know whether they would be able to handle it. Fortunately they postponed on making a decision until speaking to me and after the nice lady and I had talked for a while, she decided we could do this after all, because – I don’t remember the exact words she used – I have done most of the work already and I’m not in need of an expert with a shovel. My ego nearly orgasmed, but I kept it in check.
She asked me what my expectations were and I told her I didn’t have any, not to mess with her, but because I don’t have any. This is how things coincided, and now that it’s here I will take advantage of it. I didn’t want to give her a glib talk of how I needed someone for this and that; all that popped into my head was the word ‘soundboard’. Now this might be something completely different in English. I told her I’d like someone to reflect off, someone to reflect me; while talking to someone with the ability to listen, I get clarity on certain subjects. She understood, and it wasn’t a problem.
I had no doubts about the outcome, it felt good, it felt right, I had only needed one minute with her to know we would go forward with this. All the while I observed myself and my responses, since I had promised myself to be as sincere as possible, without necessarily mentioning the waking up part of the process. I might though, I’m starting to be more open about myself and it’s a huge part of me, if not all of me.
Today I caught myself saying to the guys at the volunteer’s work that a certain supermarket didn’t ‘feel right’ to me and others do. Just like that, in a regular superficial conversation. Normally I keep stuff like that to myself because it invites jokes, mockery, but somehow even my mouth is becoming more open and relaxed, haha! And it saves me so much energy to just be authentic.
Another thing (I also told her), I feel so oddly wonderful! I have this excruciating pain in my neck and shoulders, as if the fibromyalgia is making the most of it, now that I’m releasing the tension from my body. But even that pain doesn’t deter me. I keep smiling. Some moments I feel like jumping up and down, I felt like dancing today, giggling, being silly. There’s a lot of energy slowly being released from my belly and chest area, where everything was tied up in one big Supercramp.
Even my belly starts feeling more empty, or maybe I should say devoid of fear-knots. It’s so weird to me. I don’t know that, I’m not familiar with things like relaxation. I’ve been surviving for most of my life. I’m well aware of the two steps forward one step back policy of the process, although the one step back tends to take years and years, this probably won’t last long, but it’s a nice glimpse of the future me. Very pleasant. Very, very pleasant.
Life seemed so much more interesting today. I was, and still am, exhausted, and in a lot of pain, yet the world appealed to me today, it was strange and wonderful and exciting, and I finally get the theme park comparison Jed uses in his books.
But I’m not going to stop here; when this is a daily reality, and come on, that could still take years, this is not my final destination but a road side diner instead. I don’t care how strangely wonderful the world can be when you’re glad and content all the time. I want to wake up. Just so I make myself clear.
posted by M. at 9:52 PM
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