Unconditional
“There’s a natural pacing to things. If you get too scared or too smart and start messing around, you’ll probably just foul yourself up. You’ve released the tiller, don’t panic and try to grab it back. Take it easy on yourself, all is well.”
“You’re off the clock now. The race is over. When the next thing needs doing, you’ll know it. This stuff is governed by a perfect intelligence. No thinking or meddling or second guessing required. Just relax into the process, trust it, don’t struggle against it. That’s what it’s all about.”
My ego protests about this being a contradiction; I should trust the process to lead me to unconditional surrendering, which is another way of saying complete trust. I think. Could be wrong. I should trust the process to lead me to perfect trust. But it’s not as weird as it seems, since I have been this contradictory since the age of eighteen. Distrusting everything and everyone, yet listening to the little voice telling me what steps to take, what decisions to make, even when it lead me to the most horrible circumstances.
How can these things coexist?
I’m probably one of the most fearful people you’ll ever meet, yet at the same time I trust my instincts more than anyone I know. In the way of listening to them and letting decisions and actions depend on them. I mean, some people say they listen to their intuition, but that doesn’t really count if it stops at listening and they go on to do something entirely different.
I am being distrustful right now. So why is that? If it was a natural part of the process I wouldn’t be writing it down, so what is it? I’m so used to betrayal. I’m afraid I will wake up and see things for what they are and discover I’ve been fooling myself by thinking I had a mission in life; waking up, when all it was, was this big elaborate hoax to make fun of me, and people will laugh, and laugh, and laugh. So, really? No, on a deeper level I know that’s not the case. Okay. Go on then. Don’t play games, “trust to trust”, just go on. Unconditional surrender, what does mean to you? Giving up. Giving what up? Struggle, protecting myself, having some control over my life. Is that a bad thing? A part of me believes the universe is an evil place, a menace, out to do harm. Well, we know where that comes from. And is that what your experiences tell you? The experiences you’ve had on this path since you consciously started out? Bad stuff has happened. Was it bad? Yeah! It hurt! It was frightening! It scared me. Was that the universe doing that to you? Was that Life being mean? Well why did it happen to me, so much crap? So much? It could have been less! Could it, really? - I see the dark little ego scurrying around in my belly, like a frightened little animal, trying to hide, but failing, because of the powerful searchlight. - Do you honestly believe that anything that has happened to you shouldn’t have happened to you? Think. It’s not fair. Life’s not fair, nobody said it was. Come on. Apart from it not being fair. Do you think Life made a mistake in letting these things happen to you? Or that it was being intentionally mean to you? [silence] What is your deepest belief about that? Life was out to get me. People were out to get me. Because? I’m in the wrong place. Well, you’re not entirely wrong about that, but you are definitely not the only one who’s in the wrong place, in fact, you’re one of the few people who realize they are and try to do something about it. I didn’t see it like that. [silence] There’s beliefs fighting inside me. No there are not. The only fighting comes from your ego’s desperate struggle to stay and be important to you. But it’s not.. That’s what it is figuring out. So let it. Let it struggle. That’s weird! I thought this was about trust issues. It uses familiar fears to hold your attention. Oh. Silly little bastard. But no, it’s okay, let it squirm, I don’t care, it was just trying to protect me. When I have no use of it anymore it will leave by itself, the poor thing. It knows where the door is. Why am I feeling sorry for my own frightened little ego? Because it’s ‘helpless’ and scared, like you. But that’s not my reality. No, so now it’s all alone. Can I have it for a pet? Hahaha! Sure you can, just don’t confuse it with who you are. Nah, eventually I won’t anymore, you know, keep your enemies closer. Mmh. Just be aware. So what up with the trust baby? Ah man, is okay, will work itself out. You really believe that? I still have some doubts, but once again, they will work themselves out. Part of the process. I think you still want conditions, you still attach strings to the surrender, which makes it something else, not surrender, but the closing of a deal. You gimme that, I’ll give you this. No! Yes. Yeah, okay, fair enough. I don’t know, I can’t be sure whether I’ll be safe when I surrender. That depends on the kind of safety you’re talking about. I don’t want to get hurt anymore. Remember; with every step you were scared of what it would bring you, do you remember that? Yes. And with every glimpse and moment of two steps forward, you thought to yourself; I have to remember this, I have to remember that every step forward is truly a step forward, in that it only makes me feel better. I have to remember this so I can tell it to myself when I’m afraid to go forward. Do you remember? Yes. Yes, I do. If this is what you need to hear right now, then know you will feel better. You will feel better after surrendering, it’s an honest to god guarantee. Yeah? Yeah, if you don’t trust me, or Jed, or anything else, trust your experiences, those glimpses and what you told yourself, specifically so you wouldn’t stop going. Yeah, that’s true, isn’t it. Trust yourself, you came all this way, see how far you’ve come. That’s no illusion, sweetheart, that’s real, and it’s only going to get better if you keep on going. Trust your own experiences. Look, and see. That’s all the proof you need.
Okay, that’s as far as we’ll get today though, so unconditional surrender, right? I’ll mull it over. Yeah you better. Or what? You gonna spank me? Hehe. Go on girl. This is nice, isn’t it? It’s interesting. Yes, it certainly is. Now go on. Okay. Thank you.
Talk about perfect intelligence: last night I was so tired and exhausted I went up to go to bed early and ended up unclogging three drains instead, of the sink in the bathroom, the toilet, and the kitchen. Unclogging drains at midnight, it does seem perfect, doesn’t it? Nice symbolism. Now, the fibromyalgia is munching away at my shoulders like a bunch of piranhas, so this is as far as I go.
“You’re off the clock now. The race is over. When the next thing needs doing, you’ll know it. This stuff is governed by a perfect intelligence. No thinking or meddling or second guessing required. Just relax into the process, trust it, don’t struggle against it. That’s what it’s all about.”
My ego protests about this being a contradiction; I should trust the process to lead me to unconditional surrendering, which is another way of saying complete trust. I think. Could be wrong. I should trust the process to lead me to perfect trust. But it’s not as weird as it seems, since I have been this contradictory since the age of eighteen. Distrusting everything and everyone, yet listening to the little voice telling me what steps to take, what decisions to make, even when it lead me to the most horrible circumstances.
How can these things coexist?
I’m probably one of the most fearful people you’ll ever meet, yet at the same time I trust my instincts more than anyone I know. In the way of listening to them and letting decisions and actions depend on them. I mean, some people say they listen to their intuition, but that doesn’t really count if it stops at listening and they go on to do something entirely different.
I am being distrustful right now. So why is that? If it was a natural part of the process I wouldn’t be writing it down, so what is it? I’m so used to betrayal. I’m afraid I will wake up and see things for what they are and discover I’ve been fooling myself by thinking I had a mission in life; waking up, when all it was, was this big elaborate hoax to make fun of me, and people will laugh, and laugh, and laugh. So, really? No, on a deeper level I know that’s not the case. Okay. Go on then. Don’t play games, “trust to trust”, just go on. Unconditional surrender, what does mean to you? Giving up. Giving what up? Struggle, protecting myself, having some control over my life. Is that a bad thing? A part of me believes the universe is an evil place, a menace, out to do harm. Well, we know where that comes from. And is that what your experiences tell you? The experiences you’ve had on this path since you consciously started out? Bad stuff has happened. Was it bad? Yeah! It hurt! It was frightening! It scared me. Was that the universe doing that to you? Was that Life being mean? Well why did it happen to me, so much crap? So much? It could have been less! Could it, really? - I see the dark little ego scurrying around in my belly, like a frightened little animal, trying to hide, but failing, because of the powerful searchlight. - Do you honestly believe that anything that has happened to you shouldn’t have happened to you? Think. It’s not fair. Life’s not fair, nobody said it was. Come on. Apart from it not being fair. Do you think Life made a mistake in letting these things happen to you? Or that it was being intentionally mean to you? [silence] What is your deepest belief about that? Life was out to get me. People were out to get me. Because? I’m in the wrong place. Well, you’re not entirely wrong about that, but you are definitely not the only one who’s in the wrong place, in fact, you’re one of the few people who realize they are and try to do something about it. I didn’t see it like that. [silence] There’s beliefs fighting inside me. No there are not. The only fighting comes from your ego’s desperate struggle to stay and be important to you. But it’s not.. That’s what it is figuring out. So let it. Let it struggle. That’s weird! I thought this was about trust issues. It uses familiar fears to hold your attention. Oh. Silly little bastard. But no, it’s okay, let it squirm, I don’t care, it was just trying to protect me. When I have no use of it anymore it will leave by itself, the poor thing. It knows where the door is. Why am I feeling sorry for my own frightened little ego? Because it’s ‘helpless’ and scared, like you. But that’s not my reality. No, so now it’s all alone. Can I have it for a pet? Hahaha! Sure you can, just don’t confuse it with who you are. Nah, eventually I won’t anymore, you know, keep your enemies closer. Mmh. Just be aware. So what up with the trust baby? Ah man, is okay, will work itself out. You really believe that? I still have some doubts, but once again, they will work themselves out. Part of the process. I think you still want conditions, you still attach strings to the surrender, which makes it something else, not surrender, but the closing of a deal. You gimme that, I’ll give you this. No! Yes. Yeah, okay, fair enough. I don’t know, I can’t be sure whether I’ll be safe when I surrender. That depends on the kind of safety you’re talking about. I don’t want to get hurt anymore. Remember; with every step you were scared of what it would bring you, do you remember that? Yes. And with every glimpse and moment of two steps forward, you thought to yourself; I have to remember this, I have to remember that every step forward is truly a step forward, in that it only makes me feel better. I have to remember this so I can tell it to myself when I’m afraid to go forward. Do you remember? Yes. Yes, I do. If this is what you need to hear right now, then know you will feel better. You will feel better after surrendering, it’s an honest to god guarantee. Yeah? Yeah, if you don’t trust me, or Jed, or anything else, trust your experiences, those glimpses and what you told yourself, specifically so you wouldn’t stop going. Yeah, that’s true, isn’t it. Trust yourself, you came all this way, see how far you’ve come. That’s no illusion, sweetheart, that’s real, and it’s only going to get better if you keep on going. Trust your own experiences. Look, and see. That’s all the proof you need.
Okay, that’s as far as we’ll get today though, so unconditional surrender, right? I’ll mull it over. Yeah you better. Or what? You gonna spank me? Hehe. Go on girl. This is nice, isn’t it? It’s interesting. Yes, it certainly is. Now go on. Okay. Thank you.
Talk about perfect intelligence: last night I was so tired and exhausted I went up to go to bed early and ended up unclogging three drains instead, of the sink in the bathroom, the toilet, and the kitchen. Unclogging drains at midnight, it does seem perfect, doesn’t it? Nice symbolism. Now, the fibromyalgia is munching away at my shoulders like a bunch of piranhas, so this is as far as I go.
posted by M. at 6:01 PM
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