Two years

Today, 22 December, it's exactly two years ago that I was raped when I was abroad. It feels like much more time has passed, but today I'm thinking about it, not remembering exactly, but having it in the back of my mind. I feel vulnerable, but that's not just the day. It's where I am in the process.
"It's all in the mind." "Life is but a dream." Maybe so, but the feelings are real when you're having a nightmare, and to deny them would be foolish. That only makes sense after you wake up. Til then, you have to make due with what is. This is what is; I was raped. A guy put his hand around my throat and raped me in a field, in broad daylight, not far from a busy road.
I'm working toward my goal, but also pretending everything is fine, just like all the other times bad things happened to me. Well maybe not bad in the grand scheme of things, but certainly scary and painful and embarrassing for the person I was at the time.
I need to write about this stuff, and not tell myself I can't do it because it's 'fighting the demons in the sewer'. As long as I am not awake, this is what I do; dealing with the moment at hand and everything that comes with it. So now I write. Tomorrow it might be irrelevant again, but I can not repress anything. I cannot do that. I'd be denying myself, that's what it feels like right now.
I was raped, I was hurt, I was used, and this time I clearly said no, and I begged and I struggled and then I let it happen when I saw I had no chance of escaping.
The other times in my life when I didn't want to have sex but allowed it to happen anyway, at least I could tell myself it wasn't rape because my no wasn't strong enough and they 'persuaded' me. I was raping myself. I didn't know. What I wanted didn't matter, that's what my parents had taught me, that's what I learned and that's what made me give myself to anyone who wanted me and offered some sort of attention. I prostituted myself for love and attention. I didn't know any better.
Only now, in my thirties, I'm starting to develop a sense of having the right to say no. A clarity of boundaries between what I want and what I don't want, and what the other person wants. They are not one and the same anymore. There is a possibility to say no. What an amazing discovery. It still feels new to me though. I'm still on shaky ground when it comes to boundaries and saying no.
But I am slowly becoming my own person. That is a necessary step, or stop, on the road to where I'm headed. Can't skip any. Keep thinking of that phrase I read somewhere; that you need to have a healthy, ripe ego before it can fall from the tree like ripe fruit. Gotta be a Human Adult before you get to wake up. Aaaarrrghh!!! It's taking so long!! But I'm okay with that, I think, increasingly so anyway. It's okay. I'll get there, I am getting there.
Had my hair cut, well, butchered actually, and had it died a dark chocolaty brown today as well. So instead of long blond hair I now have short brown hair. I wanted some drastic change on the outside to match what's going on inside me. So now I look like a chubby Snowwhite.

This helped, writing all this. Still feel alone though. Alone is good, but it can be lonely. Miss my reader a bit. But boundaries girl, boundaries are too much of an issue. 'Sigh.'
Well, I'm out of here either tomorrow or the day after, depends on the trains (it's a mess here with all the snow), and I probably won't be writing til January. Maybe I can write a little at my mother's house, when she's out or something, but I doubt it. Maybe I'll bring a notepad. Or I'll use my phone again. Anyway, merry christmas and a happy new year***

Phone notes VI

This is hell.

"So tired of this whole business. So much stupidity and short term solution thinking everywhere. Is that a reflection of me? It's so obvious at times I just can't believe people don't see it.
Punishing instead of sitting down together taking an honest look at where it went wrong, then course correcting. What are they doing? It's hopeless. Putting blame everywhere, firing people so they have to start all over again without having learned from their mistakes. Is that what I do? Politics is a joke. Used to be so impressed with people in charge when I was a kid."

"Commercials for hair, nail, lip products, watches, insurances all claiming to be cheapest (someone has to be lying). It's disgusting. Stupid. Moronic. Ridiculous. Dishonest. False. I'm so sick of all this nonsense I'm starting to 'appreciate' the world false in all its muddy ugliness. So sick of it I can't express it in words. It's getting so bad I'm starting to get sick of every single thing in this godawful world inhabited by small minds and blind puppets."

It might be false, it might all be an illusion, but I don't see it yet.
I see lots of falseness, a whole lot of false everywhere, thick, disgusting layers of it, but saying this is all an illusion would be just words, because I don't see that yet. I haven't experienced that yet, so I'm not going to say that; that would be meaningless. I wish I wish I wish I felt it, experienced it like that, Knew it. Then it wouldn't hurt so much. Everything might be false, a 'shimmering mirage', but it sure as hell feels real, sickeningly real, this pain. Like the woman in the Buddhist center where I lived for two months (that was all I needed to know it was not the right place for me). She insisted it was "all in the mind", she kept saying that and it started to annoy me, because she was just saying it, you know? Saying it without having experienced it as far as I could tell. I sat across from her at the kitchen table and I think I might have asked her about dog shit, how about that? Is the stench all in your mind too? Yes, yes it is, she insisted. I couldn't help but wonder if she would still be saying that if I shoved her face first in a nice, fresh dog turd. Don't worry, it's all in your mind, remember? Yeah, really clever, repeating stuff that's in the books or comes from the mouth of your guru. Live it, then I'll listen to what you have to say. But I still have to experience it for myself. So many people's opinions and stories are turning out to be untrue, it's easier to start by stating everything is false and work my way up/down/further from there. I'm feeling sick, literally, of all this falseness, all around me, and hardly anybody notices all that ridiculous stuff. Suffocating. I want out.

Cornered

I'm still messed up so I can't think straight and maybe shouldn't make any decisions yet, but I wonder nonetheless; should I cut off all other contacts starting January 1st, except the volunteer's work? For let's say two months, would that be better for this process?
At the volunteer's work I arranged it so that I'm now only doing what I want to do, what I like to do, and when my back starts hurting I can leave. The work I do now can be done by someone else. They like me there but I don't have to be there if I really can't. And it's up to me to decide when I absolutely can't. So there's freedom there.
I'll see my sister and her family at christmas, maybe, but I'm staying at my mother's place. More space, more quiet, less (obvious) negativity. There's the guilt trips, but I recognize them and can be firm to her. I can read, walk, do my own thing. Probably won't be able to write online, but I'll have my trusty phone. Other than this visit, I can get away with not going to their side of the country for two months; it's my birthday in March.
Sports. I told them I'd be back in January and naturally I'm already consumed with fear and anxiety about 'having to' go. Fuck man. That's apparently the big issue lately, pressure, having to do things, making myself having to do things, I can't let myself forget it's me who forces me to do things. Who makes me think I have to do this, have to do that. I don't have to do anything. I'm just afraid of the hassle. NO. I'm afraid they will condemn me.
Same goes for my friends. Well, for the blue skies friend. He reminds me of my father. Yuck. He makes me feel (I make me feel) like I'm being interrogated and judged and he's focusing on my flaws. And he means well. Double yuck. He's a good guy and I keep postponing seeing him.
Is it that difficult to go see him because of all the postponing, or am I at this point not meant to see him, to spend time doing something I maybe don't want to do? No. Not maybe. I don't want to be with him at this point and that makes me feel bad as well. Makes me feel sick actually. Why such a strong physical reaction? I feel pushed into a corner when I'm with him. I feel obligated to go see him. Oh god.
I can't even bring myself to write him an email. Maybe tomorrow. I feel crap today. "Do not act when feeling like crap." One of the most useful lessons I've learned in my life.
It does seem to come down to things I have to do lately. To have to. To be pushed, forced, pressured into things I don't want. Sounds familiar. But I'm the one forcing myself. Because I can't stand the thought of telling people "no, I don't want that anymore", "why? Because. I don't need to explain myself to you." Oooo, if only.

No pressure, M. Just see it the way it is, recognize it. Observe. You keep pushing yourself into corners, then panicking trying to get out of them.

What if I saw this guy and my best friend and then took a two month break from sports, friends, family? Would that be beneficial? I'll let that simmer for a while. I do like my space.
The question is if all that pressure is not in fact speeding the process along, like my neighbour, Satan's spawn, whose ever agressive behaviour is keeping me on my toes. Tough one. I'm in a pressure cooker and there's a lot to say for that as well. So. I don't know right now. I'll sleep on it. I hope. Rage has diminished, but is still present, burning under the surface like a steady forest fire.
I hope I will be incinerated.

Phone notes V

"Psychologist was the second one to use the word vulnerable to describe me. Fragile, vulnerable. Second one since I opened up to the sympathetic guy at social security, and was upfront about my 'mental state'. Was hard to admit to him that I wasn't going to be in a regular job any time soon - never in fact, but he doesn't have to know that.
I didn't tell him my only goal in life is waking up, which makes me eternally unsuitable for a 'regular job'.
Psychologist asked me straight whether I considered myself able to ever function in a regular job. I gave her a bunch of "I'm great at adapting, wouldn't be as scared as I used to, people seem to like me, blablabla" but what it comes down to is I'm not regular so I'm not going to fit the square hole. To come out and say it though is a whole other thing, especially to people who have financial power over me. Not that I would change any decisions because of it. Did admit to her that I can't work in a team, I need space and a person I can trust, and part time is probably the highest attainable thing for me (regular job wise). I don't mind though, I can live cheap. When I'm left alone, have space, no pressure whatsoever, I flourish.
Starting to realize it's not just a character flaw not liking to be with people cos that's not changing along with me changing. Told her if I had a boatload of cash in my bank account I'd be dubbed eccentric, not weird."

"I had a dream and when I thought about it during my walk, it suddenly came to me what it meant and I laughed out loud. If I can let go of my shit (the dream was very specific, haha!), there's a beautiful, spacious, playful and sunny world waiting for me out there."

"So sick and tired of all this, of all of it, I feel physically sick, nauseous, sick sick sick of this shit. So sick I could cry. Sick of that too."

"In a ROTTEN mood. Was seething with rage earlier today, for no particular reason. So furious I was boiling inside and tears tried to come out but I wouldn't let them in public. Made me feel even more awful and enraged. Was at the volunteer's work breathing fire, pissing battery acid. Right now I'm feeling so bad I'm beyond tears."

Good. Rage is progress for me. Rage means change. Rage also means I won't be able to fall asleep before 3 am yet again. Aw fuck it. Was so done with it today. Sick of 'having to'. Sick, sick, sick.

Pissed off M. Very.

Mightily pissed off. People trying to get things from me, stuff that doesn't work, computer crashing all the time, books not getting delivered, fire crackers exploding, stupid stuff, stupid annoyances. But it's good to feel the fury, the anger, instead of the vulnerability and fear that took over the past few days.
I am discovering things now, seeing things in a new light. Seeing new levels of falseness in myself (and all around me, but that's none of my concern, that's just a side effect). How a personal truth can show itself to be a complete lie in the blink of an eye, just because my vision has broadened a smidgen.
This week I discovered how bad, how all encompassing the effect has been that my 'upbringing' has had on me, and still has. How wrongly I have been treated and still am. What a discovery to find it was not my fault, I was not a defective child. How long it takes to really believe this. How difficult that is with poisonous influences abounding.
You can not imagine how hard it is to see the world in a way that greatly differs from what parents have been telling you all your life until you do this. And try to imagine what it's like when your parents and most grown ups and your peers break your spirit, abuse you, tell you and make you feel you're nothing and not worth the clothes on your back. How I didn't deserve anything and should give anything I had to people who did deserve it. I am broken. I am flawed. I am asocial, not normal (well, he was right there I suppose), I am lazy, I am a bad person through and through.
God. It has been an incredible effort to teach myself differently within the poisonous confines of the world created from all that negative bullshit. That's what you learn, then that's what you get and that's what you see. It's very, very, very hard to start seeing other things, to raise yourself to a different point of view. I so hope I am shaking myself loose from all that now. That's the whole point of this process. All that shit is a very decent motivator to keep me going. Man I'm pissed off.
I'm so fucking angry with them for beating me down psychologically, stomping me into the ground, making me believe I'm the most selfish no good bitch ever to walk the earth. FUCK YOU!! You never should've had kids. You people were NOT suited to have kids. You fucked us up bad. It would be in your best interest not to try that shit again. I am done with your crap. Go fuck up someone else, I don't need that crap, it's been a mighty shitload of unbelievable work to raise myself, to give myself an upbringing and I'm still a retard when it comes to the 'normal' things like housework and wearing nice clothes or make up; I don't, basically. None of that.
Yes, that's also because I don't WANT to spend time on things other than this, but it's also because I just don't know the simplest things, I haven't learned the simplest things. Guess you guys were too busy teaching me how horrible and defective I was, couldn't spare the time. Oh but THAT's understandable! SUUURRE. Defective pieces of shit. Fucking assholes. Go fuck yourself. Eat shit and die, isn't that how 'they' say it? Very eloquently put. Oh, you probably won't like me talking like this, now will you. Well, playtime is over my dears. Now it's my turn.
This is my life and you get the fuck out of it. Spout your poison somewhere else. Talk to the hand or talk to the boot. Fuck off. You didn't deserve me. All you see are the 'flaws', the downsides to the qualities. Those things could have made me stand out in a good way, in a special way, but you turned it around and focused all your energy on magnifying my shortcomings. Cos that's what I was - and am - to you, wasn't I? Shortcomings, a disappointment. Well guess what, that's what you are now. Now I see that you were and are wrong. So, so wrong. FUCK you for projecting your own fucking shit on me, fuck you for not trying to see things differently, fuck you for insisting on that piece of shit negative image you have of me because it's SAFER for you, you fucking coward. Screw you. People thinking you're so wonderful, ha! What a show you put on. You fucking arrogant bastard. Does it make you feel good about yourself that you made me feel so bad about myself? Does that make you feel superior? Like when you 'helped' me with my mathematics homework and made it all more complicated than it really was, just to show me how much you knew, how fucking clever you were? You think I didn't know? I don't want to hear you talk anymore. You chose to see me in a certain light because somehow that makes things easier for you, well, fucking fantastic. You destroyed me. My life has been SHIT, a living hell. Hell can not be worse than what I've been through, unless you plan on going there. YOU. ARE. WRONG. YOU HAVE BEEN WRONG. VERY VERY WRONG. You bastard. Heartless piece of shit. "Oh he's so good with kids!" Yeah, with other people's kids he's great, sure is. He loves his friends' kids, he was and still is always compairing us to them. How great they are, what they have accomplished. Maybe I would have accomplished something as well if I had had some confidence in myself you dick. You fucking prick. "You have such low self esteem." How THE HELL did you make yourself sound surprised when you said that? Ignorant. Ignorant. Blind. Arrogant prick. Superior piece of shit. You don't deserve me for a daughter. I deserve better. Look at me; I'm in secondhand clothes, just like I was when I was a kid. My house is filthy. I live alone because I don't have boundaries and let people walk all over me, since what I want doesn't matter, has never mattered. I've had some pretty violent and abusive relationships and I've been raped, nearly strangled. You probably don't see how that relates to you and your influence on my life.
Thank God I do see it. I see it now. Maybe not in it's entirety yet, but I'm getting closer. Things are getting clearer. I've had to be a parent to myself and I'm getting better at it. I'm growing up, where you didn't. I raised me. Am still. I'm doing a better job than you.
I am very sensitive. All you saw was bad stuff, stuff you deemed bad because you didn't want to deal with it. Other parents gave their kids space and understanding, you pushed me into a corner and pointed your finger at my flaws, at the things I couldn't do. What about what I could do? You are dumb and ignorant and I don't even want to explain myself to you anymore.
I am a very sensitive person and I have been able to use that fact to adopt to the worst, to escape from danger, to understand people, to be there for them, to make beautiful things, to have creative ideas, to dream of a better world, to come up with solutions for just about anything, to feel moods, to feel bad intentions, to follow my intuition, to be on this path.
I am glad that I am the way I am. I am grateful for the way I am, I am grateful that I had the courage to make a bold choice; to follow my heart, to listen to the voice of my intuition, to live my life that way. And I did that despite your warped opinions of me. Because I'm strong. You will never know how strong I am because you don't want to see me, you don't want to open your eyes. You prefer the darkness, because it's more comfortable, comforting, safe, small, limited. You don't have to grow and expand. Stay in your little world. I will grow. I am growing.Your views are too limited for me. I am brave. You have no idea what I've been through. I've seen and experienced some of the worst things imaginable. Thanks to your negative motivation.
So I thank you, because thanks to all that bad shit I started this path I'm on. I had all the motivation I needed to get the hell out of this place, to wake the hell up. Thank you. That might be the best thing you have done for me, giving me the motivation to search for a way out and give it my all. Nothing scares me anymore. I might be fearful often, but when it comes down to it, there is not much that can be done to me that really frightens me. Nothing can stop me. Not you, not anybody. Not me. I'm not scared of the abyss anymore. What could possibly be worse than this?

Today

When you’re doing it, you’re doing it. Whatever you’re doing. A couple of times I was doing it while playing mine sweep for over an hour. Like today. There was a big thing, big emotional issue, and I was prepping myself to write a big chunk, doing some difficult work, but as I was playing the computer game I noticed how I started to feel calm and things were sorting themselves out without my interfering. Sometimes I need to write, sometimes it’s more efficient not to write and to let it play out by itself.
Now I’m having a ‘bad’ night, a step back, but unlike so many times before I realize it’s part of the process, not actually a step back but a step forward in processing progress. It’s a necessary part of the process, if any progress is to take place, and I knew this, always have, but I didn’t Know it, didn’t and couldn’t realize it during the ‘bad’ times, during the downward curves. Every time I felt bad, nervous, anxious, scared and downright horrible, I just thought it would never end. When I felt good, I couldn’t believe I’d ever feel so bad again. Of course I learned after several hundreds of times. I can accept this as a part of the process. Things change.
Things are changing in my life; the way I deal with people, the way I am around my family (that part changes the slowest), the music I like, my body. Sometimes all I need to do to relax is to stretch a little, like a cat. Sometimes my body feels light and relaxed and balanced. Unheard of.
In bad times, like now, I eat and stuff myself and feel awful, but I’m not going to ‘work’ on that. I think that would be fighting symptoms, not the cause of those symptoms, so I go with the flow, even if that means I stuff myself. I don’t like it and it doesn’t feel good, but making myself, forcing myself into doing whatever usually backfires. So fingers crossed. Staying in today. Tomorrow is a whole new ballgame. I deal with today. It does impede my mind’s clarity, no fresh air, lots of sugar, but so does the place I’m in now.
I don’t have anything else to say right now. Maybe later.

Lessons

Actually, I think I will post my comment as a post of it's own, so there's no misunderstandings about what I'm doing here.

"Hi.

Get the 'follow the urge' thing. I follow my intuition, probably the same thing, but one can never be a 100% sure.

Since you feel the need to write such extensive comments, how about writing them down on a blog of your own?
You're welcome to post comments here, but I can't promise I will comment on all of your comments, because that's not what I'm doing here. I'm working here.

It's hard work, because it requires complete honesty and trust in my way and process. Which means I do not wish to consider anyone's thoughts on my practise but my own.
Also I have no desire to discuss spiritual topics, I have only one desire and that is to kill anything remotely resémbling desire, dishonesty, a false personality structure and any need to hang onto something or someone out of fear for the Big Nothing.
This is a process that is best done alone and discussions would mean spending time and energy on something other than waking up. I'm not doing that and won't.
I'm dead serious about this business.

Yes the book seems 'in the works' but when it comes is it's business and the universe's business and I don't really care. Stuff will happen at it's appointed time.

So. I don't mean to insult you in any way, but this is how it is.
Again; feel free to comment, but I won't be commenting back unless I'm prompted or when you start your own Autolysis blog and ASK for comments.

M."

I once corresponded with a 'buddhist' guy, who felt the urge to convince me of his ideas, his way of doing things, and he needed about ninety pages of hastily scribbled handwriting. It was exhausting and if I hadn't understood what he was trying to do it could've been quite insulting as well. In short; I was doing things wrong and he would set me straight. As far as I know he's still doing prostrations and endless meditation sessions, trying to intellectually conquer enlightenment. Makes me tired just thinking about it.
It's a part of my process to recognize these needs in myself but also in others and to be firm about it. That's a hard lesson for me; to say NO. Especially when people mean well.
It's all very kind and condescending at the same time. You know best for yourself. I know best for myself.
Thank you for mirroring this lesson back to me, I probably needed it and wasn't aware of it. I'm in awe of the universe's workings yet again. It can be a friendly pitbull at times.

I heart 'coincidence'

Sometimes the universe is overdoing it, with in-your-face-coincidence just too weird to be believable. But that still happens to me at times (used to happen a lot more, when I needed it more), and it happened again tonight. I went for a walk when it was raining and the light left the sky. It's good to walk the tension out of my body, listening to music on my little radio.
On the way back it stopped raining, and sometimes I could see the stars through the clouds. The wind was chasing the clouds, I was listening to a funny song from my year of birth, and right when the lady sang in French "I love you", I looked up at the sky to see some overhead passing clouds take on the outlines of a heart, through it the stars shining bright.
Jaw dropped. I stood there, gaping, having trouble believing what I had just seen with my own eyes. And I remembered what Jed said about the universe being a big, playful puppy.
He is probably right. I was stunned. A heartshaped window to the stars... amazing. Beautiful (and just the slightest bit corny, hahaha). The puppy loves me!

Phone notes IV

"I'm learning so much. Not learning as in information or knowledge but as in seeing. I'm seeing so many things that were hidden before. Understanding happens without effort."

"One of the most influential realizations for me was and still is the incontestable fact that this is my life and any and all decisions concerning this life are mine to make and no one else's. I'm still getting used to the freedom this realization brings, even though there is no such thing as free will."

Mysterious (and funny!) ways

How funny is it that I've been writing columns for a radio show for the past three years; an early morning broadcast called "Waking Up"?

Phone notes III

“At moments, I don’t know how to feel. I’m used to drawing from the supposed-to-well, feeling what I thought was the appropriate emotion for the occasion. Now, at times, there’s nothing there, the supposed-to-well is dry. Or maybe it’s still full but I’m not using it anymore. At times. It’s very hard not to instinctively hold onto something tangible but I can catch myself before the act of reaching out happens, the latching onto something false and its consoling solidity. Sometimes.”

“I can’t stand here, there are no walls, there is nothing underneath my feet and there’s nobody here. It’s scary.”

“Songs. Sad songs on the radio. Noticing my automatic reflex to allow myself get sucked in by emotions. Noticing stops it before it happens. Nips it in the bud. Then; sentimental song playing and… nothing. No emotions.”

Nothing there. I experimented. Listened to songs loaded with meaning, sad melodies, observed the automatic wave of emotions getting triggered and stepped back to see what would happen if I didn’t go with that flow. Nothing happened, no flow of emotions, no flow into another place – anger or annoyance or whatever – there was just nothing.
There was no effort involved, it was just an experiment and I didn’t have to try hard or anything. I was blank. I was a blank canvas. Nothing happened and sometimes I felt it was my loss because it can be so good to go with that flow of emotions and wallow in sad songs. It was quite boring to experience nothing instead.
But I am interested to see where that’s going, where that will take me. It’s a different flow, but there must be another flow nonetheless, right? Just not the automatic one. Although the observing has become second nature as well, another automatism. Deja vue, it feels like I wrote this bit before. Oh well.
I had a question but now I can’t remember what it was. It will come back to me if it’s important. Going for a walk before it gets too dark. Write later.

[walk]

"Maybe I can get more use out of the rape than I thought. I mean, even - or maybe especially - during the struggle and the rape I consisted of two separate (id)entities. One was literally scared to death, the other observed the whole thing with great clarity, thought of ways to survive, to get out of it, in an almost clinical fashion. If I can observe in a situation like that...
Then what? Forgot my reasoning. But maybe I should think of the rape more often. It was a present I left partially unwrapped. After all, as I told my sister when she picked me up from the airport not a week after it happened; it was an experience that shot the cork out of the bottleneck of my spiritual development, which felt pretty stagnant at the time. Not now, no sir. Maybe I can use it for death practise."

Fog

Back from my stay with Sis and her family. Sugar daze. Brain fogged up. Got totally sucked into the sewer. Can't think a coherent thought until I've flushed the sugar out of my system. Want to get back to work. Walked for a while, am drinking a lot of tea, now just waiting for clarity to return.
In the midst of the muck, I was so done with all this shit. The world is so small when viewed from a mucked up perspective. It's pathetic, tiny, and painted in dreadful colours. So small. Too small for me, I want more. I need space, inside and out. I know this world well enough by now, to know I don't want it the way it's experienced by me. This cannot be it. Trust is still the next step, and little by little, I'm getting there. It's a slow process, but trying to speed it up is the same as expressing doubt and distrust. I'm letting the process work through me.
I was so deep in the sewer, the fog was so dense... I got fed up. When I realized how deep in I was, I was fed up with it. Done with it. No more. Moving on to something else. Will write more when my clarity has returned.